BPDFamily.com

Hi, I'm in my first ever relationship with a person who has BPD and I'm doing my very best to be kind, understanding and patient but it doesn't seem quite enough. My partner is very reluctant to tell me what he needs and what I can do to help him prevent splits, and expects me to just know everything. I'm diagnosed with autism and personally struggle to do things without being told how and what to do. What can I do in this situation?

Hi @MaxUmbra , and welcome.

Usually the pwBPD will struggle to know what they really need and then complain about something else instead. They might also not want to share their conscious thoughts due to shame. So maybe you'll have to learn by trial and error rather than by asking him.

Just being understanding and patient may not work well because what they say is not the core issue, and they may spiral out of control by themselves within their own cycles of rumination. Trying to solve the superficial problem that they report using logic doesn't work either. To say something useful, you would have to understand the core issue beneath it, which could be, for instance, their unstable sense of self, or feelings of unworthiness, or shame, etc.

And they may not know how to name it. My wife is learning now that she struggles with a lot of identity disturbance, but when she is affected by that it's hard for her to figure that out.