BPDFamily.com

Hi!
I've been meaning to log on here for a while now after learning about it from walking on eggshells but hadn't gotten around to it since now. I have educate myself an incredible amount, read BPD education like it's water, and honestly I have a pretty good handle on how to deal with and help my boyfriend through splits/meltdowns.
The big thing I'm coming for help/advice on is how to bridge the gap between autism's logical bottom up thinking(me) and BPDs emotional face value thinking (bf).
Last night my bf had another huge split. We worked through it, and they are getting less common (YIPPIE  :wee) but I realized that one of the main reasons we keep butting heads is this difference in thinking.
A lot of the times I come from the perspective of trying to understand, especially when it feels like theres a double standard for behaviour, however I know that my questions can sometimes be in direct conflict to the BPD thought process and only cause more frustration by making him feel like he's bring irrational (never my intention). My bf being the wonderful boy he is is always trying to make sure I feel heard (especially after I just got out of a very controlling relationship). It leaves me between a rock and a hard place, where asking my questions makes his frustrated just as much as not.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? Be it bridging different thinking styles, communicating and phrasing in a better way, or even explaining my reasoning for abstaining from my perspective (only for the moment) where I'm not making it sound like they're a problem.
I love him so much and he has made me happier, better and more confident person so I want to make sure we can better understand each other.

Hell BusyBees,

If I'm understanding your question, are you talking about the disconnect between a person with autism and a pwBPD -- it being a very logical and practical place that a person with autism comes often comes form, and an emotional place that a pwBPD comes from? If that's the issue you're getting at, I relate to that a lot, as I'm on the spectum and my ex has BPD, and I'm curious if others relate to this. Anecdotally it seems like there's a high percentage of people on the autism spectrum in relationships with pwBPD, and I wonder why that's the case when those can be such conflicting communication styles / worldviews / ways of thinking and processing... Is it precisely because of the incompatibility that these types are drawn together, maybe trying to find what each is lacking in themselves? 

Got it in one. I think the prevalence might come from how blatant autistic people can be. There’s really no need to read social cues or in between the lines because there is none. If we’re upset we’ll say it, if we need something we ask, etc. I think the other thing might be the pattern recognition. Being able to figure out what triggers our pwBPD and how to help or be better. Especially with the cyclical nature of what splits and breakdowns can look like (at least I’ve noticed with my bf).
That being said the biggest issue I have is adapting to the unpredictable nature of BPD. I’m looking for rules and guidelines with so many things but what’s okay one day might not be the next.
When I was reading “The Autistics Guide to Self-Discovery” by Sol Smith, he had a part talking about how it’s hard from autistic people to deal with conflict with others because of the practical nature of their thinking. He described it as the hypothetical argument being a stage. Most autistic people will want to pause the “scene”, step back, look behind the curtains and figure out what’s really going on and what’s behind everything. I absolutely see myself in this analogy.
I think especially when you have a “scene partner” with BPD it can be even more infuriating for them to have us do so because they are so caught up in what is happening on stage.
I’ve found that sometimes even the smallest little arguments can turn into something bigger, mostly because they will say something that makes me think of something else. I’ll ask the why behind certain ways of saying things or reactions they had and it will just cause a bigger issue.
The hardest part is that I know that due to their fragile sense of identity they seem to see any question of reaction or idea as an attack on them when in reality it just comes from my curiosity and willingness to understand them and their way of thinking.
It’s even worse when later they’ve completely moved on from it but I still have questions or concerns about stuff.
Idk I’m rambling but this has been a pattern I’ve seen.