BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone. I just learned of this site from my counselor, who encouraged me to write a post as I am struggling right now. My son (who is transgender - I mention this only because his BPD symptoms tend to trend more toward how females manifest it than males), is 20 years old and has been showing signs of BPD for years, but has only recently been diagnosed. In addition, he has ADHD, GAD and an unspecified eating disorder. He is currently in Japan at a language school, which I am realizing now was probably a huge mistake, and is melting down. He convinced me and his father that sending him there would help him to better prepare for college as it would teach him how to be away from home, make a new set of friends, etc. and we (once again) held on to hope that maybe THIS would be the breakthrough that would finally help him. Before this, it was getting top surgery - before that it was starting college at the school he insisted was right for him (he only made it a week before his father picked him up after suicide threats). It's always the same thing - and I am finally realizing that this is going to be the reality for him - and for me- for the rest of our lives. I love my son, but I hate his behavior and how it seems to get more and more extreme. It's also dawning on me that he has no intention of ever leaving home, and I am so afraid he is going to end up an addict or commit suicide that I can't see myself forcing him out. I feel trapped by him and tortured by dealing with this condition. His father is no longer in the picture since we divorced in January, and my son has chased off every friend he has ever had. My own friends feel for me, but have their own things to deal with and can't really relate to this experience. I can also tell that they get tired of hearing about how I am once again struggling with my son. I don't blame them, as I would not want to be around this either, if I didn't have to be. I find myself getting more an more depressed and hopeless, the worse that he gets. It is also starting to effect my job and my health, as he texts me non-stop and says things that get more extreme the more I try to put boundaries up. I no longer answer my phone at night, because he has been calling me over and over. The last time I looked at my phone, there were 43 texts from him. I haven't got it in me to read them right now, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if this keeps up. I'm scared and sad and angry all the time. I've read the books, and I know that boundaries are important - but I also blame myself for a lot of this, and feel that it is my job as a mom to do whatever it takes to help him. I know the whole airplane mask analogy, but when he begs me to listen to him and help him I don't know how not to respond to it. I feel like I am going to break down myself, and sometimes I, myself, fantasize about running away or dying (not suicide, just being taken out by an accident or something) - just because I want all of this to end. I feel like I can't cry anymore, can't journal any more, can't talk about it to another counselor or well meaning but clueless friend anymore - its exhausting. I dread interacting with him, because it often devolves into him screaming, and sometimes i lost it and scream back - then feel like crap about it. I just feel so damn alone, and hopeless that any of this can end well. I'm hoping it will help to talk to others who understand, because I don't know how much more of this I can take, and it is hard for others who aren't immersed in it to understand what we are going through. Thank you for reading this.

Hi OregonianMom and welcome to the group. You are not alone in your struggles and we get how difficult it is to be in a family system when BPD is in the mix, no matter who has it.
While the person in my life with BPD is my husband's kids' mom, we are dealing with the effect of BPD on the kids. His oldest is 19 (20 next year) and is about to stop seeing us due to "feeling unsafe at our house" due to differences of perspective on issues including trans issues. Right now there is no "agree to disagree" or "meet in the middle". We of course want our child to be happy and at peace but just wish for a little more critical thinking instead of "this is the only thing that will make me happy". Its hard to hear "I don't feel safe at your house" after I had to call CPS 1.5 years ago about things the kids told us about Mom's house.

All that to say -- trying to parent a young adult child when BPD is in the family is a struggle that is hard for others to understand. I hear other friends talk about their kids being "brats" when leaving for college, then coming back chastened and ready to reconnect, and this is just orders of magnitude different. So, I get it  :hug:

The phone and text stuff does sound exhausting for you. Is there a recurring theme to the content? Are any of the calls/texts about a legitimate topic (travel logistics, finances how is the cat doing, etc)? Or do you mostly get blame/rage/threats?

Does anything seem to change whether you do or don't answer?

How long is the language school supposed to last? Are you and your ex mostly on the same page about parenting/young adult stuff (do you both agree with the BPD diagnosis, are you able to communicate about your kid, etc)?

A helpful resource in addition to a counselor and this group is the NEABPD's Family Connections program. It's a free 12 week course (sometimes they offer a condensed version) for family members needing support and skill building for coping with a loved one with BPD. I took it last year and had good group leaders (leaders have family members with BPD and have taken the course as regular members), and there was skill learning and practice. Many members were there for a young adult child. It typically has a wait-list so it wouldn't hurt to sign up now anyway just to have that as a resource to look forward to in a few months.

This is hard, painful stuff, and it sometimes cycles. There are ok times and then there are really excruciating times. The pain is real and everyone here is just nodding along with you saying, I get it, I understand.

Keep sharing and posting, whenever feels right for you -- we'll be here.

Hi OreganianMom,

 :hug: to you,

Reading your post reminded when I also felt totally overwhelmed with my udd. The mental stress of dealing with this stuff everyday is totally overwhelming thats for sure.

My udd moved away for a short amount of time when she was 20yo. It wasnt too far. Only a few hours on the train but the moment she left I heard from her day and night it saying how awful it was there . All her texts were  civil, but I noticed that they increased. I knew that she was stressed and wouldnt last there much longer but she never outright said it but I knew that it was just round the corner. In total I think she lasted about 1 month before she came home. I wonder  if it is the same for your son? Maybe he wants to come home without directly telling you,(and probably feeling like a failure) hence all the texts.

Presumably the school has counsellors for its foreign students. I think it might be worth setting up a meeting with a counsellor from your end if he is not seeing one regularly at the school at the moment if possible who you can keep you in the loop and share information with, as you goal is to keep him safe in the crisis and to take some of the strain off your you.

Also it sounds like you may be  depressed which is quite understandable. I felt the same too for a very long time when my udd was in her teens and  everyday seemed worse than the day before. I think a therapist may be useful for you to speak to, or your gp may have a counselling service. I attended a teen parenting programme lead by a psychologist while my udd had her therapy sessions in the same building  which was very helpful, even to meet and listen to other parents in similar circumstances did wonders for my mental health. Please also take some time out for your self even it is for 1hour a day. It doesnt have to be anything extravagant. I started by walking for 1hour when I could.
And  remember that although you love your son

you didnt cause it,
you cant control it,
you cant cure it.

 :hug:

Hi there, I am also new to this group.  I feel every word you are saying.  I have no advice to give, but I see you and I can relate to everything you are saying. 

I am dealing with my 22 yr old daughter.  She has always had issues keeping friends, issues with teachers and coaches, other family members.  She always claims that no one cares about her.  Every week she is asking for thousands of dollars.  She was diagnosed with anorexia when she was 15, she almost died from it.  One day she came to me and told me she wanted to get better and she did just that.  I am so thankful that she did recover, but in the process I ended up with PTSD from the whole thing.  She claimed that the reason she had the ED was because of my husband and she says he is the narcissist in the family.  This is because he is the one who has clear boundaries and does not give in to her.  She has put so much guilt on me saying that I was worst than him because I stayed with him and I didn't divorce him.  I actually believed all these things for a long time and carried such a burden of guilt that I gave in to her every whim.

When she turned 18 and was just into recovery she met a guy online in a different country and left home with nothing more than a suitcase.  We knew this was not going to work out, but there was no stopping her.  She enrolled in school there and started a new life with this guy.  I allowed her to use my credit cards and she racked up 3 cards to the limit and 3 lines of credit.  Each time I would unlock the card for her because she would plead to me that she needed to buy groceries and then the next thing I knew she would pay rent for the 2 of them on my card, book trips, or rent expensive cars.  My guilt and fear of her relapsing was so real that I relented and allowed it to happen.  That was my fault for allowing it I know.  In the past 3 years I have allowed her to bankrupt me, almost losing my home and everything I own and worked my entire life for.  I used all my RRSP funds for retirement to offset the debt and then only for her to rack everything up again. 

Fast forward 3 years later she ended up marrying this guy without telling us, we get a phone call one day and she tells us oh we just got married.  Then a year later she found out she was pregnant and still in school.  He was working and supporting them at this point though.  All of this was against every bit of advice we gave her.  We told her by having a child in a foreign country she was trapping herself there forever. 2 months ago they separated.  He had her evicted from their apartment and called immigration stating that he was no longer her sponsor.  He has anger issues and has been physically violent. So now she is stuck in a bad situation.  She just started a new job when all this happened.  She has 50/50 custody of the baby for now, but her situation there is precarious as she really has no rights right now, as she is not a citizen there but the baby is.  She could be sent back home without her child.  We are back on the hook for lawyer fees and helping her with expenses again.  I have just given her my last cent again and yet she is still looking for more.  I am evil to her because I don't have the thousands she is asking for this week. 

I really have lost most of my own friendships because I don't have it in me to be social anymore.  No one wants to hear about all this.  I feel trapped myself and I fantasize about dying myself, not by suicide, but just not being here to have to keep on going like this.  I can't turn my back on her either, so where do we turn?  It's the same thing as you describe, it's constant text messages asking for money and then berating me for not sending it.  This goes on all night and I am working 2 jobs now to pay off my own debt and to keep her going.  I have no life.  My life is working and working and then dealing with her.  Every time I see her number calling or a text message I get a sick feeling.  It's never ending and I don't think it will ever get better.  She doesn't see the problem, it's everyone else's fault.  The drama that she gets involved in is beyond what any person would deal with in their entire lifetime and it is constant, every week there is a new unfolding drama.  I hope you find your way through this and you find some peace.  I will pray for us...       

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  I'm sure your post resonates with many parents with adult BPD children.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter, who is a few years older than your son.  Some of her story echoes how your son is trying to cope as a young adult.  She too wanted to go far away for college, which I thought was ill advised.  She begged her dad and me to set her up in multiple apartments (usually expensive and far away), multiple times, sometimes only days after a suicide attempt or hospital stay, absolutely convinced that a new living situation would be exactly what she needs to launch her adult life.  She was relentless, and though she didn't convince me (I wasn't living in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt), she convinced her dad, and he relented, against our better judgment.  While it's true that she might have seemed to do OK for a few days, as soon as the novelty of a new place wore off, and as soon as she faced some obligations (such as studying or work), she'd completely fall apart.  She tended to blame others for her problems, citing "abuse" and "bullying," blaming others for her own dysfunction.  Eventually she'd reach the conclusion that she couldn't tolerate the new living situation any longer, because people were hostile to her, or she had "flashbacks" from a supposedly "abusive" past and couldn't concentrate.  She'd quit her job, or she'd drop out of her school, flushing tuition down the drain, and then she'd abandon the apartment (or get herself evicted) and come home to live with us again.  But the reality was that SHE was the common denominator of her own dysfunction; self-medication with marijuana only made things much worse.  Setting up a new apartment far away looked more like running away from her problems than dealing with them.  Moreover, she could have never set herself up on her own without our total financial and logistical support, which is telling.  When she didn't take her BPD therapy seriously, she was a complete mess, no matter what we did for her, no matter what the living situation.

Anyway, I guess my advice for you would be multi-faceted.

First off, know you are NOT to blame for your child's mental illness.  I bet you get an onslaught of nasty texts and communications from your kid, probably blaming you for all sorts of transgressions, which can be extremely distressing.  Please don't take the mean and hostile texts personally, no matter what buttons your son pushes masterfully.  Just take the texts as a sign that your kid is under a lot of stress, and he doesn't know how to cope very well, so he's taking it out on you, maybe just giving vent to his pain.  In fact, what I see is a kid who really needs you, because he's reaching out to you!  My other advice is to treat nasty texts like spam; try not to dignify a nasty text with a response.  I think that a response only riles him up even more, as you might appear to confirm your "guilt" for whatever he's accusing you of.  Only engage when he's being civil.  If you pretend you didn't see the nasty texts, I bet he'll pretend he didn't send them.  He didn't mean any of it, he was just trying to hurt you in a misguided attempt to make him feel better.

Secondly, I'd say that BPD is treatable, and my opinion is that your son is still young enough that with the right therapy, he could turn things around without derailing his entire life.  The rub is that he has to want to change to start to feel better.  He might not be ready for that until he hits bottom.  However, having (untreated) co-existing issues like ADHD and sexual identity transition could make things more complicated.  Anyway, my stepdaughter came out of a pit of hellish despair after multiple suicide attempts by taking her BPD therapy seriously, and she came a long, long way in just a couple of years.  Her life now, though not perfect, looks a lot healthier.  She still runs away, has a hard time with close relationships and can't seem to hold a steady job yet, but she's not talking about suicide, abusing substances and landing in the hospital like she used to do.  Physically, she's eating right, exercising regularly and looks fantastic, whereas when her BPD was untreated, she looked like a mess.

Another piece of advice for you is to think in terms of baby steps.  My husband and I had to learn the hard way.  Look, if your kid withdrew from "normal" life and spent time in the hospital, I think it's unrealistic to expect him to go half way around the world, far from any support system, and handle a full-time schedule of work and/or study right away.  It's almost as if you're setting him up to fail!  And failure is extremely tough for people with BPD to bear, because their outlook and self-talk is so negative.  My advice?  Think in baby steps, slow things down.  Sure, he could do a language program in Japan, just not right away.  He needs to build up to it first.  Maybe start with an online class or two, while maintaining therapy sessions.  Maybe start at community college, where he pays at least some of the tuition, so that he has skin in the game.  Only once he demonstrates he can handle the stress of a full-time schedule would you consider helping him do the same farther away from home.  Sure, he's free to do what he wants, as he's an adult.  But you don't have to be the one who facilitates everything.  If he had to finance a major move, surely he'd have to work gradually towards his goal.  The thing is that BPD usually comes with impulsivity.  If you provide support but insist on gradual progress first, he has a greater chance of success.

For me, it was helpful to think in terms of being "on track;" that is, moving in the right direction.  The direction of progress is way more important than speed.  Of course, there will be bumps in the road, but the key is for him to learn some resiliency, to demonstrate that he can get back "on track" reasonably quickly.  Only then would a big change like an overseas program have any chance of success.

Finally, you need to prioritize self-care.  You are no good to your kid if you are a basket case.  I think you should model for your kid what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes taking exquisite care of yourself.  If you need a break from the constant onslaught of distress, then take it.  If you need someone to talk to, you can come here, and maybe you can talk to a therapist.  If you can't stand to look at his text messages, then don't; if he really needs to talk to you, he can call.  If you can't bear to talk with him because he's being abusive, remember that he can always call emergency services if he needs them.  You need to do whatever it takes to get out of the FOG and be sure you're calm and thinking straight.  Look, pwBPD really feed on emotionality, so try to be calm for him.  If he riles you up, consider making an excuse (I've gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow) and extricate yourself before you get agitated.

All my best to you.

thanks so much to everyone who replied to my post. To fill in some blanks, let me say that I have a therapist of my own, and though she has been very helpful she also admits that she won't work with borderlines herself and does not have a lot of experience with bpd by professional choice, so hence why I am trying to find more resources.
My son has actually been pretty highly functional as far as being able to handle school and has not actually been hospitalized or had a true suicide attempt yet, or I would not have agreed to this Japan trip. I think he is looking for some hope just as much as anyone else, and actually does accept his diagnosis. We've been fortunate enough to have had him in therapy since a pretty young age when he first started struggling with depression, self harm and low self-esteem. Unfortunately, he tends to gravitate towards other people who show signs of BPD, so the drama level is pretty high, and these relationships are never stable or long lasting.
I really appreciate everyone sharing your stories. I don't think I'm necessarily looking for advice so much as commiseration and understanding. Having a child with this disorder is incredibly isolating, sometimes, and other people in my life, including my own family, don't really understand it, and tend to look at it through the ones of just having a terrible child who is spoiled and just need some tough love. I just don't think anyone can understand what this is like. Who do not live with a day after day.
Lost73, your story really resonated with me as I completely understand how that situation can develop. In fact, I worry very much that I'm going to have to work until I drop just to be able to take care of both of us, because no one else is going to deal with him.I really do feel like I'm in a situation where I either give my life over to his illness, or I allow him to die, and Idont really see a third option. I am very grateful, but so far I do not have a grandchild that is involved with this scenario, but even though he is transgender, he is still fully capable of becoming pregnant, and I can see him doing so in an attempt to find something to fill the hole of despair that he lives
anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone and tell you that it really did help me to feel less alone just to hear your stories. I am grateful I have found this community, and hope by continuing to post and interact that maybe I will feel less overwhelmed by all of this. Thank you so much.