BPDFamily.com

Met a girl online about 2 months ago. Absolutely stunningly gorgeous and incredibly friendly. Judging by her photos, I saw we had some common interests. We got to chatting and instantly hit it off. Our conversations flowed like nothing I have ever experienced before. We talked daily for hours on end. She soon after beginning to talk told me about her diagnosis of BPD and BD2. She also explained how she is doing her best to manage it by attending counseling, seeing a psychologist, taking medication, doing dbt work, and attending other support groups such as al-anon to deal with her struggles with alcoholics in her life. Through all of her struggles, she is an incredibly well put together person.

She asked me if that made me hesitant at all explaining "thats a lot for me to drop on someone new, but I want to be transparent with you from the start". She also told me that I was completely justified if I felt like I wanted to end it there. I laid down some bou daries, but told her I wasnt going to run just because of her diagnosis. She was grateful that I didnt judge her solely on her diagnosis.

Upon our first meeting it was like nothing i ever experienced, she was so warm and passionate, treated me like I was a king. I was slightly hesitant at this point because I knew this was a red flag and possibly lovebombing. So after our weekend I told her I liked her, but I wished to take things slower moving forward. She actually agreed and said that was probably for the best.

Moving forward we got along so well. I know some of it can be pointed towards her mirroring me and love bombing, but some of it was just the fact that we genuinely clicked. She would tell me some of her interests and they would be things that I have not shared with her or anywhere on social media.

We began to see eachother more. Had a few disagreements about things, but she navigated them healthier than any other relationship ive ever been in. Even at times that she was overwhelmed she would tell me "im overwhelmed right now, can we come back to this in a moment", and she would always come back and bury the hatchet in a healthy way. Still I maintained my wish to go slow, which she understood, even though I knew she wanted more. She even joked "one day you'll have to actually make the move and make it offical".

The more weekends we spent together we began to realize we co-existed quite well. I was starting to contemplate taking the plunge and making it official. Things felt great, we got along flawlessly. Said that I was the first person who made her feel safe and secure, and the first person she felt like she could be herself around. She said she had never felt so seen before. Especially after having picked bad partners in the past.

Then last weekend she decided last minute to go out of town to visit family. During that weekend she withdrew and became quiet. I knew something was up. I even asked "are things okay with us?" To which she said "yes, im so sorry im just super busy".

Well we were supposed to see eachother this weekend amd she canceled. I called to ask what was up but she basically told me she was feeling overwhelmed. I asked if that meant things were ending between us to which she said "no, can we talk later".

Few hours later we texted a bit, but she explained she didnt have the space for the conversation, but wanted to give me clarity.

So this morning she finally texted me the reason, then we went to call. She said that she had talked to an elder at a thanksgiving party she was at about her struggles and they suggested she needed to heal. The elder asked her to attend a medicine circle the following day and explained that she is a healer, but she must first geal herself before she can heal others. This resonated woth her as she is a social worker, and genuinely has a big heart that wants to help people. In my short time with her I have never met someone that is so kind and compassionate to complete strangers. I truly believe she has a verk kind and nurturing soul. After talking with the elder, attending an al-anon meeting, and having time to reflect she realized that she had moved to fast and that she was feeling like she was taking on too much. She said she still feels a strong connection, but not in an intimate way at this moment. She said she needed to take a step back and not date. She said that she has spent her whole life worried and caring about others, but has never taken the time to truly love and give into herself.

I was shocked and hurt, but I did understand. I thanked her for being transparent with me. Told her that I want her to do what she has to do to be happy and thrive in life, and while its not how i wanted things to go, I accept that is the reality of the matter. I then asked if she finds herself in a better spot in the future and that we are still single, if she would like to try again. She said "maybe, i dont know. I dont have that answer right now". She said that she removed me from social media because seeing my face would be too much and bring her back in. She said "this feels like a breakup". I told her it absolutely feels like a breakup to me, even though we didnt have a label yet".

I reassured her that while I was hurt and my intentions to form a relationship were true, that my emotions weren't hers to manage. I told her I didn't want her to carry guilt about her decision. I gave her words of affirmation that I know resonated with her, judging by the cracks in her voice. 

I asked where we go from here, whether or not we stay in touch. She said "no, no contact right now". Everything is asked about with the future in was met with "I dont know, maybe, possibly, ect.). That included my question about a future relationship and about me adding her back on social media eventually.
When I said "i dont think i plan on dating fir a while, and im assuming from what you said, you arent either", she responded with "I dont know, I sure hope not, because damn i need to heal".

I asked what she wanted me to do with her things. I offered to hold onto them and keep them safe for now. She thanked me and said "maybe when im up at my sisters I can come grab them". This is still not logistically ideal since she lives 4.5 hours from me and her sister lives 3 hours from me.

So from there we wished eachother the best. Talked about me keeping her things until she is able to get them (which is tough because there is some distance). Then she expressed her wish to not be in communication for the time being. I accepted and told her that if she ever needs to reach out to talk, or is in crisis, that she is more than welcome.

She thanked me for being so kind and understanding, and told me she had never experienced that in the end of a relationship before.

I sent her a final message reiterating how I felt. She responded with "thanks you, I will keep in touch about my things".

I am honestly a little heart broken, I did see a future together, but I also am glad this happened before we continued to have deeper feelings. Its just hard for me at the moment. I feel like i connected deeper woth her than I have in any of my long term relationships. And she expressed the same sentiment.

What do you all think of this? She seemed to be pretty good at managing her symptoms and had the awareness to end the relationship before things got more confusing.

Was this a split? Did she just become overwhelmed with the positive feelings and ended it before she felt like she could be abandoned, or do you think she is genuinely focused on her healing journey.

I also am curious if any of you think she will be back, and if so, in what capacity?

Im just genuinely shocked, hurt and blindsided by how quickly this all went down.

Hi and welcome. I am new to this site too, and learning about bpd and behaviour patterns so others will be able to offer better advice or thoughts on your situation, especially as my own situation is very different to yours, but I know it can be a little frustrating to write down your story and get things off your chest and not get much response so I’ll try and get the ball rolling.

My first thoughts are, at least you do seem to have a little bit of a head start in the fact that she has openly discussed her diagnosis, the fact that she is self aware enough to even get that diagnosis, and is actively seeking support for it. Many of us are not afforded that luxury. I know this is of no comfort to you at the moment, but it does mean that without a doubt you know that you are, or have been dealing with someone that has disordered behaviour traits.

Secondly, it is impossible for any of us to answer your questions with any certainty, as everyone is different, and most of us on here are ‘normal’ and don’t understand the dysregulated behaviours and thoughts of a pwbpd. Nor do any one of us want to give you false hope.

My own thoughts on your situation. It was a relatively short relationship, and the both of you would have still been going through the honeymoon period, the idealisation phase, so you won’t have experienced any or many of the darker behaviour traits of a pwbpd. This is not to say they would have been as bad as many experience as she is actively getting help for her diagnosis.

It is quite possible that you will here from her again, especially as you have not appeared to have been through a devaluation phase, and from what you have written it seems like your relationship has been one of the more positive relationships that she has experienced. Again, not wanting to get your hopes up.
She is right though, you should not have any contact. This would be your best shot at her returning, if you chase her it will more likely push her away than attract her to you.

One thing I read recently that kind of makes sense, is to imagine they are a cat. If you chase a cat because you want to stroke it, it is more than likely to run from you. If you want to stroke a cat it is better to let it approach you on its own terms.

Hi, and welcome.

From what you've written, your girl seems to be very well adjusted, even though she has BPD.  Many with the illness will deny there's anything wrong with them, refuse to seek help or, if they did see a therapist, give up after 2 weeks claiming 'I'm cured'.  The fact that your girl knows she has problems and is actively trying to fix them is a good sign.

Just reading what you wrote, I'm wondering what effect this 'elder' could be having upon her though.. are they actively telling her to stay away from you to 'heal'?  They could have good intentions but I'm always wary of how easily people can be influenced by those who say they want to help. Just my thoughts.

She's definitely worth staying with so I'd still try and keep some contact, without upsetting her boundaries at the moment. Just let her know you're still there for whenever she decides to come to you.

Best wishes.

Hi Kona -

Welcome.  And I hope you come back to the site.

I see some things a little differently sometimes.  But maybe there are some things aside from her *needing to heal* or outside words from an elder that contributed to this breakdown.

I am very sorry that you’re hurting.

First, I don’t believe this is what we’d describe as a “split”.  Those are normally more black and white thinking, may be louder in nature, contain some villainizing words and paint you as the “cause” of the discard.  Your exGF (for lack of a “label”) did not reportedly do those things.  She took responsibility for this need for space.

You don’t say your ages or whether you or your ex have jobs, attend university; however she does engage in ongoing therapy, DBT, Al-anon, medication therapy, etc in actively working toward healing and managing her conditions/background.  And this is a long distance relationship - a 4.5 -hour drive (9 hours round trip, right?) taken most weekends.  Did you and she alternate the driving to see one another?  LDR’s are difficult at times.

When someone is as actively engaged in therapy work as she is, that therapy doesn’t stop when a session or meeting ends or a workbook page is turned.  The thoughts are pervasive.  And having a supportive partner who truly understands, or is working to understand, what’s involved is important.  That provides a ton of validation for the person engaging in the healing work.  I’m wondering what level of openness there was between you regarding these therapeutic activities. 

I do understand this was a very new relationship.  Deep and true emotional intimacy comes with time, so maybe the two of you had not yet built that level of trust.  If you don’t go in, you can’t find out.

You stated that when she disclosed her BPD and BD2 diagnoses to you, you “laid down some boundaries”…  “she was grateful that I didn’t judge her based solely on her diagnosis”. 

Can you specify What those *boundaries* were? 
Did you have prior relationships with people who shared diagnoses of BPD and/or BD2 that informed you of how to communicate your needs in this area? 
Or did she communicate negative tendencies from her past that led you to communicate what your boundaries would be?
In response, was she able to openly express what she needed from you?

Kona - I do have more to say…actually the important stuff that I believe may have been more key to the reasons for your relationship taking the turn it did.

She seems very intuitive and many people who are engaged in this healing work and develop self-awareness do sense what’s behind things… the doubts of others can play a role in their decisions.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes