BPDFamily.com

Hi y'all,
hope you guys are doing well!
Almost two years ago I broke up with my ex girlfriend for the 3rd time. We are not talking anymore since last year, I ended up focusing on myself but I'm thinking about her every single day.

We have been together since 2020 (long distance relationship) Immediately huge attraction and deep love from both of us. I was really happy. Then COVID and lockdown hit and I got sick and depressed. My business went downhill, huge stress. The next year more lockdown, more stress, more sickness. So I decided to move abroad. I also got really sick from the vaccine, so our relationship started falling apart mid 2021.

It took 1 and half more year for her to break up but it started when I moved abroad (she perceived as abandonment and at that time I had no idea since we talked about it before and she said she was ok) and because I was really sick (I'm still not recovered but doing better) and I started being always tired and dysfunctional mentally and physically (she never really understood that and was blaming me I don't know why).

1st time we broke up she felt remorse and after few months we got back together and she seemed really happy like me. But I was even sicker and after 2 months I was abroad she broke up again before going on holiday together.

We have been apart for 6 months, I started dating other girls and she went back briefly with an ex of many years before.

I reached out we had an argument, she blocked me, but then she texted me back and we got back together. We broke up after a few months again when I was abroad and this time was the most devastating and painful cuz she raged and blocked me everywhere (I think the real reason behind this was that she learned that I thought she has BPD and I was into studying how to manage it, calling me a manipulator)

After that she was still watching my stories on Instagram for about two months so I thought I should just wait for her. But then she stopped suddenly and I started worrying. So I sent her a letter with flowers and apologizes and with surprise I got a text from the new "boyfriend" (which she always said was her bestie) telling me to don't contact her.

I felt into huge depression for months. I just texted her once more time on Instagram to her other account and she blocked me after saying how happy she was with the new guy.

Last Christmas I was a mess, I bought her few gifts and I tried to put together a letter but I didn't send it. So I sent an email for her birthday (1 week later) and again the boyfriend texted me super angry. I realized that I should have done the same with him when he was sneaking around her but anyway I just told her I apologized and I wouldn't contact her anymore if she doesn't want to, and so I did till now.

Now apparently they might have broke up recently. She still follow him after she unfollowed but he doesn't.

So I thought it might be a good time to wish her Merry Christmas and remind her I still have something I got for her.

I know it sounds pathetic but this really breaked my heart.
I'm not even sure I would get back together, but just knowing she doesn't hate me anymore would make me feel better.
Now I grew up as a person, I worked on myself and I have a better understanding of what are my faults and what she is dealing with.

What do you think guys?
In case I reach out what's the best option?

1) long heartfelt letter
2) short Christmas wishes (letter or email) asking her if I can give the gifts
3) delivery of gifts + letter

Final note: this time of the year is kinda particular for us. Her birthday is Nye and it's the day we also first met each other. Also she kinda love/hate Christmas like I do. And we got back together before Christmas the 2nd time too.

Thank you so much for your support

Hello and thanks for sharing!

In my opinion, there's no right or wrong answer here. 

If you want to reach out, reach out...as long as you temper expectations.  She could hate you, or she could want to marry you.  We have no way to know so you have to be prepared for anything (including no response at all, which is sometimes the hardest thing).

For your options, I think #3 might be too bold if you just showed up out of nowhere.  Option #1 could work or it could backfire, depending on her mood that day.  That leaves option #2, which feels the safest and most respectful.

I hope that helps!

Hi Pook and thank you for taking the time to give me your advice.
I really appreciate it