BPDFamily.com

I have a 4 month old son, my partner and co parent will not stop trying to fight me, we’ve had to go to mediation, I’ve tried setting boundaries, and she just won’t stop trying to fight me and my loving family who will support her and love her no matter what, what do I do!? Showering her with kindness and support won’t work, giving her facts won’t work, being kind and supportive to my 4 month old son won’t work either, help me I love my son and I just don’t want him to learn this behavior and learn it for himself, I want him to have empathy like me

Many have sought answers for how to deal with a partner who now displays Borderline traits and behaviors (pwBPD) and we are glad to provide what support, strategies and approaches that have proven helpful over the years.  We have a vast array of hard-won "been there, experienced that" collective wisdom that are more likely to succeed.

That said, take a few breaths.  This might be worked out to some extent in mediation but there are deep issues with the mother of your child that will persist in the years to come.  Your focus, if not already, needs to be on the best - or least bad - outcome for your child.

Could you share a bit of what triggered this split?  Likely there were little signs in the past but now that you two have become three they've exploded into this major discord.

About going to mediation... this is a good first step.  Better now to get some professionals to step in.  A pattern we see often is that the other no longer see us as an authority and so The Real Authority - family court - has to step in.  However, often family court is a bit passive.  That's because it doesn't try to "fix" people (a concept you may have to accept) but instead sets court orders (boundaries) so basic rules are followed.

If therapy or counseling is mentioned, that is a good idea, more so for her but you can benefit too.  Be aware pwBPD traits are prone to oppose therapy but any amount of therapy is better than none.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and it may feel like all hope is lost.  But it's definitely not regardless whether you stay with your child's mother or not.

First, let's talk about your son.  Science is not sure if BPD is hereditary or not.  There are some families that see it through multiple generations, while others do not.  The more important part seems to be how the child is raised and whether or not there's loving support plus fair discipline.  Ultimately, the morals children learn from parents extend throughout their lives, so that's where your focus should be.

Next, let's talk about your partner.  She's angry and combative, which you take as a warped sense of morals.  But in reality, she's dealing with mental health and feels threatened by you and your family.  I'm not taking her side here, I simply want you to understand that she's suffering mentally and acting out because of that. 

For example, you mentioned showing her "facts".  Your facts are something like, "This happened and you reacted this way, which is completely wrong."  Her facts are, "I'm struggling mentally and you keep blaming me for everything, which shows you can't understand me at all."  Both facts are true from each person's perspective.

But let's look at reality here- the more you show "facts", the further she pulls away while feeling like the world is collapsing all around her.

Again, I'm not trying to take her side here AT ALL.  The way you communicate has to change though so she feels safe and secure in the relationship.  That's the crux of BPD and mental illness; she's her own worst enemy when it comes to overthinking and making poor choices.  When she has no answer, she lashes out to try to make you understand how much she's hurting.  Yet she can't express what's actually going on because she's fearful that you'll end the relationship and try to take her kid away. 

So you're stuck in this flux where everything is off-balance and everyone is miserable.

For a BPD relationship to work, you must learn a new way to communicate that validates her feelings.  Please note that feelings are not facts...she could say something way off-base, but the feelings inside her that are driving that conversation are 100% real and true.  So instead of arguing facts, you show empathy and comfort her feelings.  Make sense?

Please ask questions and tell us a little more about the relationship.  How long have you been together?  Are you currently together or separated?  Does she work or stay home with the baby?