BPDFamily.com

Attempting to mention to my wife that I feel unable to communicate with her out of fear, seems to always end up with her getting angry with me and avoiding me for days. Any attempts at communication are met with anger. My grievance is usually overshadowed by the perceived attack and lately its becoming unbearable. It seems impossible for me to express feeling hurt by her without in turn being hurt by her. Lately I've been thinking more and more of leaving, because constantly being perceived as an aggressor when asking for an acknowledgement of her past actions is becoming unbearable.
She's recently started therapy, so this pattern continues with an added bonus of "We can't talk about X, because I will dysregulate" or "Bringing up the past isn't conducive to solving the issue." These statements are accompanied by a general disdain and lack of empathy; seemingly used as a shield to deny my feelings. I really have no clue of what to do from here and just feel like I've been tricked into thinking she wasn't this person.

Firstly, has she been diagnosed? You say she has recently started therapy? does the therapist specialise in personality disorders?

How are you approaching the subject with her? Are you using “I feel” statements or are you saying “You do this and…” if the latter she might find offence and use defence the only way she knows how by getting angry….. fight or flight.

When you talk about past actions, is she still behaving in the same way that led to these past actions, and are they still happening. If not, there is something to be said for forgiving the past, moving on and forgetting about it, as keeping on ruminating about the past only keeps it and the problem in the present.

Hi @Orion_Thorne,

I see that Rowdy has already given you precious advice. But there is no guarantee that just the language will be enough. You might still frustrate yourself in the quest of expecting her accountability, because you may be only looking at her behavior and not into her internal reasons and triggers, which even she might not quite know what to say about and how to explain.

It's unfair and difficult to do what I'll say, but for that conversation to work, you'll have to be chronological: focus on what pushed her to the edge first, and why, before talking about how she reacted and only lastly about your own feelings. And you might take days to conclude the first stage (what pushed her to the edge and why), and there should be no pressure or hard expectation to finish the 3 stages.