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I was back in 'her' city over the weekend after being broken up for 18 months (jeez, that flew).

It feels wrong... still thinking about this.

I feel like I've been doing brilliantly, and even being back in the city again was fine.

I visited friends, saw family etc...

Then I saw a friend that she introduced me to.

The guy is a therapist, and I've deliberately never spoken to him about what actually happened.

This time, he sort of casually asked me - and made it clear that he didn't really know the girl any more, and that he was just interested.

I shared some things with him - not everything - and he said that he thought I was probably better off out of the situation.

The more I was there, the more I felt stirred up.

It's a very 'settled' city - lots of married couples and settled people; and it has a strong Christian ethos.

I feel like I'm still trying to get my sh** together in a huge, global-sized city where I share with four other flat mates. I'm 36.

She has a car, a house of her own (well - paid for by her parents), a professional job, and is getting married soon (I know from mutual people).

I'd absolutely love to have her life... which is ridiculous; because I've been in a relationship with her and I know that when the front door closes, she seems to 'switch'.

I never felt respected by her, she pushed on my boundaries routinely, I was her fp and that was really tough (feeling like someone's saviour is just never a good thing).

When we broke up the first time, she spent all week texting me - demanding that I text her back too; but then told me that she'd been on two other dates that week.

When I saw her with another guy later down the line (after we'd broken up again for two months, but had kept in touch); she said that she 'wouldn't talk to me out of respect for him'.

Which sounds mature, but she never respected me - and that last comment of hers hurt so much that I just had to cut contact.

It was then that her partner called to threaten me, and tell me to back off (of course - I actually HAD backed off - most of the contact was coming from her at that point).

The thing is - our mutual friend (the therapist that I met) told me that if I'd seen her in Uni; I'd have been shocked. Apparently she was non-functional then, and he commended her for working on herself so much.

And that's one of the things that *I* admired too.

It makes me feel like she's pulled her life together, and as though I'm just... kind of... a total loser.

I have about eight hours of paid teaching work (I'm a self-employed artist); and I've just finished training to be a therapist myself - but I have 80 or so unpaid hours to do before I can practice.

I have two potential Master's degrees on the horizon...

I really REALLY feel like I can pull life together in the next 2-3 years... it's just so hard right now.

I'm struggling.