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After years of on and off school refusal our last resort school has failed and we’re looking at homeschooling our two AuDHD kids. My HwuBPD and I both favor some sort of “unschooling” approach and at the moment we are just letting them chill and reset from the years of school trauma.

I’m starting the divorce process and my lawyer advised me to have some kind of structured homeschooling schedule/plan that involves some other person besides me or my husband being solely responsible. I’m currently working full time so he’s doing all the random stuff you could maybe pass as homeschooling while lacking the motivation or discipline to actually educate them in any meaningful way. I worry he will use my full time job as leverage for him to have custody or responsibility for the kids.

I have no idea how I’d actually swing homeschooling while working full time but I know I have the stability and self discipline to do it better than my stbex, and a somewhat flexible work schedule. And I don’t want to block his access to the kids entirely but I worry that he’s a destabilizing force in their lives. And worried that a judge isn’t going to understand the nuances of AuDHD kids and school trauma.

Anyone have experience going through this while homeschooling or unschooling?

Not exactly your situation but yes, lots of homeschool experience.

I was 100% homeschooled thru 6th grade (including one year of unschooling for 5th grade, which helped after a hard year of 4th grade). By 6th grade my mom was dealing with cPTSD from her childhood and at some level she recognized she needed a break, so she sent me and my older sister to do homeschooling at a fri nd's house where the mom managed the schedule. So even though my parents were still legally in charge, our friend's mom was the one actually doing the schooling. It worked well for me though my older sister did not have a great experience (she was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD). If you and your H can agree on a third party homeschooler (whether just one other family, or a co-op situation), that could be a good compromise where your kids get the low stress non-school environment but it isn't all on you or all on him.

Fast forward a bit -- my husband's kids' mom has many BPD traits and she and H had agreed to homeschool the kids. Kids were in a co-op that met 2-3 days a week, with the expectation that parents do actual instruction the rest of the time. H and I liked the program but Mom tried to keep H uninvolved. H actually got a job there as a teacher but once Mom found out, she pulled the kids out of the program (that was the year I joined here). When H's contract was up, she re-enrolled the kids. None of that is an issue with homeschooling per se -- more to suggest that your L is on the right track. If BPD is in play then you need to have solid, legal structure in place so that your H's emotions aren't running the show, like H's kids' mom did.

Educational decision making will be a big one. These days "custody" (legal decision making final say) doesn't have to be just "sole" or "joint". Saying "let's just do joint custody" means that nobody is the tiebreaker when there's disagreement. Aspects of "custody" can be split between the parents if they both agree to the setup: for example, you might propose that you are "tiebreaker" for medical, education, and religion, and your H is tiebreaker for dental, orthodontic, and vision -- something where you get final say in areas where his issues might cause chaos if not managed.

Anyway, outcome for us was H had to finally get a lawyer, which led to Mom finally agreeing to get a counselor for the kids, and the counselor (after getting to know Mom) strongly recommended that she and H put the kids in public school... so they wouldn't be at home with Mom all day (was what I was guessing).

So in circumstances where the non-BPD parent is the tiebreaker for educational stuff, and there's a good structure in place, then I do think homeschooling can work and be a respite for the kids. But it'll take some legwork and problem solving ahead of time, plus out of the box thinking because this will not be a boilerplate divorce/custody arrangement.

Not impossible... just be really planful.

...

How old are your kids? Knowing how long you need to plan for (i.e. if they're 5&6 vs 15&16) can make a difference.

They’re in 5th and 8th grade.

This is a big worry - I don’t think it would be good for the kids to be at home alone all day / most days with uPBD dad (and once separated whoever else he might be living with). He’s also paranoid against most institutions and outsiders and feels he needs to protect the kids from everyone (including me if I rub him the wrong way) so even getting a friend or a homeschool co-op involved will be an uphill battle. But I guess if I have a plan that theoretically works and he’s actively blocking it, I at least have evidence that I’m trying to give them a stable education.

I have a relative who homeschooled but I knew it wasn't for my situation.  I worked a regular job and my ex had stopped working when our child was born.  And she was extremely possessive of our young child and she was already determined to lock me out of parenting, even threatening to disappear with him before we separated.  I felt there was no way we could do homeschool since she would claim only she had the free time to do the education, so we used public schools since there were no health concerns with our child.

Your situation is, of course, likely quite different.