BPDFamily.com

Apologies in advance for the long post. I am new to this group, but reading some of the discussions is helping. Thank you.

I am here, mostly because I have no support (family or friends) and my therapist is not really doing much to help, beyond listening to me and acknowledging how much hard this is for me.

My ex partner and I have been "together" for 13 years  (not sure how to call him since we have been separated and living in 2 different countries for the last 5 years, while maintaining contact).

He sees a therapist. He has Borderline personality, suffers of intense anxiety, lacks sense of responsibility (work, bureaucracy, irrational spending) and uses alcohol to avoid any kind of emotions (he was hospitalised many times due to severe intoxication). In the past years he has isolated himself and developed anger toward rich people, intense fear of death and what there is after death, an obsession on what is fair and unfair (to him), difficulties interacting with people (when he does, he puts a very good mask on).

All this comes from childhood trauma with an obsessive mother who still wants to have control on his life. He was taught to be the good boy and to show to be a good respectful son, until when we moved close to his mother who expected to know everything of us. In time this created problems between us and many arguments. I was accused by his mother to be dangerous for him and the cause of his anxiety because he loved me too much and "cared" too much for me.  He would not respect our privacy and continue to lie to me regarding what was shared with his mom and so on. He would spend money and ask his mom for money.  He now says he felt trapped, but he still does not understand he always did what was easier for him to deal with a toxic relationship with his mom, while not taking into account our relationship or my feelings. He contributed to create a distorted image of me. I was alone, with a disability, with no friends and a network of people who only ever heard his side of the story and blamed me (because they believed he was "living only for me"). Over this time I was unexpectedly diagnosed with a muscle disease which has caused progressive disability. As you can imagine this has created more issues, since he was not able to be there for me, but rather I had to help him cope with this, without never having myself support. It created huge stress which made my condition progress quickly. The lying increased when he started to drink, hide bottles, spend our money etc. I broke up with him 5 years ago when Covid started. I was very firm, and did not want to talk to him.

The communication started to be more regular 2 years ago. I visited him for 2 months but things did not work. I tried again this summer and It was a total disaster. He says I am difficult and my situation is difficult and he feels responsible for me. But he never cares for me and acknowledges how difficult he is instead, and how much his condition creates limits in daily life and the couple.  In full truth, I have always been his full time carer. Always beside him when drunk and depressed, always listening to his own problems, issues etc. During this last visit, he approached friends and talked badly about me to find compassion, painting himself like the full time carer he was not and giving a distorted side of the story in which my disease makes things difficult.  He is a kind individual, who manages to be loved by everyone, so it has always been easy for people to believe him, since I am the strongest and independent in the couple. After this last trip, I had to go home so we had to travel together (due to my disability), but he made sure (as he said) to continue drinking to sabotage the trip and be denied boarding (he did not want to travel and he did not want me to leave). We eventually took the plane, he kept drinking abroad and on his way home he was arrested by the police at the airport because he wanted to take hid plane. He eventually was released, called his mother who booked another ticket for him and asked a friend to inform me about his departure.  In all this time I was not sleeping, I did not know anything about him + Instead of having myself support, I was accused by his friends as well to be dangerous for him and that it was my fault. All the guilt, stress that has been thrown at me (while coping with the struggles of my own medical condition and hiding everything from my family who would have also accused me for trying again with him) have been unbearable. I feel lost and consumed and I need help to find the human side of everything he and his circle of people have done to me :( I know I am not wrong and my only fault was to support him too much, while never expecting support myself :( but this is too difficult, I am a very empathetic person, I love him and I still care for him.

My advice - and apologies for being blunt as well - is to find a better therapist. 

The fact that you continue to care about this guy & try to put effort into this relationship given all he has put you through is something.  Maybe you have a codependent streak, or some self-esteem issues.  A good therapist would help you work on these things, rather than just listening to you and describing the water you're drowning in. 

My take is that you'd be better off without these people and this man. You made the decision to leave him but drifted back.  You seem unwilling to make a firm decision to break it off for good.

 When  I've not wanted to face an uncomfortable truth about myself, I take on a project of a dysfunctional person to fix or fuss over. I'm a female and this is pretty common codependent behavior.

You need to find some strength in yourself to dump this guy asap. He's bad news.