BPDFamily.com

Hi!

I have a child with BPD. She is struggling terribly and I have no idea where to start or what to do first. She is 30 years old and is in a place where she’s agreed to let me help.

Please help!

Hi, Welcome. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling terribly. I'm sure you are hurting as well. It's hard to see our kids in pain. You are in the right place. I'm new as well. I'm confident someone who has experience here will answer you shortly. Reading others posts and responses help. As well as going to the Library and reading tools and skills. That is wonderful she is willing to accept help. Maybe you already have someone in mind? A DBT clinician can be helpful. Take care of yourself too, that's important.  Like we're told before a flight, take oxygen first and then make sure your child has their oxygen mask. Feel free to share as much as you need, this is a safe space.

Hi there,

It's tremendously difficult to see a loved one struggle and suffer.  Would you care to share more details about the situation?  Is your daughter living with you?  Does she blame you for everything?  Is she suicidal?  Has she tried therapy before?  Does she have a BPD diagnosis, and if so, how did she take it?  Is she working?  Is she in a relationship, or recently broken up?  Does she have any children?  Sorry for the barrage of questions, please share only what you're comfortable with.  Reading between the lines, I suspect she had some sort of crisis which makes her willing to consider getting some help.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who struggled for a long time.  When she got a BPD diagnosis, I hadn't heard of BPD before.  But once I read about it, her behavior began to make sense to me.  One of the first things I read about BPD is that it's treatable, which gave me some hope.  Thankfully, my stepdaughter concentrated on therapy and managed to turn her life around.  Though she still struggles, her life doesn't look as dysfunctional as it once did.

I think your daughter is extremely lucky to have you in her life.  You found this place, which offers wonderful resources and moral support.  Though your daughter is the one who needs to do the work of therapy to turn her life around, I think it's easier if she has the support of family, especially someone she trusts.  But to be in the position to provide that support, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.  You're no good to your daughter if you're a basket case of anxiety, stress, guilt, fear and financial ruin.  You see, many parents here operate in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds their judgment.  That's why you need to take care of yourself first, so that you have the energy and resources to help your daughter.  If you need therapy, get it.  If you need a break, take it.  I know it might go against your nature to prioritize your needs, but it's essential.  You want your daughter to be responsible and take care of herself, and get some help when she needs it, correct?  You need to do that too.  I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That means taking care of your body, mind and spirit, and not allowing others to treat you badly, either.

Anyway, when it comes to BPD, I think it's helpful to think in terms of baby steps.  Change is hard, esepcially when talking about a decade or more of ingrained behavioral habits.  Repairing fractured relationships takes time as well.  PwBPD often feel overwhelmed.  Thus small changes in small doses, one at a time, is the way to go in my opinion.  For my BPD stepdaughter, her number one focus for a time was therapy, and only therapy.  Then came small changes in daily habits, such as eating meals, regular sleeping hours and taking a shower every day.  Once the small changes became routine, she built some momentum for bigger ones.

Hope that helps a little.