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My Bpd partner of 35 years behaviour has deteriorated in the last few years resulting in court appearances for aggressive behaviour and now he is texting someone privately. When confronted, he becomes verbally abusive and blames me for everything.  I would like for our relationship to continue as we have been through a lot together but mentally, I don't know if I am able.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and I experienced it myself; my marriage just sort of blew up after 24 years.  Long story short, my BPD wife had her eyes on someone else as well and left a few weeks later.

Tell us a little more about your situation.  Is your husband in therapy?  Have you tried family counseling through a professional or a church?  What generally leads to the aggressive behavior?

Hello and thank you for the warm welcome.  Sorry to hear that you have also experienced what I'm currently going through. My husband had five sessions with a psychiatrist and came to the conclusion that all of his issues were my fault.  He is currently on medication. His anger outbursts are rooted in any confrontation or challenges to his behaviour and ends up with me apologising for daring to bring these issues up. He is also estranged from his family, their fault!! I am struggling with living with him right now but still want our family to remain together.  Where do I go from here??

With mental illness, it's easier to blame others around us than it is to realize the problem is internal.  And on some levels, your husband does see it, but he's immature when it comes to conflict resolution and chooses the selfish route.

You mentioned his outbursts stem from confrontation, which makes sense.  We have to find a way to validate their FEELINGS without being confrontational, and that takes quite a bit to master.  Just know that his feelings are real...if someone is mad, it makes no sense to tell them that they shouldn't be mad.  They're actually mad and by standing up to them in that moment, it never leads to anything good.  Our only real task at that moment is to help them calm down.

I know what you're thinking, "But he says the most ridiculous things and blames me for everything!"  I fully understand, I've been there countless times.  In those instances, think of him like a toddler.  You don't try to figure out what all the goo-goo-gaa-gaa sounds mean...you simply see a crying baby and you comfort it. 

Ignore your husband's words completely and simply focus on his FEELINGS.  Feelings are always real, even if they come from a temper tantrum that's ridiculous.

If he's sad, cheer him up.  If he's angry, calm him down.  That's the only goal, and the more you try to defend or explain why he's wrong, the worse it gets.  So skip all of that, recognize a hurting toddler in need, and help him get through the moment.  The argument part might not even come up later because it wasn't about that...it was always about FEELINGS and his inability to express that his feelings were hurt.

Now, I'm not calling your husband a toddler.  But when he's in that emotional state, he's thinking like one.  Everything is explosive and reactionary.  So you calm him down, refuse to take the bait and argue, and you wait for the moment to pass.  Then you can go about your day like nothing ever happened.

I know this sounds certifiably insane, and you're probably thinking it would never work in a million years.  Give it a try though, just for a day.  Don't argue or defend.  Show compassion when he starts to anger, and let him know how much you care about him.  That's what all of this is actually about on the deepest levels.  He's afraid you're going to leave him and all this chaos follows through disordered thinking.  You just help him "reset" to get off that broken line of thinking.

Thank you for your useful advice that I will be putting into practice immediately.  My husband was only diagnosed a couple of years ago so I'm still trying to educate myself on the complexities of bpd. Challenging his behaviour stems from my own fears that he will end up receiving a custodial sentence the next time his behaviour is out of control. This usually happens when he is drinking and someone says or does something he doesn't like or agree with. So your advice makes sense and I will accept the toddler behaviour rather than confrontation. I am so happy to have found this forum as I have been struggling on my own and felt very alone with his diagnosis.

I'm glad we could help, and please continue to ask questions.  None of us got this at first and it seemed so counter-intuitive.  A BPD's brain is wired differently though and once they start to become dysregulated, it's like their logic turns off and an emotional rollercoaster follows.

Our job is to avoid getting on the rollercoaster with them; we need to be the rock that brings them back to a calm, balanced state.  It's very challenging at first, but it is possible and you can get there in time.