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I’ve been struggling lately with how easily simple household tasks can turn into sources of stress or conflict. Even everyday things—like doing the dishes, managing schedules, or taking care of clothes—sometimes feel more overwhelming than they should.

I’m trying to figure out where the line is between being supportive and taking on too much. When I try to set boundaries, I worry it will be taken the wrong way or lead to tension. At the same time, not having boundaries leaves me feeling exhausted and stretched too thin.

Has anyone found healthy ways to talk about household responsibilities without escalating things?
How do you set limits while still keeping the relationship calm, safe, and respectful?

I’d really appreciate any guidance, personal experiences, or communication strategies that have helped others.

Hi there,

I've sometimes felt the same way, being overwhelmed by household chores, and having arguments erupt over who is responsible for what chore, how to do it and when to do it.  I've also felt that sometimes I carry more of the burden than I probably should.  Sometimes I've encountered "weaponized incompetence," when a spouse or other family member seemingly deliberately ignores a chore, or does it so ineptly that I feel compelled to do it for them, rather than risk a meltdown by nagging.  These are probably common issues in all households, but when BPD traits are in the mix, emotions run sky high.  Sometimes I've resorted to doing chores when my spouse isn't around, just to avoid provoking a lashing out.  You see, when I'm doing chores, typically my spouse is reminded of HIS chores, he'll feel guilty for procrastinating and then he'll lash out in anger (Stop cleaning, I need to relax, All you do is clean, Stop it right now).  So instead of getting thanks for completing chores, I'm subjected to petulant criticism or bossing around.

On the other hand, I think there's such a thing as dirt blindness, and my spouse is afflicted.  Whereas he likes things to be neat and tidy, he doesn't care about stains, dust or dirt.  I'm sort of the opposite:  I can handle a little messiness, but I can't stand uncleanliness or dust (I'm allergic).  So I guess our solution has been to divide and conquer according to strengths and preferences:  my husband will take care of picking up and garbage, but I do the cleaning and laundry.  He'll grill, I'll cook.  He does lights, thermostats, mail and locks, I do dishes and water plants.  He'll replace lightbulbs, I'll replace smoke alarm batteries.  He mows, I prune and pick up sticks and leaves.  He does all things automotive, I paint and make small household repairs.

Anyway, when I was feeling totally overwhelmed by domestic chores, I found that a good solution was to outsource certain tasks.  Over the years I've hired landscapers, home cleaners, snow plow guys and handymen.  I feel it's definitely worth the money.  Typically my approach is to establish how much my time is worth, let's say $100 an hour as an example.  Then I'll compare my implicit wage (and my skill level) with the cost of hiring a professional to help with some chores.  More often than not, the professional turns out to be a bargain.  I have more bandwidth to focus on my professional work, and I enjoy my leisure time much more.  I think the key is to assign a value to your own time, which is straightforward if you have a salary.  Of course, this approach needs to fit within a budget.  But I find that getting help with chores can be worth as much as a vacation, in both dollar terms and quality of life.

Now that I'm retired, I have fewer time constraints and probably do more chores than I did when I was full-time employed.  For example, I just spent a couple hours with my spouse this morning installing some overhead light fixtures.  That was a team effort, and to minimize stress, I made sure to "pick the right day" to tackle the task.  We agreed on the time beforehand (early morning when energy is highest, and no conflicting appointments to rush us), which set the tone for a mutual commitment, minimizing arguments (I don't want to do this right now!).  In addition, I made sure to "set the scene" by assembling tools, equipment and materials, and prepping everything ahead of time.  The installation went about as smoothly as could be expected.  I guess my point is, I'm a big believer in "picking the right time" for certain tasks, together if at all possible.  If tasks are routine, then establishing a set time every day, week or month can be helpful.  I think pwBPD are sensitive to stress, so having a predictable routine can help reduce stress, surprises and arguments.