BPDFamily.com

My sister has BPD and Bipolar Disorder, last year she attempted suicide at which point she asked me and my husband to take care of her daughter until she got well enough to take care of her on her own. The problem is, she's not getting well enough to do that and I just had to hire an attorney to start the process of taking her daughter away from her permanently. I'm struggling not to beat myself up about it but I dont know what else to do.

I think you are a hero. Taking care of your sister's daughter is heroic. Your sister is not going to like it, but I am sure you are doing the right thing. Do not expect any grace from your sister. You betrayed her in her eyes, but you know you did not. You will take care of her daughter as you would do for her too, I am sure.

We here in peer support are fans of strong appropriate boundaries.  They are lifesavers when people prone to acting-out (harming others even more than themselves) are inconsistent in their responsibilities... in this case, parenting her child.

Though you haven't elaborated on the reason for your firm stance, we can imagine that it's because you can't expend time, effort, resources and expenses to caring for her daughter only to see her repeatedly coming back into her child's life and upsetting everything you've done.  We understand the dilemma that presents for you.  But you have to do what you have to do, if only for your niece's welfare.

The problem is that BPD is a very serious mental dysfunction and recovery is not a sure thing.  The BPD traits such as Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting are bad enough but add in the predictably unpredictable swings in perceptions and moods and it is good basis to maintain firm boundaries.

We are confident that if - and a very big "if" it truly is - if your sister recovers sufficiently and proves herself stable at some future time, then you will adjust your legal boundary and decide how much to let her back into the child's life.  Children are minors and need adult protection.

I'm an adult daughter of a BPD mother. My parents remained married, my father provided for us. What went on in our home was a family secret. There was no way anyone would have intervened.

However, my father's sister, sometimes took us in during school breaks. She knew what was going on. The reason for the visit was to visit Dad's family but it meant more to us than anyone realized. It got us away from the issues at home. It gave us an example of "normal" and an emotionally healthy mother figure who loved us. These visits were wonderful times.

I thanked my aunt for all she did for me. Her reply "I wish I could have done more". What she did seemed small to her because, she did her usual "mom" things, but to me, it was huge. We had fun times, and there were also appropriate behavior expectations too. That was different from walking on eggshells, fearful of BPD mother moods.

I hope my story helps you to let go of any guilt or beating yourself up over this. Your sister will likely react as if you are doing something horrible to her. What you are doing is a making a difference for that child by giving her emotionally healthy parenting, and a stable home. Treat her like you would any other child- normally, because a "normal" loving home is what is best for her.