BPDFamily.com

After a split me and husband are trying again. This really is make or break and I don't expect it to be easy or for everything to change overnight, but things just can't go back to the way they were. The issue I'm having at mo is my bpd husband is waiting for more therapy and lowered his meds by a lot. I have put some boundaries in place to protect both myself and our son, BUT his family constantly make me and son out to be the villains and husband the victim. I see no point in arguing as drama is the end result they want but it's almost undoing any of the work and behaviour changes we're trying to make.

It's a constant battle of, why are u trying to change him, maybe u need to change. Everything I'm trying not told tolerate anymore, they make our to be normal. It's a complete dysfunctional family, most of them with multiple partners under the same roof all competing for attention, and everything is flipped on its head and they are always the victims. They do the most cruel, heartless and abusive things to their partners, then all black each other up and claim that they're the ones being mistreated, and I'm pretty sure they actually believe it too. They're a close family so I don't want to come between them, just don't want this to ruin our last shot. Any ideas?

Family dynamics can be intergenerational. When a child grows up in a family with dysfunction- it's the "normal" they know. They, then may repeat these patterns as an adult. While you may see the dysfunction in your H's family- they may have grown up in this too- and don't see it themselves. Other family members might not have BPD themselves but have learned behaviors. It's also not only in families where someone has BPD. Changing this pattern may require someone going to therapy and learning new behaviors if they are able to do that.

One common pattern is Karpman triangle dynamics. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Another is where there's a person with a disorder, or addiction, and other family members are enablers. People who are enabling the person assume they are helping them but they may also be enabling the person's disorder.

I think you are correct about not wanting to rock the boat in this close family as you would be seen as the one being disruptive. My BPD mother's family would rally to her side rather than to consider other possibilities.

We can't change another person, and this also extends to other family members too. It's understandable that you are concerned this situation may interfere with your H's working on himself. For someone to do this work, they, themselves, need to be motivated to do it. So, family or not, this is his work to do. So while his family may be an issue in him doing this- your H is the one who is responsible for his own therapy. There are two sides to this- while it may appear his family is ruining the last shot- he also is a part of this- they aren't to blame entirely. Just like he's a part of the situation- so are they and they will continue to be his family. I hope for all of you that he does the work but it will ultimately be up to him.