BPDFamily.com

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for about 5 years now, this community helped me muster the courage to do it, so thanks.

Might go to court to get custody of our child. Anyone who has been through a custody trial here that can help me out? Answer some questions and give some advice?

Thanks

Quite a few of us have been through that wringer.  From what has been reported, most of our female ex's (and some male ex's) are overly attached to the children, unusually possessive and thus going back to family court to fix the court order is a challenge.  A few basics:

• Court is more like to act if the interests of the child are the focus.  Court is less concerned with the conflict between the parents.
• Courts expect bickering and assume both parents are at fault.  Try to show the difference, that you are proposing solutions, not the one fomenting divisive conflict and obstruction.
• Often the court will assume the child is used to the existing order.*
• Stick to documentation and provable facts.  Unsubstantiated claims will be viewed as "he said... she said..." hearsay and largely set aside.
• Courts generally ignore allegations older than six months, though perhaps may be acceptable to argue a pattern of behavior.
• Expect delays and continuances but try to move the case along.
• Be clear and concise.  Hearings are quite brief so focus on the most important issues first. **

* In my case, the court did make minimal changes each time back in court but was unwilling to order major adjustments.  My lawyer said it was because the court didn't want to shock the child.  My response was to say it was more shocking not to make substantial changes.  My temp orders started with my ex having temp custody and I had temp alternate weekends.  The final decree two years later was Shared Custody and equal time.  It took six more long years to get an order that worked... when I had both full custody (guardianship) and majority time.  Eight years in all to fix what was obvious within months of our separation.

** At one hearing I had prepared a list of all the issues, grouped by topic.  Only a few of the issues out of a dozen were even discussed before the hearing ended.  My mistake was I didn't list the more crucial issues first.

Glad you reached out again -- we're still here  *)

Can you remind us:

How old is your child?

What's the current parenting time schedule?

What's the current legal custody arrangement?

Do you already have a lawyer?

Any recent change(s) in circumstances?