BPDFamily.com

The last three yrs, I have been in an on-and-of relationship with a man, who I deeply believe, suffers from high functioning bpd. We are both middleaged and I guess I therefor consider the situation to be even more chaotic… meaning I/we should know better. He recently broke up with me for the 6th time! And how crazy it may sounds, I still think about being reunited with him! When things are good they truly are, WE are good! Then he, like out of the blue, becomes doubtful about us, about our relationship.It always starts with him zooming out, splitting I suppose. His mood swings are fast and the impulsivity is always present. In between he is the most loving person and, despite him leaving me over and over, I still can’t seem to be objectiv… the fact that this dynamic won’t change?. He avoids medical help, mainly because of health anxiety, but also doesn’t trust therapists etc. I am stumbling in the dark and need support/advice to move on…Please share if you’ve been through something simular…

Hello Pena,

I was in a long term marriage to a man (now ex) who had almost all the listed BPD symptoms.  We had many extreme lows with bits of normalcy during the marriage. I wanted to leave him many times but didn’t. It was painful and scary to think about.

I got used to the drama he caused and started to crave it. I started yelling and screaming to make him obey.  I wanted to control him to bring peace and happiness to my life.

You may want to examine your motives about why you return to a disordered person.  Is it the fear of not having a partner and being middle aged compounds this fear? Is it you grew up in a chaotic household and this behavior feels comfortable? Do you think you have to fix him? Are you hooked on the drama he creates?

Has this relationship been mostly about him, the chaos he causes and his needs?

I understand the pull towards someone who is unhealthy. I'm middle aged as well, I grew up in a chaotic household that was unpredictable, without much emotional support, so unhealthy feels familiar to me.

What kind of support system do you have for yourself?

I'm in a situation now where continuing the relationship is actually harming me, so I have to do something different this time. It's hard to think about letting go, even so.

How are you feeling today?

I don't know if there are any published statistics out there on successful treatment for BPD, but I remember someone saying to me when I first learned about it "it ain't pretty."

I think you have to put away actions and thoughts based on the hope that the person will get treatment or change, and focus on the behavior you experience, don't like and want to stop.  And if they don't stop that behavior, you have to decide what you're going to do about it.

One thing I've had to learn is that if you are making excuses for the other's behavior, you have weak boundaries.  Link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

There's no right time and wrong time to maintain them.  You have to apply them objectively and that's how you establish how you want to be treated and what you won't tolerate. 

My situation wasn't exactly the same, but I did go through some "stages of grief" after learning from others - and reading about it - that my then-wife had a lot of the characteristics of BPD.  I hoped she could change.  I hoped she would see the need for more therapy (she had gone to therapy before we met, according to her) and get help to understand her behavior and how it was pushing us apart.

Anyways, the advice I got early on was NOT to mention BPD to my wife, and try to work on issues and behaviors as I encountered them, without trying to analyze why she did something or get bogged down in her finger-pointing and blame deflection. 

But anyways, she did find a therapist and go for a while, and we also saw three different therapists for marital counseling.  My experience there, and from what she told me about her own individual counseling, was pretty consistent with others' experiences I've read about here, and I think you'd experience the same.

Generally speaking:

- pwBPD will avoid therapy or counseling as long as they can.

- if absolutely pressed or given an ultimatum, they will go to therapy, but will use it as an attempt to validate their own actions, deflect the blame for any problems in the relationship to you, or if not in a relationship then to someone else in their life (parents, siblings, etc.)

- if they're not allowed to do this, or the therapist sees through their behavior and attempts to force them to accept responsibility for their actions, they'll blow up and refuse to go anymore, and claim the therapist is against them or something like that.

They won't engage in therapy in good faith.  They'll heavily embellish events to suit their own perspective and make them come off as the responsible, stable one, or even make up things out of whole cloth. 

BPDxw told me once that she preferred to work with men, (including for therapy) because she felt she could get men to do what she wanted, but that didn't work with women. 

When we were near our breaking point and she finally agreed to go to MC one more time, she let me pick the therapist, and I intentionally picked a woman (with extensive experience and with a masters' degree in psychology, i.e. an experienced professional).  Well, sure enough, the therapist tried to hold her to some standards, drilling in on why she felt I "didn't love her enough" and what it would take to get her to stop constantly accusing me of having affairs, badmouthing me along those lines in front of our daughter, etc. Well, BPDxw started screaming at the therapist (!!!), stormed out, and said "fine, we'll just get divorced then" (I moved out and filed a few months later).