BPDFamily.com

Hi All. Sorry for another post so quickly. I know you all have problems of your own and I feel bad for even coming here again. I just want to swing something past you to check myself on something. Family therapy. Abbreviated back story is that I've been not only open to it for years, but have been the one pushing for it. The ongoing problem has been that my daughter refuses to adhere to basic rules of communication that keep the space safe for everyone and ensure that the general environment is conducive to healing and collective problem solving.... the purpose of family therapy. Going back years prior to her diagnosis, various therapists clearly established the "rules", and the importance of those rules were underscored in DBT sessions. Nonetheless, to date, my daughter won't even acknowledge that there should be rules of communication that apply to her, and she NEVER adheres to them in "therapy", so nothing can even begin to get resolved. It ends up being just another opportunity for her to come after me verbally.

Most recently we've been working with a so called family therapist online through a platform called Grow Therapy. After many sessions starting and continuing the same way....with my daughter using foul language, elevated tone and volume, and no sign of being there for any purpose other than to blame and dodge any personal accountability for anything, I started to not make these sessions a priority. The past couple sessions I didn't attend due to having other things scheduled, and my daughter took them alone. So late this afternoon I got a call from my daughter. I answered and she asked in a hostile tone if I was going to get on the therapy session, which I didn't even know was scheduled. She's technically the client. I calmly told her I would, and asked her to send me the link. So...... after I logged on, I just sat there. I didn't say a word, waiting for my daughter or the therapist to talk first. After a brief silence by all of us, the therapist said "okay, so I don't know how either one of you would like to start?" or something like that. Immediately my daughter started yelling, using foul language, and was demanding that I provide her with some answers pertaining to my reaction to her pregnancy. She wasn't even posing anything as a question. It was a "how dare you say this", "who do you think you are" kind of thing. So..... I sat there silently for a minute as the punching bag session started and then calmly interjected telling the therapist that I would be discontinuing the session. With that representation my daughter escallated to an immediate wail of a cry, saying "NO!!!!!", but I just ended the call the logged off. So far I haven't heard back from her, except to say via text that my not staying on the call only "proved" that I don't want to be "accountable". I haven't responded to that text.

So there's a couple things here from my perspective. First, this particular  "therapist" has never once intervened in toxic communications that are clearly the "norm" and can be nothing but counterproductive to any kind of relationship therapy , BPD aside. Not once has she attempted to take control in a session when it's clearly not "therapeutic" to anyone. She has never tried to lay down some "rules", although my daughter has been versed in them many times before, over many years by other therapists. It's like as long as my daughter keeps booking appointments and the therapist is getting her paycheck (which at this point comes from Medicaid), she's just going to keep showing up and doing/saying nothing but watching someone be out of control. I really have no respect for that. Secondly, I have shown my daughter over the course of many years that I want to address any issues she has with me, and given that this can never happen 1 on 1, I've kept trying the "family therapy" route with her. She has been informed by me many times over the past year or so especially that I would not participate unless she adheres to some rules that apply to both of us. This is not the first time I calmly discontinued a call.

I'm trying to hold to a healthy boundary for her good as well as my own. If abusive communications shouldn't be tolerated, why would that go out the window because she books a "therapy" session? Especially when the therapist doesn't have any competency with BPD and exhibits that she's not even trying to control of the session. Please let me know if any of you see this differently and if I'm off base with something. All circumstances considered, should I have stayed on the call or at least stayed on longer? Should I have said something more than I did? Any thoughts are appreciated.