BPDFamily.com

I recently split with my husband of almost 30 years for what I thought was emotional abuse. It's always been like living with two different people, but for a few years before the split it was only one side I ever saw. When he left, he went straight to GP and got therapy and meds, everyone told me how different and calm he was. I was bombarded with texts telling me how much he loved me and didn't realize what he was doing to me. He didn't realise he was scarring me, took accountability for everything and said he was a changed man. At this point he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
After a few months I decided I had to see for myself and give it one last shot. I'd always seen the vulnerable little boy underneath it all and thought things could change.
As soon as he got through the door he stopped his meds and twists everything so it's actually all my fault. Our adult son is no longer speaking to him because of the things he's done and said. I really want to help him, I want for this to work out cos this time is the final chance but once again it feels like I'm living with my worst enemy. Every word has contempt behind it. Also, his family back home totally, they're all manipulative, argumentative and abusive to their own partners. How do I stop this dynamic before it gets too ingrained again?

What you experienced is that your H was motivated to change when you left, and now that you are back, that motivation isn't there. People can be externally and internally moticated. Often, it's a bit of both- we work for a paycheck but also are internally motivated to do a good job. There's a push-pull dynamic to a relationship with someone with BPD, and when you were away, he wanted you back. Now home, that goal is met.

But to leave, come back, leave- that isn't a good situation either. What you want is to have different dynamics within the relationship. You also don't want to push pull as a means of manipulating or controlling him. It's not possible to change another person. You can't make him motivated. However, you can work on your part in the dynamics.

It seems your H has had a therapist. Do you have one? Since changing your part in the dynamics involves you, this would be something you can work on with your own therapist. It may not seem fair that you do the work on this while he is the one with BPD but you are the only one to do this work for yourself. Ideally, he would do his work too- but that's not something you can do for him or make him do.

It will involve boundaries on your part, not reacting emotionally to his accusations, and accepting that his perceptions and behaviors are an aspect of his BPD and less about you than about him. There's information about using tools on this board to relate to him. It also involves not tolerating verbal or emotional abusive behavior from him- leaving the room, not engaging in circular discussions. Your user name is a good description- stay calm in the storm. His emotions are an internal storm sometimes but this is a part of who he is.

That your adult son isn't speaking to him- this is unfortunately one possible consequence of having a parent with BPD. I am the adult child of a mother with BPD and while I didn't stop communication with her, I kept an emotional distance. It wasn't something I would have ever wanted to do with a parent, but children have their own experiences, that may be different from the spouse/partner. This is his own process for how to deal with that. One thing he risks by having boundaries is his father- and then possibly you, rejecting him. That's not what he wants. Please don't react to this and also don't force him to have a relationship with his father if he can't at the moment. It may not be forever, and possibly one day he might feel safer to engage again. For now, he doesn't feel safe.

We don't know all the reasons why someone has BPD, but having a family member with a disorder or addiction can affect how a family functions and it's possible that other family members have some kind of issue as well. You have seen the family your H grew up in. This isn't to blame them. The parents may have grown up in family dysfunction too. You are aware that your H's family isn't going to be helpful, so stay polite and cordial when you are around them but don't look to them to be a support system in this situation. A therapist can be a good support to you.