BPDFamily.com

3 year relationship, crazy push and pull ending..

Got the text 14 days ago 2AM.. any thoughts?

"Hi! Sorry to call you like that out of the blue...

Time has passed and a lot has happened, but some things never change, and time can't erase the past. So, I wanted to share a daydream I had.
Today, right now, something brought back a beautiful memory of what we lived through.
I took a shower, made some lemon balm tea, and went to bed to read a bit, listening to a playlist of light music.
The first song that played was "Je te laisserai des mots," you must know it!
This song reminds me so much of the best time we had together: the beginning of 2021. At that moment, I felt something in my heart that motivated me to write to you, unsure if I'm being inconvenient or not. If I'll get a response or not. If it'll be awkward... I don't know! Actually, that doesn't matter to me as much as the desire to put it into words.
I've been happy ever since, you know? Sometimes trying. Other times, being very.
I don't know how things turned out after I left, but I think you deserve to know that in my heart, you occupied a very beautiful place. And remembering that today made me regret that it ended for a moment. Anyway, life goes on…
I wanted you to know that I thought with affection and gratitude for this part of our history that is passing by. How are things going over there?"

BPDs run on emotion...and everyone's emotions change throughout the day.  When BPDs are happy, they pull people in.  When they're sad, they push people away.  You were a part of that push/pull at one point. 

Today (or 14 days ago), your ex realized that your prior relationship was beautiful ONE DAY, and they're looking at the entire relationship like everything was as perfect as the random memory they had.  That's why BPDs recycle relationships over and over again; as their feelings change due to emotion, so does their memories and relationships. 

This was your ex testing the waters, so to speak, to see if you would be open to another round.  But again, those were feelings in the moment that weren't made with any sport of logic (the opposite of feelings/emotions).  She could have felt that way for a few minutes, a few days, who knows.  It's anyone's guess.

Thank you for the explanation, I didn't answer the text since I am in another relationship.. but my relationship with this woman was so traumatizing that I needed to share with someone..

Do you think there will be more messages like this?

Since you didn't respond, she probably felt rejection and it's not likely that she'll reach out again right away.  Or maybe she forgot about it by the next morning; it's so hard to guess because you and I are talking about this logically where she was responding to you out of pure emotion in the moment.

If I had to guess though, I would expect more messages in the future.  I have two BPD's in my life (daughter, ex-wife) and even when they completely blow up on me, they'll reach out again whenever they're struggling.  Although your situation is different, I think it's similar enough that you'll eventually hear from her again.

I should have said it the first time around- her message was beautiful!  Even though you're in another relationship, do you want to reply to it?

I don't know if I want to, reply, I am with another person right now and things are good.. I had some withdrawal symptoms after the message but I think its more trauma related than me missing her.. to be honest the relationship was not good for me, rarely had sex or felt loved/wanted with her.. I don't feel that it was a beautiful message, I feel like I read that text multiple times on reddit from people that heard from their BPD exes..

At least you can see the relationship clearly now and know that it wasn't in your best interests- that's a lot of growth on your part. 

It's probably also good that you don't want to respond...I would have personally replied and instantly regretted being weak.  It's probably better to resist that temptation all together.

For the Reddit part- wow!  I never got on Reddit after my BPD ex and I ended our marriage.  This was the first site I found and it probably saved me a lot of confusion.

Hi. I think I saw this posted as a comment on a YouTube video over a week ago so it is obviously playing on your mind.
It’s clear that most of us suffer a trauma bond when being discarded by someone with bpd. Even if we are in a new relationship they can say or do things that throw us off our guard.

I guess if you don’t want to hear from her again then stay in no contact. Or just say I’m in a relationship and doing fine thanks if you really feel the need to reply.

As above, you can throw logic out of the window. I was with my ex 27 years and we are still married. I have literally just seen her when I was walking into my local shop and she was driving out of the car park, waving away like I am still her best friend, and the last real contact we had was a couple of weeks ago when she messaged and triggered me (being derogatory about my girlfriend that she has never met) so I basically spelled out what she was doing and her behaviour leading her to block me then she unblock me again five days later.

Her text is definitely one of 'testing the waters' to see if you're still interested and as you say, is the sort of thing many BPD's post after their relationship has ended. She probaby has nobody new in her life at the moment or maybe she has and the novelty has started to wear off, hence her contacting you.

Her text is totally non-commital; she says one thing then cancels it out by saying the opposite, like saying she's been happy after the breakup but then sometimes not. She's fishing, pure and simple.

I wouldn't take the bait and respond. Plus, as you say you're now in a much better and healthier relationship I definitely wouldn't respond. If she finds out you're with someone else then who knows how she'd act? Some BPD's can be thoroughly vindictive where another party is involved.

Unless you do want to re-engage with her and climb back onto the same roundabout, I'd let sleeping dogs lie and ignore any communications from her. Glad to hear you're with someone non-toxic now, best wishes for the future.

Thanks for your answer, It really bogged me for a bit.. my worry is if she will come back again.

As I replied above to another user, her text is nothing new to me even if its her first contact a year after discarding.. I've seen similar texts everywhere related to people with BPD.. my worry is her trying again and again. Thanks for your reply.