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I am 23 and have been seeing a guy with BPD (26) for about a year now. We were off and on at the beginning. I made a mistake and had sex with another guy when we were supposed to be exclusive. I told him the next day and I felt awful about it. That obviously triggered him and we didn't talk for about a month. We started seeing each other again and became serious over the summer. What is bothering me is that he still wont ask me to officially be his girlfriend but confessed his love for me this past weekend when he was drunk. Its obviously very confusing for me. We act like boyfriend/girlfriend and he talks about the future like I am going to be in it. Can he just not move past the mistake I made? Is it hard for people with BPD to trust again?

To give more context, he has more Quiet BPD tendencies and tends to emotionally withdraw when he is having a bad day/week. I have let a lot of things go because I feel so bad for what I did but now it feels like he is in complete control of the relationship (and I think he likes it like that). It feels like he is enjoying that I am chasing him and he can withhold the title of girlfriend from me

Hi and welcome. Sadly, it is hard for BPD's to trust, even if you've never given them cause to doubt you, because insecurity plays a big part in their condition.  They fear being abandoned and even the slightest and most innocent thing you do - like simply turning up late - can make them think you don't care any more and are preparing to ditch them. Their thinking can be so disordered and they see a breakup threat in everything.

Knowing that you did sleep with someone else while with him will most certainly have triggered him, hence his unwillingness to commit and officially call you a serious couple. Plus BPD's tend to bring up things from the past and use it against you whenever they have an episode - - they seem to have a remarkable memory when it comes to remembering past 'insults'.

Regarding him enjoying being chased, I can certainly relate to that as I chased after my exBPD whenever she broke up with me and I'm certain she enjoyed it and the power she had. Though a lot of BPD's actions can be put down to their illness, I still believe they know exactly what they're doing a lot of the time.

All you can do is to give him no further cause to doubt you and try to build up his trust again - which is still not a guarantee as he can see things which aren't there and interpret your every innocent action as something bad. His BPD would have shown up whether you did anything to him or not, it's just the nature of the condition.

Best wishes