BPDFamily.com

Hello all, just joined, and it's been over two months since I left. I've been seeing a therapist, which has helped me. Still, towards the end of the relationship, I decided to look into the behaviors, and many of my Google searches led me to this website, which helped me understand what was going on. I believe he has undiagnosed BPD, and talking to my therapist, who also agreed, and also mentioned they had narcissistic traits and antisocial behaviors, besides all of the lies, using sex as more of a reward system or a weapon, pushing boundaries constantly, manipulation, gaslighting, and signs of cheating. He also showed odd behaviors, like when he was upset at me, he would pull hair off his body, and his facial expressions showed pain when he did it, because he knew this was a feature that attracted me to him, as if he was hurting himself to hurt me emotionally. And there were patterns. Whenever he was upset or mad, he would talk about poisoning me, jokes about murdering me, and burying my body, and how to do it so no one would find it.

Of course, I feel so stupid (I know I'm not supposed to) for dealing with this behavior and trying to help him. I ask myself now why I never left earlier, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. he would get worse. My therapist said I developed a trauma bond, which makes it incredibly difficult to leave even when it is an emotionally abusive relationship. I really am trying my best to move on, but I continue to ruminate on this entire relationship. I've been through breakups before and have never felt or dealt with anything like this. I thought it might be helpful to talk to other people who know exactly what it was like, because most people who haven't experienced it don't honestly know the emotional roller coaster it can be. So much went on, but these were the significant things that have disturbed me. Thank you for reading, and any replies that come with it.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I completely agree with you, people here can understand in a way that the outside world can't comprehend without being in our shoes.  It's a tough relationship to be in, and an even tougher relationship to move on from.

For me, my ex-wife of 24 years left out of nowhere and I had no clue what was happening.  I was numb to the passive aggressive abuse after so many years of it, and I had no idea how dysfunctional our marriage was.  I just kept showing up and kept trying because that's what you're supposed to do.  He leaving broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken.

As time passes though, you'll reach different stages and a different understanding each time.  I am now so thankful that she left because I understand the 'why' so clearly, and it's not anything complicated or difficult as our minds try to make it seem.  The simple answer is that she was mentally ill, unstable, depressed out of her mind, and she did the only thing that made sense for her to temporarily escape all of that.

Like you, I felt foolish for a time...how did I not know?  Our daughter was diagnosed BPD/bipolar, so it should have been so obvious.  But everything presented differently between the two of them, they were almost complete opposites.  Where my kid would scream, my ex would get silent and distant.  There's no way I could have known and even if I did, I still would have stayed and tried to make it work.

Why am I sharing all this?  To help you understand that you deserve grace.  None of this is your fault, not directly anyway.  You made mistakes just like all of us, but relationships forgive and move forward.  BPDs don't do that though; they hold grudges and keep scores all in silence, thinking you're a monster while you're doing everything for them.

Three years later, I am thrilled that I'm no longer in that position and I can clearly understand that mental illness was bigger than our love.  I did what I could and failed...and that's okay.  Life moves on and eventually it will for you as well.

Again, so glad you found us and finally posted!

Pook, I am interested to know, as you have an ex partner and a daughter that both bpd (not sure if your wife is diagnosed?)
Interesting to say they are like complete opposites of the spectrum, but are there certain traits and behaviours, specific things that they do, that are common with them both?

In many ways, they ae exactly the same.  If they get mad, fists are flying.  But my wife hadn't been mad in decades.  Instead, she'd get super depressed and shut down completely.  They call it unconventional BPD, which is actually about 6x more common (and rarely diagnosed correctly).

My kid, on the other hand, is traditional BPD and ready to explode at a moment's notice.  Her emotions are everywhere, all at once, and she screams, cuts herself, threatens, manipulates, etc.  She's worked hard in therapy for years now and has made major strides, so our relationship is very good.  But she still has bad days and they tend to be really, really bad.

What made me think BPD for my wife was actually my kid.  Towards the end, my wife would lose it and start throwing fists.  My daughter wouldn't want to punch mom (she'd punch anyone else) so I'd have to rescue her.  And I'd think, what the heck?  Why are you attacking our daughter?  There was always good reason since my kid was unhinged and highly manipulative, but still...you don't punch and wrestle teenagers, LOL.

Ultimately, they were exactly the same though.  One would scream, the other would suffer in silence while hiding her pain from everyone.  During the breakup and the divorce, I saw the traditional side of BPD that was hidden so well for decades in my wife.  And then I remembered back to when we first married; the insane fights, the push/pull, her punching me, the endless arguments about nothing, etc. 

I thought holy bleep, it's been there all along and I completely missed it.

Some here say their partner/relative is just really high functioning...but I'd guess that's not true.  They just really suffer internally and hide it from the entire world, until it all explodes in a blaze of glory.  So nobody really knows or understands how much they're suffering.  My ex is diagnosed major depressive disorder, but our family physician told me that it's almost certainly BPD.  I don't know if she ever told my ex that or not.

May I add my welcome too. We've all been through this and it is truly heartbreaking - and utterly impossible to explain to those who've never experienced it. Please try to avoid feeling guilt, as it drains you both physically and mentally. You did your best and nobody can do more. You're the only one who can take care of your own welfare so prioritise yourself.

With a BPD partner you're playing a game where you have codes of conduct, rules and logic. Your partner has none of these and everything in their own mind is always 'the truth' and they are 'the victim'. It's a battle where you can - at best - only hope for a temporary cease-fire but you will never win the war.

I'll post again the 'Three C's'.. you didn't Cause their BPD, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Go easy on yourself.

I'd echo what Under the Bridge said about going easy on yourself. 

It takes time to get to know someone to begin with, and sometimes even longer to figure out what's going on when a behavioral disorder is present.  And if you're not familiar with them (and it's not something we're taught about growing up!), it's even harder to come to the right conclusion about which end is up, and whether you're in a true relationship, or just caretaking someone. 

You did the right thing in the long run, and that's what matters. 

And I suppose there's a correct amount of introspection you should engage in, but don't go overboard.  Remember that the pwBPD's problems were in their head, and existent before they even met you.  It's not something you did or said that triggered them, and you could not have avoided them by behaving differently. 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that you may have played a role in keeping an unhealthy relationship going for longer than it should have.  But learn from it and move on; don't get down on yourself, or on the potential for finding another partner at some point. 

If you could explain why you feel stupid? Is it because you think others would judge you that way or is it how you truly feel? Kinda curious about that part to see if maybe we can perhaps change some perspective there.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thank you all for the kind words and support. I've stayed no contact for two months, and it's been helping, just learning more about myself, and the positive thing I have learned from this relationship is to love yourself more and stay firm with boundaries. I felt stupid at first (I don't feel this way anymore) because I kept ignoring my needs, my gut, and the red flags. And there has been a smear campaign, saying terrible things about me, which I heard recently, but it's proving to myself that this is who they are, and I know that I really have made the right decision. It's just been a whirlwind of emotions! You feel sorry for them, then it turns into righteous anger, and then you feel pity for them. But I keep telling myself this is a mental illness and there's nothing I can do. All I can do is heal and continue my life to the best of my ability. Overall, I am feeling better mentally and physically now that I have left, which is also a huge sign that it was clearly an unhealthy relationship, but it's funny you don't see it while you're in it. Haha.

You learned these lessons way sooner than I did, and you also learned them before you got in too deep.  Some of us get burned and keep touching the "hot plate" longer than we should.  you didn't. 

The way I see some of this, there's not a guide book you get when you turn 18 that tells you about BPD - or behavioral disorders generally.  They're particularly insidious because the people that have them learn by trial and error to hide them and to weasel their way deeper into the Nons' lives.  And so sometimes you have to experience them to really understand. 

When I first learned about BPD - on a very different message board - I remember some people chastising me for being "Mr. Nice Guy" for tolerating it for so long, and did so in a not very kind way.  I think that is unfair; pwBPD in some ways prey upon those of us who try to be good.  The ability to have a thick skin, tough hard times out, help others, be committed to their partners, etc. are all considered positive personal traits, but they also make us susceptible to people that have learned to take advantage of the naivete in others.  But that's all it is, and naivete is not a permanent personal trait.  You can lose it over time, and it sounds like you've lost yours ahead of schedule.