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Hi  I am planning a long overdue visit to my hometown to see my very ill grandmother.  I am bringing two of my three k8ds (third refuses to visit BPD relatives )  my mum is bpf and my sister is BPD   Here is my dilemma: both of them want us to stay with them and bot00pp00get very easily offended.   I have tried to stay in hotels in the past but both take it as a sign of my insensitivity and betrayal.   Should I split visit between the Two?  

Hey there,
Hmm, that sounds like a really difficult situation... .How do your mom and sister act around your children? Is their behavior negative or do they try pull it together at least for the childrens' sake?

From what you wrote, it seems like at least one of your children has picked up on BPD behavior in the family... .so the other two probably are sensing it as well.

I don't think there is a "perfect" way to do this. If you stay with them, you run the risk of their negativity spilling over and hurting you and your children. Just my personal opinion... .I would get a hotel. I'd say something to the effect of "Oh you know, I don't want to cause a mess and all with bringing the kids, but thank you so much! I look forward to spending time with you all!" I'd try to be charming and upbeat while saying this, so it takes the sting out of things. But again, that's just my personal opinion.
You will ultimately know what is best.

Good luck.

Hi Zabava, 

I haven't had a chance to welcome you to the board yet, so please consider this a welcome!

This is definitely a challenge for any parent with children as you consider going back 'home' to visit. The children can help to be a distraction or a buffer, and I wonder if you feel that will help to dispel some of the tension? Of course you will need to watch out for them first of all. How long do you plan to stay? What would you consider a safe time that may not enter into the drama time?

One thing my T has told me over and over when I think of going to visit my uBPDm's home (she passed away a few years ago): you don't ever have to go back there again. My step dad earnestly wants me to stay with him, yet the entire house is still decorated and filled with my mom's presence, and it is very difficult for me to go there. I have chosen to stay a couple of times, but under this rule: I stay outside nearly the entire time. Since they live in a warm climate, it is fine. I also plan on excursions to keep me occupied away from the home. Are there side trips you can plan for the kids sake such as a tourist activity? You could fit that in and even add in driving time as time to be away. If your mom and sister want to come along, please have them drive separately so that you are not trapped in the car with them for those 'talks' which inevitably come about.  For me, I also had to be careful of the late nights when my uBPDm wanted to talk. I would get trapped in obligation and listen and listen as she talked and talked and always headed into blame... .I imagine you know how that goes.

How old are your children? What have you told them about grandma and their aunt? I opted to not say much and let them make up their own minds about grandma, but I was always there to watch out for them and their safety. Are your family members likely to show their BPD behavior around your children?

You can plan in those visits with your grandma without taking your mom and sis along, and perhaps you can add in a visit to a place your children would enjoy, without sharing the extra stop information with your mom and sis. Boundaries are the key here. They will be for you, and not for those who wish for you to not set them. Plan ahead as much as possible (which you are doing!  |iiii) and that can help a whole lot!  :)

 
Wools