BPDFamily.com

Hello, I am a 60-year-old mother and grandmother. My sister and I were raised by a BPD mother. Our parents divorced when we were little, and we rarely saw our father. My mother was never formally diagnosed or treated for anything, but a friend loaned me her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, years ago, and after reading it, I had no doubts that my mother had BPD. I have had years of therapy, and my mother died in 2016, but I am still struggling with feelings of guilt because I never felt love towards my mother. My sister knows our mother was mentally ill, but my mother treated her much better than she did me, and my sister says she loved our mother. I know my mother did a lot of damage to me, and I have carried that knowledge my entire life. Sometimes I think I am doing okay, then something will trigger me. I am angry that I didn't have good parents. I am angry because all of our family and friends thought my mother was a saint and would never believe me if I told them what she was really like. I'm not really sure why I am here. I guess I'm just trying to find others like myself who may understand. Thanks for listening.   

Hi, and welcome to the group.

It sounds like you have a lot to unpack in the childhood trauma area. This is a place where you can share as much or as little as you like.

So, did your father choose to be estranged or was that your mother's doing?

I think, given the circumstances, it's not surprising that you didn't bond with your mother. Can you tell where the guilt is coming from? Is there a belief that you "should" love your mother because your sister does?

Hi NurseMimi,

My mother is a diagnosed pwBPD. I was her target of abuse aka her scapegoat. It makes me angry how her abuse has damaged my life too. I had a dad and older brother who benefitted from not intervening since I took the brunt of her rage.

People don't think my mom's a saint because she has a reputation for being difficult, but it's within our culture that mom's up on a pedestal because, well, she's mom. You look like the difficult one for complaining and being a whiner.   

You can't force yourself to feel what you're not feeling. I have to be honest and don't feel love towards her either.  It's a lonely place to be when you are grieving someone you didn't like. It's not in the daughter script and not too many understand since they had a normal, loving mother.

You're not alone and I go through bouts of guilt and anger too.

There's a book I started but couldn't finish because it was too painful. It's called I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. She was a child television actress whose mother pushed her into acting. Her late mother sounded disordered and probably had BPD. I admire the author for speaking candidly about her scary experiences. I see parallels with my own mother. I know others with disordered mothers have too.

I hit post too soon. The book's title is just that. She is glad her mother's not in her life anymore.

I just found this video of the author being interviewed by another former child actress about the book.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VAYML6NSyPA

I can relate to your situation. My BPD mother passed away recently in her elder years. I think there's an expectation about how we are supposed to feel about our mothers, and yet, the other assumption is that all mothers are loving and caring to children.

It's not the child's fault that their mother is different and people feel what we feel.

I think at times, we grieve this situation. Perhaps at different stages. As a child, I wished for a "Mommy" who was like my friends' mothers. As an adult daughter of an elderly mother- I wished to be able to help her in ways I saw my friends' help their mothers. Neither situation was the way I wished it- it was not the same situation.

So how to cope/manage and hopefully resolve the feelings. I have done a lot of counseling- not continuously but as certain stages or challenges happen. I did some counseling to help me to process her passing.

We don't control what we feel- and however you are feeling- no need to judge- whether it's not feeling something or feeling something. Sometimes we have a mix of feelings. Sometimes we disconnect from them as a coping mechanism and need to learn that it is OK to feel what you feel, or not feel.

In some families, the children are split. The Golden Child in my family had a different relationship with my BPD mother and so did feel more attachment for her. It's not actually better to be the GC. BPD affects all relationships. You and your sister each had your own relationship with your mother.  Each of you have your own strengths and resilience too.

That people outside the family thought your mother was wonderful isn't unusual too. BPD affects the closest relationships the most. My BPD mother could hold it together better with people who were not immediate family. People would not have believed us either if we said anything. This feels invalidating. Counseling helps - because in counseling- we feel heard.

People here believe you too.