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Struggling with BPD child + codependent spouse — need advice on boundaries

I've worked hard on learning all I can about BPD and understanding how to set calm boundaries with my adult child (who is in DBT but struggling with drugs, so lots of up and down moods not only related to BPD). When they scream, I stay calm and tell them we'll talk when things have calmed down and then I walk away — but my spouse tells me I’m partly to blame for the insults she hurls at me as I'm walking away, because leaving the escalated situation also triggers her. However, we had all previously agreed to this approach whenever things get too escalated.

From all that I've read, it seems vital that other people's personal boundaries still need to be honored if done calmly, yet my spouse’s codependency makes it impossible to be on the same page. I've seen our daughter talk so rudely, attack her, blame her, and she just takes it.

What do you do when one parent enforces boundaries and the other doesn’t?

Thanks for reading. I’m open to hearing both personal coping strategies and any practical ideas about family therapy or resources. I’m really trying to learn, but I can’t carry this alone — I need ways to make boundaries work when not everyone in the household supports them.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Hi Ianima.  Welcome!

I don't really know what to offer.  I don't have experience with this.  My BPD relationship is my  mother, and my H and I work as a team.  If I was co-dependent with my mother, it would be difficult for my H, and it sounds like that may be where you are at, except the relationship is with your adult child.

What strikes me first is that your spouse blames you for leaving the situation, but this is YOUR boundary.  Someone else shouldn't dictate your boundary.  It doesn't work like that.  Also, your spouse is blaming you.  That kind of Karpman triangle dynamic isn't helpful.  It seems like your spouse may be acting as rescuer to the adult child (victim) and making you the persecutor. 

You are entitled to your boundary because this is what make YOU feel safe in the situation.  Personally, I don't think this is negotiable.  That sounds like a conversation that is needed between you and your spouse, but I am not a counsellor or any other kind of expert.  Just the daughter of a uBPD mother.

What do you do when one parent enforces boundaries and the other doesn’t?
This is difficult.  I don't have a suggestion. I can't imagine what it would be like for my H if my H and I weren't a team.  I only want to offer support to you.  Do you see a counsellor/therapist?

It's a great question- and it's something I had to deal with since my ex-wife and our daughter were both BPD.  I always had to be the tough parent, the one who stood up for boundaries while my wife let our kid do whatever she wanted (in order to avoid conflict).  It made things exponentially worse in my kid's teens and then by late teens, something snapped and my wife (this was before we divorced) and kid were getting into weekly fist fights. 

I mean drag out, rolling around on the floor fist fights!

Now it makes sense though, they were both mentally ill and my ex-wife avoided conflict until she couldn't anymore.

All I can say is, having both parents on the same page is the biggest possible thing to help a BPD kid figure out the world.  All kids learn right from wrong through their parents, so if there's a vast difference of opinion to a BPD kid, it's going to cause havoc and lead to serious manipulation playing one parent off the other.

My advice would be to make a united stand with your spouse, because eventually something is going to break.  So do whatever you can to get on the same page and work together.

So, it sounds like your spouse is blaming you for triggering your daughter by leaving the situation when xyz happens, even though xyz behavior=exit the conversation is the previously agreed-upon strrategy?

Who came up with this strategy and who agreed to it? Who initiated the conversation around the strategy?
Is there a way to revisit conversation around this agreement when all parties are regulated emotionally?