BPDFamily.com

My pwBPD was diagnosed during the first of three inpatient mental hospital stays this summer for self harm/suicidal ideation. She is currently in a PHP program for the second time this summer. We have 2 children under 5 and I've been trying to keep everything afloat between work, (sole breadwinner here, wife is SAHM) childcare, appointments and taking care of the house, as well as being her primary person to vent on/at/to. In addition, for most of the summer i have had her meds and all our sharp objects from the house locked up per advice from the mental health care team.

I think I've finally hit my breaking point. I know something has to change but I am not sure what it is. I just know I am burning out and I don’t know if I can ride this suicidality roller coaster again.
I have seen her make some small progress this summer, but not the big breakthrough I had been hoping for the past couple years. As I research BPD, I've realized that is not going to happen, at least, not in the way I pictured.

Her BPD is more of the "Quiet" variety, coupled with professionally diagnosed anxiety and major depressive disorder, and she self diagnoses with ADHD, OCD, and/or autism depending on the day. There's a steady stream of depression, despair, and hopelessness, resulting in her leaning on me for near constant reassurance and motivation, and asking me what choice she should make in every situation. (When she goes grocery shopping on her own, I can reasonably expect 3-5 phone calls asking what she should choose. And yes, that is even with a list written out beforehand)

All of this is drowning me. And it seems impossible to be honest with her about this fact without triggering another wave of despair/suicidality. Our kids are young but I'm sure all this is affecting them too with their mom being gone for weeks at a time, and when she is at home, loudly yelling and pulling out her hair while melting down. And when we look at the future, she says things like "well, it might be that you just have to take leave from work every year to take care of everything if i get bad again." Which feels like she doesn't understand that "l need emergency leave from work because my spouse needs inpatient mental health treatment for suicidality" isn’t supposed to be a routine part of life.

At the start of the summer my question would have been, how can I make this marriage work, and what can i take on to allow my wife space to heal? Now my question is, how do i keep myself sane in all of this? What kind of boundaries and accountability do we need to make it a relationship that i can survive? And honestly, how much more can i take?

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I was there for many years both with my BPD daughter and BPD ex-wife.  The stress is unbearable and I wish that I knew then what I know now.  Hopefully I can share some practical advice that actually makes a difference.

What your wife is going through is genuine, it's real.  In her mind, she sees that she's failing her family and failing her husband.  She also sees what you're doing to pick up the slack.  And in her mind, that is devastating because she can't get out of that mindset of being a burden.  She's waiting for you to leave her because hey, why wouldn't you?  She's a failure.

Catch this though because it's so critically important.

All those feelings I just described, they come from her view of you and the fear of abandonment, of hopelessness.  She's acting like the marriage is already over, even though you're still there, and she's grieving what she lost (before she's actually lost it). 

That's the crux of BPD and mental illness, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  For instance, a guy has recurring dreams of being eaten by a lion.  They're so real that he finally goes out and buys the best hunting gear money can buy to defend himself.  The dreams persist, so finally he decides he must enter the jungle and face the lion head-on. 

What happens?  The lion eats him...it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If he would have done nothing, he never would have crossed paths with a lion to begin with.

That's where your wife is at and because she's mentally ill, she can't get past the premonitions in her mind.  Left on her own, she's stuck in that feedback loop of replaying things over and over again, which leads to incorrect assumptions and a warped sense of reality.  So you come home from work, you're burnt out and tired, and she seeks validation for what she's feeling.  Maybe you listen patiently, maybe you don't, but your body language says everything she needs to know.

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what can you do different?  For starters, accept that she's mentally ill and going through an impossible battle within her own mind.  She deserves love and compassion for that, and how you react is literally the only thing that can help her break out of this cycle.  It requires learning to communicate in a different way, and it takes a considerable amount of patience.

And I hear you, you're out of patience.  I completely get it.  But you posted in the "bettering" forum, so the advice you'll receive here is how to turn things around.

That feels like a good start- please take a look at the "tips" and "tools" tabs at the top of this page.  A lot of it is counter-intuitive and is hard to learn, so don't get frustrated.  Take your time and do your best to actually absorb it.  Also, please feel free to ask questions or vent anytime, that's what we're all here for.

While there's a lot of focus on the pwBPD, your well being is important too. One aspect of being in a family with a pwBPD is that it could be isolating. Avoiding shame for the pwBPD and secrecy makes it hard to reach out for help. Reach out anyway.

It's good that your wife is in treatment and that she accepts the help. It's not possible to change that she has BPD. On your part, consider how to lighten your load a bit. In my own family (BPD mother) one aspect was that there was household help. This was an expense but I understand now that my father also was in your situation- holding the family afloat. If you can do anything to lighten the tasks of child care (a sitter at times) meals (there are meals to go businesses) laundry (send it out) it can help.

I would recommend counseling for yourself too- so you have a safe person to speak to about your situation.

Family- I wouldn't share too much with family as to avoid triangulation but my bet is that they are already aware that your situation is challenging. If the kids can spend time with relatives, grandparents, even for a few hours at times, that can help.

Self care is hard to do but it's imporant. Do what you can to take care of your mental health (counseling) physical health (eat right, get some exercise- put the kids in double stroller and go for a walk).