BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

A question here. We have been married for 20 years.  We started dating when we were 28. The major symptoms of this affliction only showed up in a very big way over the last 7 years.  Now that I can clearly identify them, I see the breadcrumbs of symptomatic behavior going back to our courtship.   But today, now faced with the realization that I may have to get divorced and move on, I am asking if anyone else has had the experience of these symptoms massively increasing well into the relationship?  There have been other contributing factors at this age for my SO, midlife, children leaving home, menopause, life stresses, etc, but I am curious.

Thank you for everything. This site and these message boards have been unbelievably helpful.     

I was married for over 18 years, including the two year separated and divorcing.

• When I married, I thought I was saving her from a sometimes hostile home environment.
• Life started out as a honeymoon but periodically she'd  revert to bouts of silent tears.
• After an incident with neighbors made her feel unsafe, we moved but then her silent bouts morphed into bouts of strong cursing.  I asked once, where did you learn that, after all, your problem stepfather never talks in English?
• Then she started an incident with her coworker, one of her best friends.
• Then we moved again, this time to another state.  She would cause drama with her new coworkers she described as sluts and tramps.
• Things didn't get better after a decade of marriage so I had the not-so-brilliant idea that if we had a child then she could be happier watching her child discover the joys of life.
• Our life got worse, she drew away from me emotionally.  I thought she couldn't love both me and our baby so chose our child over me.  Years later I looked back and realized it was more likely that she stopped perceiving me as her long-time, patient spouse and instead as a father, which reminded her of her abusive stepfather.
• It got worse.  First she rejected our mutual friends, then my family, including my aged parents.  Then, when our preschooler approached her age when her stepfather joined her family, I too was rejected.

Yes, my experience was gradual too.  Though this is just an abbreviated list, notice that with every perceived trauma or trigger, that my spouse didn't recover and revert back to the prior level.  Each incident raised her to a higher level of dysfunctional thinking and perceptions.  It got higher and higher until the relationship couldn't survive no matter what I did and imploded.

Exactly my experience. Once that first outburst happens, the floodgates open for good. The more she knew I wanted her and was prepared to keep chasing after her, the worse she got. It seemed like every outburst was never fully extinguished and just simmered away for the next - and more frequent - one.

Eventually of course her outbursts became so out of control and abusive that I ended it for good. I had four years of it and at the rate her rages were increasing, I can only imagine what 30 or 40 years would have been like, especially when you add in things like tne menopause, which can make demons out of even perfectly ordinary people.

I bumped into her sister in law a few years ago and she said she was just as bad and had now cut off from her family, so it did get worse.

I dated my BPD ex-wife for 3 years and we were married 24 years.  And I did the exact same thing as you- I questioned how she was suddenly so detached, mean, and completely different.  Like you, I also thought maybe this was related to menopause or hormone changes in her mid-40's.  It felt like a switch had been flipped.  She left me suddenly and never looked back.

Over time, I began looking backwards...the circular arguments we'd always have about the same things.  The accusations of twisting things I said into something completely different.  The grudges carried across decades, how arguments from 20+ years ago were still fresh in her mind.  I looked at all of it.

Then I remembered the guy my wife dated before me in her teens.  According to her, he was horrible, abusive, etc.  Yet she threatened to disown her parents for trying to ruin her relationship with the guy and the family went through hell. 

Oh my gosh...it had always been there, for her entire adult life.  The only difference between now and then is how she felt about me.  For the first 3+ years, I was on a pedestal.  Then we had ups and downs for awhile, and at one point I decided that i just wouldn't argue anymore...which is a great move with BPDs.  I did it by accident though, I just lost all fight and didn't want that anymore.  And that's probably the only thing that kept us married for so long.

Today, my ex is remarried and our kids tell me that she's "completely fine, completely normal."  Yet they also tell me that she's always stressed out with sky-high anxiety.  I hope she finds peace someday but I also know better.