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My S/O is a male borderline we just had a baby 3 weeks ago. Everything was going great until 1 week ago when he began major splitting and devaluation triggered by issues with his Mom and an intense emotional outburst from my 8 yr old daughter when she got in trouble at school and then at home. He has ignored me for the past week, emotionally abusive texts all day long saying he hates me, Im evil, narcissist, ect also threatening to leave. This is common pattern for him and occurs every couple weeks varying in how long it lasts - sometimes days or weeks. Tonight he was crying which I never see and continues to ssay he is done. He is accusing me of keeping the baby from him when I havent he had ignored her and said he doesnt want to see her. What can I do to help him- Ive tried everything - supportive validating responses, acknowledging his feelings and sympathizing nothing is calming him down. Ive reassured him repeatedly that I love him, need him and can't live without him. He always threatens to leave but never does. Not even for a few days to get away he always comes back but then rants and ignores sleeping in another room for days. He always says he'll leave but he never has actually left. He is at a point where he is not hearing me at all and nothing I say is calming him. Hes been extremely verbally abusive Ive told him repeatedly I cant take this anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated- thanks so much- he is not in therapy and no meds

Lisa, I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially with a newborn.

When he’s in this state, reassurance often doesn’t land. Instead of explaining or calming, you might try gently asking a simple question and then listening, like:
What are you feeling so hurt or angry about right now? or
What does ‘being done’ mean to you in this moment?

Sometimes questions help him feel heard more than statements do.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.

I'm also going to break the rules here and say very clearly upfront that you must focus on yourself and the baby right now; the relationship is secondary.  You need rest, you need patience, you need physical and mental healing from just giving birth. 

You do not need this battle on top of all that, however, and he must understand that your primary job is not placating his ego right now.

Why does this happen?  BPDs feel fundamentally broken inside and they think, "If only I had this one thing, the world would be perfect."  Even when they get that one thing though, they're still mentally ill and can't understand why it didn't magically fix everything.  And there's a decent chance that he felt like the baby would be that magical solution.

Only, reality with a newborn looks a lot different...which you know from your first kid.  No sleep, no help, no family time, etc.  So he's suddenly feeling neglected and that stinks, but that's also the actual reality and you can't change that.

This is the time for boundaries, my friend, not pampering.  He must understand how impossible it is with a newborn at home and how much he's needed to contribute.  If he's incapable and it must be about him, then maybe letting him leave temporarily could actually help your relationship long term.  Now is definitely not the time for him to be mentally abusive and you must let him see that.  Block the texts if necessary; it must stop because life is about the baby right now.

I agree with how vulnerable I am at this time and how difficult it is to take care of an 8, 5 yr old and newborn AND deal with his emotional dysregulation. We've been together for 2 years- the splitting became more frequent towards the end of the pregnancy so it's beginning to take a tremendous toll on myself and my other children. I'm no longer able to tolerate is as well as I once did. I don't know what to do next - I'm thinking about going away for the weekend with all 3 kids out of town to stay at a hotel and do some fun activites BUT I'm not sure I have the energy to do that on my own AND I'm afraid about how he will respond to that- he's already threatening to find someone else or go to the same town we're going to but do his own thing and go out to bars and whatever. If he does that it will break me- I don't think I could cope with those emotions. He will NOT leave our house- when I have said "fine just leave" or "you need to leave then" he says "I will" but he never does. Or he'll say I will leave once I get a place, next weekend, ect...And yes he texts abusive messages repeatedly all day long - he'll say don't talk to me and then continues to text me. I understand the function of splitting, I know none of this is personal I just want it to STOP. That's the part I don't understand- when they are doing this what response will work to make them stop- ignoring them doesn't work because it signals abandonment, responding briefly with supportive texts or at least acknowledgement doesn't stop the emotional abuse it still continues. Eventually I get angry and say mean things back or defend myself and that just escalates it further. I don't know that me "leaving" or getting away for the weekend- not ending the relationship but just getting away from him would work- I think if I said it was just a break not ending relationship he would still think it meant the relationship is over no matter what I say. When he's like this he does not believe ANYTHING I say is true - especially the positive reassuring things. The outcome will be he will jump to someone else and I'll be left alone, exhausted, devastated and broken.

Unfortunately, there's not a "one size fits all" solution.  With the BPDs in my life though, I'll get quiet and speak barely above a whisper.  Then I'll make short "me statements" like, "I am exhausted, emotionally drained, and I need you to help me."

Maybe he turns it around and makes it about him.  Fine...ignore every single word and go back to your "me statement."  You just gave birth and it's incredibly hard- mentally and physically.  You are not okay.  Make that obvious to him. 

However, stop just short of judging him.  Don't say things like, "You're a bad partner or a bad father."  While it's true, that's pouring gas on the fire.  Instead, keep it 100% about you and the baby.

Finally, you're allowing him to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  You know that you can say no, right?  Like, get out of my house or I'm calling the police.  And he might say it's his house.  That's fine.  Let him explain that to the police why he's trying to kick out the mother of his week-old child.  That doesn't happen in the USA.

To recap, start with "me statements".  I'm not okay and I don't want to argue with you.  I need help and I'm asking you to stop. Can you understand what I'm asking?

If it goes south, make some space.  Tell him you're not breaking up, but you can't be around him if he's not going to respect some simple boundaries.  He might escalate, and that's when you leave and/or call the police.  Throughout all this, you keep going back to "me statements".  I need space to heal and take care of the baby, I can't argue with you.

For the outcome you mentioned, maybe that's where this is headed, maybe not.  But unless you change the narratives in this relationship, what do you really have?  This isn't a typical situation...you HAVE TO put yourself, the baby, and the kids 1st.

You're right, this is dysregulation and its super hard.  You still have to stand up for yourself though or things will continue to get progressively worse.

Well, the only rule that might be slightly broken here is that this is the bettering board. :(

Pook is right, your priority now is yourself and your precious baby.

Why do we write "you"?  Just think of the instructions just before an airplane flight starts... "In the even of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first before helping others."  That's precisely why you are a priority.  Your newborn needs you and depends utterly on you.

Though your S/O has in the past had cycles of acting out, there's likely additional triggers here.  (1) Your other children are a bit older and not so dependent on you.  (2) The relationship has changed, you are no longer just a mother but a mother of his child.  It's no longer a twosome but a threesome.  Those are just two of the potential triggers for him to act out.