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I blew up at my H last night. .  I was so mad!  I was shaking.  I yelled at the top of my lungs, cursed him, and got a lot of anger out. 

It all started at dinner, when he began to “tease me” about a political figure I like.  It’s usually a gateway to a long, circular argument where I become a punching bag, and he gets meaner and meaner, so I got up from the table. When he saw that I was uncomfortable, the “teasing” escalated. 

I BECAME FURIOUS.  All of my suppressed anger came out.

I told him,

“Stop it! I’m NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE.  YOU TRIED TO BREAK ME, but it DIDN’T WORK. I’M STILL STANDING.”

I was beyond angry.   I told him he’s verbally abusive.  When he tried to deny it, and he put it back on me, making me the bad guy, I yelled at the top of my lungs,

“STOP! SHUT UP! You will NOT put this back on ME!”

“NO MORE GASLIGHTING!”

He shut up. 

Maybe I went too far when I said even his kids hate him, but I went there.  I told him he has destroyed our marriage, just like he destroyed other relationships with his family, and HE is the cause  of my deep-seated anger and pain. 

I told him I’m entitled to my anger.  He wanted  to make it like I was doing something wrong, because I was having my feelings.  For ONE NIGHT, I finally fight back for like 45 minutes , and he tells me I’m  not entitled to my anger.     He threatened to leave, because of the “terrible” way I was behaving. I didn’t care.

I said,

“YOU DID THIS! You’re the reason why I’m so angry! I’ve suppressed my feelings long enough. I can’t do it anymore.”

And I can’t.

I think since he has been peaceful at home for about  40 days now, I’ve had time to think about how cruel he’s been, and it all came pouring out. 

As I screamed at him, he made jokes. He played with his iPad. He was  accountable for none of it. .  He claimed he didn’t know what I was talking about.  There was nothing he could say to make me feel any lower than he’s made me feel in the past few years. The whole time I argued, he to invalidate my feelings.  Again, I told him the gaslighting wouldn’t work, and I was DONE with being a victim.

I am still angry beyond belief.  I mentioned how he’d been calm for the past 40 days or so, and it’s the reason why I’ve had time to think, instead of just being in survival mode.  He told me I was crazy, and that he hasn’t been different these past 40 days. 

I eventually shut up, and we both went to sleep.

I don’t know what today will bring.

I  don’t care what happens, as long as there is no violence.  I told him I’d get our co-op’s security team involved if he tried to put  his hands on me.   That made him angry.  I should’ve done it in the past, but I didn’t want to feel embarrassed.  Now, I would have no problem doing it. It’s self-care.

I’m DONE being abused by him. DONE. I just want to be able to fully be myself, in my own home. I am sick and tired of living with the enemy.  I almost told him to get out.
 

I cannot live in fear of him anymore. 

I don’t care about money, or the lack thereof.  I need peace.  I need freedom.  He’s had too much control over me. 

I need to get some legal advice.  I was going to wait until October, but now I will try to get an appointment with a lawyer  no later than next week. 

Thank God I have therapy today.

This is a lot.  I didn’t realize how much anger and pain I have inside. 

You are only human and I have done this myself at times (yelled at BPD mother). The unfortunate thing is that- while it feels good in the moment, I would feel terrible about it later, and the response- from her- was not worth it.

How we feel bad about ourselves later is that- they may have instigated this but we are the one to lose control while they stay calm. Then, we are the ones who look like we are crazy.

And they see that they still have the power to get us to react. I sometimes felt my BPD mother has this "gotcha" sense of satisfaction that she could elicit an emotional reaction from me. Both positive and negative reactions are still positive reinforcement.

On your part, you felt what you felt and it's a lot of pain and anger. Your therapy session will help with this.

What your H did was "invite you to the crazy party". Keep in mind- if you get an invitation to the crazy party- you don't have to attend!  :). We are all a work in progress so one option is if he does this again- leave the room, take a walk. It's understandable that you yelled.

NotWendy,

Thank you for validating my feelings.  I simply could not hold back.  The dam broke.  I also felt safer, because he’s been acting “normal” lately. The irony is, because he’s been “normal” and I’ve had time to reflect on what a monster he’s been, all of my anger came out.

Thankfully,  I do NOT feel guilty. I feel empowered.  And I don’t think there is anything he can say to bring me down.  I hit rock bottom. I can only go UP.

Don’t know how this will work out.  I’m taking it moment by moment. 

Thanks again.

Jazz

What I experienced, is that the good times are fleeting with them. They can be 'normal', whatever that mans. And then they get uncomfortable in the peace, since they are so used to chaos. So they'll bait you, they'll be avoidant, anything to get you to react. And we do, and it's unfortunate. And we say these horrible things, while possibly grounded in truth, are not delivered kindly and may not even be in line with the situation at hand.

Then we JADE. Which obviously never works. The full blame is put on you. Just stay calm. I know that's hard.

Thanks, ME88.

You’re right — The good times are fleeting.

But I have no regrets about blowing up.  No guilt.  I need to express my anger. Pushing it down, using tactics to deal with him because he lives in Crazy Town — None of it was working.

He deserves everything I said. It’s a drop in the bucket compared to what he’s done to me. He needs to know he’s made my life a living hell.

I think one day I will have to courage to tell him to get out. But first, I need legal advice.

Thanks so much.

Jazz

It's good you don't have regrets I suppose. I know for myself I'd feel awful, maybe not with the content of what I said, but that I let my usual logical, kind demeaner escape me. I became the monster I was mad at.

Why not start looking into the legal advice...today? Doesn't mean you have to make a decision yet, but it will guide you in case you make the choice to leave.

Jazzsinger  I saw myself and my stbx-BPD in your post.  I had those days as well, when I just let it all out.  I did not realize how much I had suppressed.  When I let it out, I was told something was wrong with me, counseling is not helping me, I like chaos, I've heard it all. I did not care what he thought, I had a voice and I used it...it wasn't necessarily so much for him, but for me. I also told him at one point that I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I was physically abused about 30 years ago, verbal and emotional abuse when he gets angry.   I found myself slamming doors, nagging (that's what he called it), trying to get him to hear me. I have contracted an attorney and will be moving forward.  Scary and messy, but I have no doubt it will be very rewarding.   

An interesting thing about police... They will claim that they won't take sides in a domestic dispute, that the long term resolution is with court, but - perhaps supported by VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) - they will typically default to requiring the man to leave when all there is is hearsay (he said, she said).  This resolves the immediate dispute, with the expectation the couple ought to work it out later.

In my case, 20 years ago next month, the officers listened to my then-spouse, listened to me and then asked me to hand my quietly sobbing preschooler to his mother and "step away".  When I later got a divorce lawyer, he had never heard of a man not being carted off.  I explained that when I had attempted to comply, my son shrieked and clung even tighter in my arms.  What kid won't go to a normal mother?  The officer had pondered for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.