BPDFamily.com

I just left my wife of 6 years who has had traits of BPD and NPD and am beginning the process of divorce.  I still love her and am struggling with a lot of grief over this, but I fully know that the relationship was extremely unhealthy and damaging to me and that both of us exhausted all attempts at improving it. Does anyone know of any online support groups for people recovering from abusive relationships due to BPD or NPD. 

Hi Jack -

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through and I’m also sorry to say, but the reality is that often we have to leave relationships with disordered partners while we still hold deep love for them.  You cannot love someone to wellness.

From what I know (which isn’t that much), the only online support group related to helping partners/former partners of people with BPD/NPD is this one.  The thing I also did that helped in my recovery was viewing a ton of You Tube videos by Dr Ramani.  She focuses largely on narcissistic behaviors, which applied to many of my ex’s traits, so her information was very helpful for me.  Each of the videos are pretty short, so I found them emotionally manageable during a very difficult period.

Journaling and “Progressive Muscle Relaxation” were also very helpful; and anything else to reduce anxiety.  I think it’s also important to remind yourself of the harm you are trying to keep yourself away from… I have a lifetime tendency to forgive and forget over and over and over… and I kept repeating to myself “I have to remember I feel like this.”  I’d say it out loud constantly every time he’d reach out or I felt a draw to respond.

I read your post about your wife’s physical abuse from August 2025.  And that is exactly what it was.  The circumstances do not matter.  Had you simply put up a hand to try and stop her and she called 911, it likely would have been you (the man) who was arrested.  And I am a very “liberal” woman saying this to you.  You have to protect yourself.

Please take care of your heart.  And speak here as often as you want or need someone to listen.

Warmly,
Gems

Dr. Ramani is very helpful, but so is David Demars (Demars Coaching) endless videos on BPD that really hit home, so specific to what we encounter with these people. I too have a problem with soft boundaries and forgiving people. Very hard habit to break.

Sorry to hear what you're going through, be assured you aren't alone. A lot of us here tried hard to make things work but, like yourself, eventually realised we couldn't make it happen.

As Gems has said, this is probably the best place to find support, learn and share experiences.. or just plain vent if it helps. Everyone listens and can relate totally. And it does help to write it all down, even just to 'get it out of your system'.

No matter how caring and loving we are to others, we also need to take care of ourselves, both physically and especially mentally, as a BPD relationship is probably the most stressful thing we'll ever encounter.

Best wishes

Thanks everyone for the support.  I can't seem to figure out how to reply to each of you individually for some reason, but I appreciate your advice/support Gems, Me88 and Under the Bridge.  Gems- what you said about not being able to love someone to wellness hit home.  It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved her (and she loved me) the relationship was extremely unhealthy, damaging, and unsustainable.  Lord knows my therapist tried to get that across to me!  For whatever reason it took until now for me to get the message and really do something about it.  Divorce is really scary for me (I'm soon to be 60 and widowed as well) and I just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone.  And I just retired.  So there's a ton of change to get used to.  But I know I made the right decision.  Thanks again.