BPDFamily.com

Not sure how to respond to my partner with BPD. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style meaning I hate conflict. He gets mad because I won’t go back to conversations and put conversations off although I have gotten better because I know he needs a resolution. Everything I have read has said basically we don’t engage, we don’t argue, we don’t defend, etc. So when I take that stance, how do I keep from feeling as though I am avoiding the issue or being told that I am avoiding the issue because I “always walk away”.

Something to know is your pwBPD may not accept your discusion as over unless you verify their versio of events whether or not that is the reality. They may demand you go round and round and apologise and accept all blame whether or not that is the truth. it is not always a mystery why we do not want to get unto these conversations with our loved ones and try to avoid them.

I have the same Avoidant/BPD dynamic in my marriage.  I have to understand that my wife will always see me, and only me, as the problem (unless and until she gets the professional help she needs). In the meantime, there are ways to find boundaries that can help meet both of your needs.  There are good books out there that talk about this. I'm thinking of the one by Abby Medcalf,  but can't remember the title offhand.

Thanks for the response! Met with my therapist and she recommended the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Read it years ago but don’t remember much. I did find a group on Facebook called The Avoidant Haven: Dismissive & Fearful Safe Space that has been very helpful.