BPDFamily.com

Hi folks,

Longtime reader here. This forum has been extremely helpful over the years as I've navigated a myriad of relationship issues. I'm back at the moment because my dad is back in my life. I feel his presence looming over me, and I thought it might help to get some thoughts out of my brain and onto this page.

My dad has some combination of undiagnosed BPD/NPD traits. I don't remember much from my childhood, but I remember every insult and hurtful comment he threw my way. Some recurring themes: he had no son, and he wished I would run away and find a new family. I was the lazy underachiever. I was the most arrogant person in the world.

Growing up, I was also the scapegoat in my family. I was smart and got good grades. So when the family had problems, it was my fault. When he spent all the family's money and we almost lost our home, it was my fault.

The rage episodes were the scariest, especially when I was little. He would rant for hours, spewing a stream of consciousness list of insults. Usually the rant would include every bad thing I had ever done in my entire life. The first rage episode I remember was triggered when I sighed in front of him.

Mostly, as a little kid, I remember being terrified of him.

Sometimes I got fed up and tried to defend myself. That always made things worse.

Sometimes I got really scared and went to my other family members for help. They would pretend to listen and empathize, then they would go tell my dad everything that I said. That always made things worse.

As a teenager, I learned to hide. I would sit at the dinner table and pretend to be there. But I learned to be a two-dimensional version of myself: All the basic facts are there, but there's no depth. No emotion, nothing too personal, nothing that would make me vulnerable or could be used against me.

That kept the peace for a while, particularly once I moved out of the house. There would still be the occasional rage episode. But the distance helped.

Shortly before my daughter was born, I triggered the last real rage episode. I didn't make enough eye contact while he was telling a story. He ranted for hours. The one moment I remember clearly, toward the end of the rant: He looked me dead in the eye and said, "I will never live anywhere close to you, because I just don't like you."

It wasn't the meanest thing he ever said, but it stuck. It broke something inside of me that day. I realized I could never have a real relationship with him. I left and planned to never speak with him again. I think my family sensed something was very wrong, because they panicked and tried very hard to bring me back into the fold.

I went grey rock after that. And, with just a handful of exceptions, I have maintained that grey rock for over a decade. He does not understand it and he does not like it. But it (mostly) keeps things from boiling over.

He is older now, and he is having health issues. And right now, he is lovebombing me. I get vague apologies for things he does not remember. I get over-the-top compliments that mean nothing. And he is begging me to do...something? Make him feel better about himself? I am polite, I am courteous. I visit for holidays. I send him a birthday gift every year.

But I think what he really wants is for me to make his emotional pain go away. I cannot do that, even if I tried.

I also cannot tell him that I forgive him and that everything is ok now. Because I don't forgive him, and nothing is ok. I can't get those years back. It has taken me a long, long time to feel whole and to build healthy relationships with people in my life. I will not go backward.

But I feel the pressure to make everything ok. Just like when I was a kid, and he was ranting and threatening everyone: It was my fault, I had done something to set him off, and the only way to make it go away was for me to admit that it was my fault and to say sorry.

I welcome any thoughts, suggestions, or shared experiences. It helps to get this out. Thank you for reading.

I can understand what you are going through. My father said similar things to me before he passed away. I didn't do anything to him that could have provoked this. BPD mother was angry at me, and I think she painted me black to him.

After he passed, BPD mother wrote me out of her legal papers, refused to let
me have any of his personal belongings that were sentimental to me.

Prior to that, I could tolerate some of the behaviors. It's like they went too far. My relationship with my mother was already strained but I didn't think it was with Dad. I cried for months after he passed away.

I did remain in contact with my mother and participated in her care needs in her elder years later. But it was also about my own standards, to know I didn't abandon her and that her care needs were being met. Keep in mind- we don't have to feel a certain way to treat people with decency. I didn't think it would change how she felt.

I did keep a distance from her. She wanted to move near me so I could be at her service, which also included her verbal and emotional abuse. Mostly, she was emotionally cold to me, treated me like a servant. I was civil and decent to her. She would call me at times, wanting me to make her feel better. I would listen to her and try to reassure her but I kept an emotional distance.

I understand the pressure to make everything OK. We can't do that. You can't take away his emotional pain whatever that is. But we have to do what we think is the OK thing to do- with boundaries.

Is he seeking your forgiveness? I don't think my mother was, because, I don't think she perceives herself as having done anything wrong. There's no point in even bringing it up.

Forgiveness is a challenge. I think the path to being able to do this is to look first at resentment. Resentment doesn't do anything to them but it isn't good for us. Keep your boundaries but if you can work on dealing with resentment (I did with help from 12 steps CODA which helps with BPD too) you can see how letting go of resentment and being able to forgive benefits you. Forgiving isn't forgetting or not having boundaries or letting him be hurtful to you.

I was able to forgive them and I think, when you feel you are able to, it will give you some peace.

You will need to decide how much to be involved or in contact during his elder years and balance that with your need for boundaries. For me, I am glad that I was involved, with boundaries. I felt if I wasn't- I'd wonder about the what if I was. Whatever brings you a sense of peace.

You have been a good son and you don't deserve how he treated you. It's his mental illness speaking but these words can hurt.