BPDFamily.com

Hi, I’m new to this whole board and to bdp. I was married for almost 20 years with four beautiful kids and a loving wife that we’ve been through so much stuff.
And then last Christmas, I found out that I had an estranged daughter of 21 years who was diagnosed with BDP in her teens 
After almost 6 months of still getting accustomed to the whole situation and researching about BDP, we’re finally getting ready to start making contact with my estranged daughter and wondered if anybody has any tips on setting emotional boundaries or boundaries that would help

Hello and welcome to the family!  I have a similar life story- in my 40's, I found out I had a half-brother!  He wasn't mentally ill, but just that journey alone of discovering something like that is certainly life changing.  So I can relate.

For starting a relationship with your daughter, there's no real "red flags" going into that relationship.  She's probably wondered where you've been her whole life, but maybe now she's excited to learn about you and build a relationship.  Things could possibly move fast at first and she might be the most loving kid in the world.  Just temper expectations and try to keep at a steady pace.

What to watch out for- she may idolize you at first (common with BPDs) and at your first mistake, she could react harshly.  You may see highs and lows in her personality and it's so important that you set the proper tone- you love her, you're there for her, you want to know her. 

But at the same time, you also have to set expectations- dad can't buy you a car, or co-sign on a lease for an apartment, or pay for college.  Not yet anyway, you absolutely positively can't lead with money.  Small gifts are fine, hopefully you get where I'm going with this.  The biggest problem BPD parents face is entitlement, like we owe our kids everything for bringing them into this world.  You'll eventually face that (maybe soon) and have to be prepared for a level-headed answer.

You love her, you're there for her, but you have to take baby steps since this is quite the shock.

Question- how is your relationship with mom?  That will come into play many times and if there's no relationship there currently, you need to at least break the ice.  You don't have to be besties, but eventually you will be parents together...at least that's the goal.  Mom is probably frustrated as can be and could use some outside help; I'd guess she'd probably talk to you if it's approached the right way.

This is a lot- please keep us updated and ask questions as you go.

Hi there,

Contacting an estranged relative might feel both exciting and scary.  With BPD in the mix, I'd recommend being cautious and taking things slowly.  In my experience, thinking in terms of baby steps can be helpful, as is keeping expectations low.  People with BPD generally feel a lot of stress in their life, and can easily be overwhelmed by emotions and circumstances, which could lead to outbursts and impulsive, destructive or self-sabotaging behavior.  Their reaction might go the other way:  flight, or suddenly cutting you out, for seemingly no good reason.  So my advice is, try to keep things low key.  If there are visits, I'd say, keep them short, and without too many people.  If there are gifts, keep them modest.  If there are communications, I'd say, try to tone down the emotional content. 

While it's true that BPD is on a spectrum, my gut reaction in your case is that there's a chance that your daughter lies on the more severe side, as she was diagnosed so young.  Her dysfunctional behaviors might have landed her in a hospital, where psychiatrists were able to make a diagnosis.  I could be wrong about this, of course.

I guess that my other advice would be to expect a victim attitude, which is a recurring feature of BPD.  Your daughter might tell you stories of ongoing traumas, bullying and abuse.  While it's true she probably feels traumatized all the time, her telling of the story is likely warped.  So take most things she says with a grain (or shaker) of salt.  I'd advise, listen for the emotions, but silently question the facts.  And I'd also say, resist "rescuing" her, because you just can't.  If you try to "save" her, you might end up rewarding her for dysfunctional behavior--in her world, her priorities and incentives turn upside down, and this isn't good for her or the people around her.  I'd say, if she asks you to co-sign a loan or a lease, that is a huge red flag.  Please don't do that.  If you find you are compelled to support her, ensure that (i) you can afford it, (ii) she's treating you respectfully, and (iii) you are not enabling or rewarding dysfunctional or self-destructive behavior.  All this is tough to do in practice.  So I'd advise, if you do decide to provide support, do so in baby steps.  Maybe you offer to help pay for an online course, but not tuition, room and board until she demonstrates she can handle a year of online courses.  Maybe you match a percentage of income she earns, rather than giving her cash outright.  Maybe you offer to pay for therapy, provided that she goes.  Maybe your support is purely of the emotional kind, but you hang up if she's yelling or treating you badly.  If she reacts badly to the "strings" your support entails, that's also a red flag.  She'll probably demand help with no conditions attached--because BPD typically comes with high entitlement, the notion that you OWE her for bringing her into this world.  I'd say you ought to say No to her in that case.

All my best to you.