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My 34 year old daughter with BPD has cut me and my husband off babysitting our grandchildren 3 times now because of perceived wrongs that she thinks we have perpetrated on her. The kids absolutely love their time with us and we love to be with them. They are only 4 and 2. Anyone else experience this?

Hi Sad Grandma,

Unfortunately yes I have had experience of this and Iam currently estranged from my 3 gc.

Unfortunately, it is common and kids/grandkids are used for manipulation often with BPDs.  It ultimately hurts everyone involved.

The goal here is to change your relationship with your daughter with loving yet clear boundaries.  It is a process and things may get worse before they get better.  However, as a parent you never stop teaching right from wrong.

Apologize for any hurt feelings and repeatedly show that you're on your kid's side.  Let her know you're an advocate, not an enemy.  But at the same time, don't take abusive behavior or demands for money/help if they're unreasonable.  While it feels loving to help, it can lead to enabling just as easily.  That's a line you have to draw in the sand between the two and again, it's so easy to get wrong.

For the short term, maybe that means not seeing the grandkids and that's terrible.  For the long-term though, you have to deal with your daughter head-on and take whatever temporary consequences she creates.

Hi!  I am VERY sorry you are going through this!  My daughter has BPD; can you believe it, my granddaughters' mother (no blood relation, long story) has BPD....through the past 8 years she has (I call it "dangling" like carrots" at least 5x a year....there is no rhyme or reason; I used to cry & beg, now I just wait it out....please feel free to reach out, again, I am so sorry :(

She has now made a false abuse allegation against my husband. We got a call from a social worker. Fortunately, she was a reasonable social worker who could see right away that this was baseless. But my husband now doesn't want to be in the same room with my daughter. That means we can't see our grandchildren. I think it is best to go no contact for a while, but I don't know how we can eventually resume contact with our grandchildren after this.

I WAS going to pursue, however, EACH time I get "close" it always pans out....there ARE programs to "grandparents" rights; I don't want to give any false hope; however, for MY case, the Mom (my case is a bit odd, only one of the grandkids are legally related to me, though, I love them all, I don't have much legal ground) is easily overwhelmed, she just had a new baby; her last threat lasted one day....I pray this all works out; I think BPD is a BEAST, however, it is just the worst when kids are used as pawns