BPDFamily.com

 :hi:
I always dread the holidays. I'm the eldest child and only daughter of a mom with BPD. She is emotionally erratic this time of year, expects me to do a lot of the holiday prep for family gatherings while she rages and complains. She is in her mid-80s. I'm in my 60s. Her weakness and mobility issues mean I feel obligated to help. I'm sad that holidays are times of dread instead of joy.

You are not alone in having an elderly mother with BPD who makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays. It is especially difficult to be the only daughter of a mother with BPD. You will soon hear from others on this site who are very familiar with a situation like yours. My mother with BPD is deceased.

You aren't alone with this. This is a common longing. My BPD mother is also deceased.

BPD behaviors can increase during stressful times. Holiday prep can be stressful even to people without a personality disorder. If we were having company, my BPD mother was very stressed and her behaviors increased.

It was common for her to delegate tasks to other people to do for her and for me, that also included food prep. But due to her projecting her emotions and distress- she would be critical and rage over even small errors. Even if all went well, she'd act as if something wasn't right.

One thing I needed to learn is that this is her projecting her own stress and emotions and not personal to me. It also helped to anticipate the situation. Self care is important in these situations. Think of ways you can take some care for yourself during these times. Can you take a short walk during a break, do some food prep ahead of time at your house alone, delegate a task by ordering some of the sides (many restaurants do family style take out during the holidays- it may be worth the extra cost to ease the task on you)

Hi, I related to your post, especially to the feeling of responsibility and feeling trapped.
I'm also the oldest and only daughter of a mother who I suspect has bpd - she fits the profile, and my dad fits the enabler profile perfectly.
Christmas was always a huge deal at our lavishly decorated home. There was a strict hierarchy of Christmas tree ornaments from 'good' to 'not so good' (the ones we kids made), and we knew exactly where they were supposed to be hung on the tree (homemade ones on the back, near the bottom). This unspoken rule was only obvious to me when a college boyfriend came to help decorate the tree - he was insulted that my Mom moved all the ornaments he placed to their 'correct' position - he told me he'd never heard of ranking ornaments! I thought it was perfectly sensible and everyone did it!
Every Christmas Eve there would be a breakdown: "No one in this family helps me do a thing!" "How did I get to have such lazy kids!" "Christmas is CANCELLED!!!" We would ask what to do and she'd yell "JUST HELP!"
I remember wising up in college and asking for specific instructions - that got vitriol thrown at me, too, but going forward, with my own kids, I try to be very specific about what I need help with, and to watch my stress levels - so much of learning about parenting for me has been 'what not to do'.
Strangely -- I don't need that much help! I have one less child than my Mom; also, my standards for food and decorations are not as high as hers!
I moved overseas in my early twenties. I was able to come back to the USA a few times for Christmas. My kids protected me from a lot of 'the wrath' and it's probably fair anyways to expect some stress and yelling when a family of five descends on your house for two weeks over the holidays - although babies were not welcome - the decorations were too breakable and "they have to learn "NO"- don't touch!"
I asked my parents to spend Christmas with us overseas a few times, but Mom explained, "Christmas means too much to me to spend anywhere else but in my own home."
Now my kids are also grown up, and I haven't been back to the USA for Christmas for over twenty years.
I have two brothers that live locally to my parents and have always spent Christmas with them. This year, one brother is taking a holiday with his family beginning Dec. 23, and the other brother has to work on Christmas Day.
My parents are in their late 80s and (relatively) hale and hearty but this is going to be hard for them -- of course, because of the rigid thinking of having to do things ON CHRISTMAS - not the week before, or after. There is incredible longevity in our family, so I'm not necessarily thinking, "This is their last Christmas!" but it does feel bold (?) of my brothers to make other plans for the first time ever. I am watching at a distance... my own kids are coming to our house for Christmas so I won't be flying to the US although it feels like I should.
Don't know exactly how this is a reply to the original post, just 'dread' and 'holidays' resonated with me... I have purposely tried to be flexible in celebrating the holidays, inviting different constellations of people, being guests some years, hosting others - my husband and I even spent Christmas on our own in another country one year! A lot of what I do is in reaction to what my Mom prizes  - unwavering tradition and rituals -
I'm waiting for the PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) to really hit the fan when her family Christmas does not resemble all the previous years'- my parens have many friends and relatives, they will be invited everywhere, but I feel scared about the inevitable crying phone call, "What did I do to deserve this, I only ever tried to make Christmas nice for you kids and this is how I'm repaid."