BPDFamily.com

Hi. I'm pretty nervous to write this — it's all very new. I've been with my husband since we were 22 (for 20 years), and he's been emotionally abusive for nearly all of it. We've broken up twice because of his anger. I've never really understood how/why/but-really-WHY I kept coming back. During the last time we were separated, my mom died of alcoholism... I'm sure grief played a part in it. Anyway.

He recently received a threshold diagnosis of BPD (a score of 5 on the SCID). I am in my final year of graduate school to be a therapist (the irony) and am struggling to accept what this all means. I've been reading old journals and doing a lot of research into relationships in which one person has BPD... and while it's been somewhat validating (I'm not actually crazy, something he says often), I'm feeling pretty hopeless and frightened. We have a 3.5-year-old daughter. Since she was born, his outbursts have become increasingly frequent and increasingly violent (consistent, as my attention was necessarily diverted to taking care of the baby).

The most recent explosion was 2 weeks ago when he grabbed himself by the throat and punched himself repeatedly in the face, all while calling me a "dumb f***ing b****h" and telling me it was my fault, that I was doing it TO him. It's not the first time he's engaged in that kind of self-harm in front of me and blamed me for it. He has been physically aggressive with me as well. I've understood for at least 3 years that he was mentally unwell, and am struggling with my own beliefs about prioritizing loyalty v happiness v safety v emotional abandonment...

I just... I don't know. I don't even know the questions to ask, here. I'm looking for any lifeline of someone who understands how confusing and devastating this all is.

well, 'welcome'. Everything you wrote resonates. Self harm, that is somehow your doing? Makes sense right...the horrible curse word filled insults, yup.

The main thing here is you and your daughter's safety. If he was diagnosed at least it shows he's been seeing someone about the issue, but that doesn't mean he's going to change or your life will get better/safer. You need to worry about YOU; mental health, physical health, personal safety. Police intervention seems to be needed if these outbursts continue or even escalate. 20 years of abuse is horrible and you're trauma bonded. Strongly consider leaving this situation.

There could be several reasons why your spouse has raised the level of discord and abuse in the home.  One I can name is that previously there were just two of you.  Now the family's dynamic is a threesome and surely that change can be triggering.

One concern that you didn't quite mention is that if your husband were to harm himself, what if he were to claim you did it?  How would you be able to defend yourself to investigators, to document that it instead is "being framed for mischief"?  This is where the wisdom come in of preemptively - out of harm's way - sharing what goes on behind closed doors.

Hello and welcome to the family.  None of us knew what to ask when we first arrived because we were reeling, trying to understand, trying to figure out what we're doing in this type of relationship.  I (and hundreds of others) can completely relate to the feelings you're feeling at the moment.

Telling you what to do is easier though.

But first, a question.  Are you still living with him?  Or if you did separate, how long ago was that?

Also, since you posted in the "detaching" forum, you'll receive advice on leaving the relationship.  Is that what you want?

Right now, you and your child need time to heal.  That may or may not be possible with you in the middle of it all right now.  Rule #1 is that you must prioritize yourself because you have a young child to care for.  That means detaching from his struggles and seeing this in a different light. 

You take care of you.  He takes care of him.  Your mental health must come before his for multiple reasons.  The main one is that helping him literally comes down to you being in the best possible emotional state.

Just know that you are not alone any more.  We're here for you to vent to, ask questions, or anything in between.

Well, welcome, and sorry you're going through this.  We all went through our own journeys of understanding and resolution in a way, whether the person in our life was our spouse, partner, BF/GF or a family member.  Even some who aren't directly in contact with the pwBPD post here, such is the nature of the disorder that it upsets entire families, and even affects new step-moms and step-dads who's current partner has an ex that is BPD.

I think it's important to stay calm and realize that your feelings and understanding are going to take time to form here, and are going to be influenced by not only what you read and learn, but what you continue to experience.

One thing to prioritize as you decide your path is your daughter's needs, safety, and development.  Whatever you decide to do, you have to make that decision understanding your obligation there as a parent.  And you have to understand that you're the only "adult" in the home capable of making these decisions for her.  You're basically on your own, when your partner has BPD; they are incapable of putting their own children's needs in front of their feelings and emotions in the moment. 

Good luck and I've found it's helpful to post here, and read other threads too, in that others' experiences can often inform our own and lead to other insights that help you recover. 

How did your husband handle his own diagnosis?

Well it looks like your therapy training has given you some insight into your own situation.  The way I see things, your husband is getting worse because you have a young child, and as you wrote, your attention has been necessarily diverted towards the baby.  You see, pwBPD are triggered by feelings of abandonment and can get upset whenever 100% of your attention isn't on them, even if the reason is you're busy with his own baby!  I suspect there's a little regression going on too.  He sees the baby gets your attention when she fusses and cries, and he does the exact same thing.

On these boards I've seen references to pwBPD lacking "object constancy," the ability to maintain a stable, positive emotional connection with a person even when they are absent or when they feel angry/frustrated with them, understanding they are a whole person with both good and bad qualities.  For pwBPD,  object constancy seems to be a challenge, as their black-and-white thinking dominates.  So if you leave, or you're busy with something, or you're tending to your precious daughter, your husband assumes the worst.  He might think, you don't love him and don't pay enough attention to him anymore.  In short, you are not meeting his needs!  And by the way, it's all YOUR FAULT for making him feel this way.  I think that's what your husband means when he's hitting himself.  YOU are the one who unleashed these negative emotions inside him.  He has been displaced and upstaged by his own kid.  It's sad, but it sounds like inside he has the emotional maturity of about a toddler.  At the end of the day, he is extremely insecure, and he has unending emotional needs for your constant attention and reassurance.

In my opinion, if your husband is actually violent--bruising himself, threatening to use a knife--I think you need to call 911.  You used the word "violent," and that's why I'm writing this.  You have a young daughter to think about, it's a very small escalation to turn his aggressions onto her and you.  In my opinion, you need to have a firm boundary when it comes to violence, and call 911 straight away.  One would hope that one single call to 911 would teach your husband that violence isn't allowed in your home, and violence would be off the table.  If he doesn't learn, I think you have to seriously consider the safety of your daughter.

As for shouting and obscenities in the home, while it's certainly not ideal, it does happen, even in families without any mental illness.  In my opinion the rule for me would be, no shouting or obscenities in front of the children.  If he started a scene, I'd remind him of the rule, try to steer him outside or out of earshot, or possibly leave the scene with the child under my wing, maybe go for a walk, a drive, a trip to the library.  With some luck he'd have time to calm down during this "adult time out."