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BPD family

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221634.0#:~:text=It's%20not%20based%20on%20our,more%20of%20a%20physical%20escape.

Pw: Serenity25!

My partner of 12 years with UNTREATED BPD, alcoholic and chemical addict, sex addict, spending addict has abandoned me 2 months ago.

I’m s truggling emotionally deeply. I go to therapy, practice yoga, run my business, take care of my daughter, trying to rebuilt friendships I abandoned. I cry and overthink events that led to abandonment.

We have been together for 12 years
He has been in AA and treatment for anxiety and depression and was able to be sober (no alcohol)  for 5 years (2017-2021) and he started smoking marijuana for pain management in 2021 which turns into full blown marijuana addiction quickly. He denied it being an addition.
 
I have experienced a 12 year long love bombing. We both avoided dealing and with his issues altogether, only occasionally touching on them.  He decided that he is free from it all and stopped going to therapy during the time when he was doing well professionally. He stopped going to AA meeting and decided they were a scam and a cults.

During his sober years his sex addiction slowed down but  and spending addiction spiked. He started back on marijuana after receiving steroid treatment for neck pain and later  planne spinal surgery to address his pain in the neck and arms, and later after 2 knew surgeries resulted from motorcycle accidents.

He had 1 hospitalization for mental breakdown in 2017 and I believe we avoided talking about it. He asked me to ale him to psychiatric emergency in 2019 but was not admitted.

I grew up with bipolar mother and I thought of mental illness as any other one - personal business of the person suffering and saw my role as loving and supporting partner, just like my father was to my mother. It was not discussed in our family or with me. I left my parent home at 19 and we became estranged.

I developed codependency in relationship my partner. I didn’t  have fears of abandonment and had absolute trust in  security of our relationship.

He worshiped me, I was the woman of his dreams love of his life. He had hard time when my emotions would  turn dark - when I cried from work stress, realization that our finches are out of control, just k talked about difficulties life. He experiences it as a personal attack and would withdraw. Sometimes he would listen but would grow very tired very quickly. We talked about his drama with work, friends, search for personal and identity, search for professional identity  most of the time.

 Two times we discussed finances it became uncomfortable and we had to stop - his reaction to normal question were extremely emotional, he felt under attack.
I slowly stopped asking questions and just let him be.

I didn’t realize he was a sex addict. I was excited to be with someone who has high libido after my first loveless marriage.

But eventually it became a source of contact frustration for him. Never satisfied with quantity of sex, masturbating till his penis was deformed, getting colon infection he almost died from which I attribute to his use of toys for anal self stimulation. The doctor at the emergency room who treated him for colon infection specifically asked me if there was a possibility he engages in homosexual activity. I said no and then I found sizable plastic dildos, not small normal butt plugs under his side of the bed.

He had massive porn addiction. He would angry when my daughter was home after I left for work because he couldn’t have time alone to himself to masturbate. He would have tantrums if he couldn’t climax. He started taking viagra as a daily supplement to make sure he is always ready even thought he didn’t have erection problems.

I swept it all under a rug. I avoided looking the problem in the eye. I understand I became confused about the difference between having an open mind, being sexually very active, being able to deal with ambiguity and not having boundaries. I played along - I loved being adored, being wanted. I loved the excitment. There wa lots of fun beautiful sides to our life - I felt that it had a happy life with some issues, like who doesn’t have them.

The end started in spring of this year
He was laid off from his job in April.
We opened a small restaurant together in May - we have been working on it together for a while after his and mine main jobs.

We opened the restaurant within a month.
He was the only employee as planned for the first 4-5 months with very limited hours.

Things immediately started deteriorating. He use excessive use of marijuana  because a problem at work. He became impulsive at a work. Could not be consistent and it affected us immediately in business. This time I was more demanding in terms of professional boundaries - asking to stop smoking at work, showing up on schedule, having production list (all standard), start working on training manual or let me do it and review together.

He resisted everything. He complained  that I turned into a boss, not his wife. Demanded separation of these functions. Complained that he gets no respect, not treated with dignity. I turned to a male friend for moral support - he is in recovery for 20 years and familier with AA. My partner was furious jealous, suspected that I was cheating, demanded I stoped talking to my friend.

I started stepping back knowing that things are off. Asked him to go to AA, asked him to call the therapist he fired years ago. He first agree to cut down of marijuana but within days started drinking. Relapsed After 7 years of sobriety (no alcohol, but weed only). Immediate got sick from drinking. And after 2 weeks he fled. I saw it on restaurant cameras - he finished his shift and walked out with a suitcase and a guitar.

I received an email after two days where he told me he decided to end the relationship and a list of admin issues (coned, Verizon, etc.) I begged and begged and sent me a second email telling me that though he loves me the chaos of the relationship made it clear we can’t fix it together. And that he will not discuss possibility of the future until establish extended period or recovery.
Both emails were written by Gemini (google AI). He blocked me after that and has not communicated.

He did unblock- I sent a few texts regarding him getting his possessions. He read them, picked up his possession while I wasn’t there. Silent treatment.

I have found out within days after he left that he moved in with another woman. I saw he credit card statement and he is on a massive spending sprees A Reataurants, shopping.

I’m exhibiting all classic signs of a person who developed codependency and now going through withdrawal from abandonment. I’m crying daily and obsessively thinking about him.

I’m only now starting to learn about what happened to me. How I was able to tolerate it all without raising questions. And how to now deal with new reality and recover and find happiness and trust again.

I’m learning to use serenity prayer to stop the compulsive obsessive thinking. I know there is a road ahead. I don’t have hope yet that my broken self can rebuild.
I’m 47. I have a good health. I’m fit , and overall always thought of myself as a functional, stable person. But now I’m questioning it all.