BPDFamily.com

I am a first time poster and I am at a breaking point with my husband. I've known him for 9 years, several years ago we had a crisis breaking point: sex addiction. But only in porn and fantasizing but he was really awful to me. We worked it out. He did a lot of work, got an assessment: BPD, got sober and also took domestic violence training (never physical but emotional and psychological). He honestly made stellar progress.

Here is the thing, he is of the fragile/sensitive type. Most of what I read does not apply to him and our dynamic. I am not codependent, nor am I enabling. I feel like a lot of what I read does not look like us. And there seems to be little out there about this particular type.

About a year ago I started complaining about the lack of intimacy. He will quick fix then slowly it will go back. Because on the outside he is such a good and thoughtful husband, the changes are slow and insidious. That and I am not going to be hypervigilant. But what do I do when my words don't matter? When it only takes a complete breaking point for him to snap out of it?

Oh I am so tired of his brittleness. So tired of him making me the enemy. It is so strange, like he will see it, but then instantly...not. The last year he has had internal delusional ruminations while in therapy for DBT but didn't tell his therapist (he hides thoughts from himself and the therapist, he rationalizes to himself why his thinking is ok). He will do all of these things while writing me the sweetest love notes, or do so much around the house.

It is like he has this wonderful person, but then this awful resentful brittle child who wants nothing more but to blame me for making him feel bad.

Getting honest help (mentalism as an example) seems nearly impossible in our state. I told him I will not do his work for him. But if I am not injecting energy into the relationship then he starts slipping away.

When he snaps out of his mental delusions he sees it and I can see he is horrified about how he is and treats me. This is the insane part of it all, is that he sees it. But it takes me losing it on him before he gets there.

I love him. I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I do not know what to do. Where to get help. Where to go from here besides, "leave him!" Yes, this is an option I am considering but there is so much grief with that choice. I dont know what to do. Evenb therapy hasn't been helpful, he presents as so reasonable, personable, and kind, even his psychiatrist literally did not believe he is borderline (he is!). It is all just hidden under the social persona. I've had therapists really not back and support me. Get bamboozled by him.

I am so tired. So lost. Why does everything have to end? Why can't there ever be a happy ending?

That apart about  you having to “loose it “ before he snaps out of it completely resonated with me.
My husband is always apologetic but not repentant. They want to continue their cycle of “ I love you, I hate you , but please don’t leave me.”
He’ll even take back his apology once everything has cooled down as if he mulled it over and thought better of it. To feel that much emotion is exhausting and though we want to fix the BPD person in our life, we can’t want it more then they do.
When people show you who they are believe them. After 14 years together and 5 years of marriage I’m depleted.