BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

This is my first time posting so bear with me! I haven’t been able to find exactly what I’m experiencing online, so decided to ask this community.

Nearly a month ago, I was at a family gathering when my sibling with BPD got up from the table suddenly and left the room. This was in the middle of light-hearted family conversation, our mom had made a remark poking fun at the people in my sibling’s world who had been annoying them as of late. My only guess is this comment sent them over the edge and made them overwhelmed so they needed to leave the situation, feeling attacked in some way.

Here’s where the confusion comes in. My sibling hasn’t talked to me since this incident. That night, I chose not to follow them to ask what was wrong or coerce them into spending time with the family. I let it go completely and decided to let them and their partner figure it out. I could understand how that might feel invalidating for my sibling, where no one tried to understand their emotional overwhelm in any capacity, but rather, just left the party and continued on as normal.

The next day, they ignored me completely—not looking me in the eye or acknowledging me. I just decided to go on as normal, which isn’t typical for me.

Since then, I’ve just left the whole situation alone because it has felt SO strange. I have no clue what I did, and feel no desire to fix it, either. There’s a guilt I’m carrying regarding the situation, but I feel resentment when I start to just tell myself, “Just be the one to reach out. They are hurting, and it would be easiest to be the one to fix it.” But I don’t want to fix it!

Can anyone at least relate to these feelings or this situation? I’m burnt out and confused. I’m more than willing to discuss more details if needed.

Hydrangealeaf,

For me, resentment is a litmus test.  If I'm feeling strong resentment, that tells me something is really off, and some part of me usually needs taking care of. 



One interesting thing here is that you are feeling this is yours to fix.  But your mom made the  light hearted comment...  I am curious, why are feeling this is yours to fix?

Another interesting thing is that a lot of us have been at the butt end of jokes at one time or another but we don't walk out and go no contact.  Maybe we roll with it, maybe we laugh too because it was actually a good joke, or maybe we talk to the person after and let them know how it affected us. 

Based on what you have written, your sibling may have had a strong reaction that didn't match the what caused the trigger?  Is that what happened? Or, was it something hurtful that crossed a line that anyone could get upset over since it was at a family gathering?  I think that is another litmus test.  How would other people have reacted in the same situation?

Why do you think you feel this way?  Sometimes it is appropriate to honour our own feelings, and let others caretake their own feelings in their own way and time.  Only you know the history, what led up to this, and whether it is your place to address it.  From what you have shared, it sounds like this could be between your sibling and your mom. 

It sounds like you are feeling a strong sense of obligation and guilt.  Consider checking out the information on our site about FOG (which includes obligation and guilt).  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog



 

Hi there,

The situation you describe sounds like a very typical one involving a person with BPD.  Generally speaking, they are thin-skinned and tend to take comments too personally.  Even seeing others be joyful is triggering, because they are reminded that they don't feel joyful at all.  Rather, I think they feel "traumatized" most of the time.  Since they feel traumatized, they tend to have a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary situations.  In the case you describe, your sibling left the scene--that's flight.  Maybe your sibling was looking to get sympathy and attention, to be "begged" to rejoin the gathering.  But since nobody came running after them, they felt even more aggrieved, and hence you've gotten a cold shoulder ever since.  Does that sound about right?

My opinion is that if you dignify your sibling's over-the-top reaction with a response, your sibling is getting rewarded for such behavior, and they are likely to continue reacting that way--storming off from festivities in protest, attempting to garner attention, trying to punish your family for their infractions with disruption and estrangement.  My approach is to treat the retreats as an "adult time out."  Your sibling needs time and space to cool off.  My advice is not to interrupt the time out!  They will rejoin the family when they are ready.  In the meantime, try to live your life as you normally would.  I know it's hard sometimes, because you want everyone to be happy.  If you feel too much guilt, you might decide to be the bigger person and reach out in an attempt to mend the situation, even if you didn't do anything wrong.  If that's the case, you can go ahead and do that, because it might make you feel better.  Just keep your expectations low about your sibling's reaction, which might not be the one you want.  Also, don't take the fall for something you didn't do.  Just stick with the truth:  you're sorry your sibling was upset at the gathering, and you want to be communicating again.  Does that make sense?