BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I went through a pretty brutal discard around 4 months ago. I unfollowed them, downloaded all the pictures on my phone to a harddrive I don't even remember where it is. However I still have some gifts that she gave me and that I gave her. They're in a box. I just can't move on. I want to so much already. I think I can't kill the fantasy in my head of what once was. It's shocking to me with the brutality I was discarded. Just cold, gone, over text. No coming back.

A part of me wants to burn all the things because of anger. I made a sketchbook for her with we both added to. I have a postcard from her. Some other details. Also a bracelet that she made for me and I wore it all the time. It's just, I can't take all of our memories and in my heart combine it with how she broke up with me. Just in general how she treated me.

I'm not sure what the best move for myself is. When I want to get rid of the things the first thought that comes into my head "Damn so it was all a lie?". I think that's what is holding me back. I just can't accept that it was all essentially a lie. All of it. The good and the bad. It was all just dysfunction. I don't know if they truly loved me like anyone else would.

It was all "JUST" a trauma bond. It was all "JUST" a lie my brain came up with. I know they didn't mean it, they have a mental illness. However right now, their perspective is I'm gone and gone forever. Honestly I don't even want them back truly. I wouldn't accept a charm or anything. I was treated way too wrong for all the effort I put in.

Anyone else have any advice on how to detach? I want to be moved on from her. That fantasy was never real. It was just fake. All of this was fake. I care for her, but I don't know if I love her anymore.

4 months isn’t a long time after a breakup with a borderline.
It’s the up and down nature of the relationship that makes it hard to detach, that creates the trauma bond.

I’ve read a few of your threads, and you seem to be quite positive at times, then you let it get to you. This is fairly normal, at least that is how I felt too, and to be honest there are the odd days now and then when I ruminate, try and figure out why it went wrong, but over time those days get less and less.

At times you are probably wondering how you can see a way forward. People tell you that time is a great healer and you think that isn’t true and you will never heal, but it does get easier.

What works for me, is getting out and socialising. Taking up new hobbies, restarting old hobbies. Meeting up with friends and family. Working hard. If I think about my wife now I generally try and look at the negative side of the relationship and how my life is better without her. Flip the script. I spent far too long with the victim mindset but that has now shifted, I now see her as the victim because she is just running away from herself. I see her current boyfriend as the victim because I know how she has treated him, and how she will continue to treat him, not that he is a particularly nice person.

When you are ready, you will be open to a new relationship and if it is with someone mentally stable you will see that your ex has done you a favour. Don’t rush into a new relationship though. If you meet someone you like, get to know them. A relationship with a mentally stable person will seem alien at first, if all you have experienced is a relationship with a borderline. The trauma bond kind of conditions you to the drama, so it takes a while for the brain to adjust to the relative stability of a healthy relationship.

My marriage ended 2 years ago. After a couple of months I went to a local social club (a UK thing, a sort of working man’s bar) with a friend of mine. The lady behind the bar and I hit it off pretty much immediately. We actually went to school together but she didn’t really remember me from school. After a couple of months it was kind of obvious to us both that something was going to happen, but we didn’t act on it as it was far too soon as I had just come out of a 27 year relationship. It wasn’t until 14 months after meeting her that I felt ready enough to start a relationship with her, but we both knew for about a year that we would eventually be together. We have now been together for 9 months and have not had one argument. She treats me with respect, and we are both extremely happy. I can talk to her if I have any concerns or any boundaries and there is no drama. She appreciates everything I do for her, even making her a cup of tea is met with genuine thanks, and she is the loveliest, kindest person I know that has always got a smile on her face, and everyone really likes her. My eldest son said to me after meeting her for the first time she is a better person than his own mother, and my youngest thinks she is really nice too, and I just know she isn’t going to be slagging them off behind my back like their mum does about her boyfriends kids. She is very attractive too which is a bonus.

I too care for my ex. She is the mother of my children after all. But time does heal my friend, even if you can’t see that at the moment, but you will hopefully get to the point where you see that she has done you a favour.