BPDFamily.com

I have been a long time lurker on this board, and posted under another account I can't find. My husband is a recovering alcoholic (35+ years), depression, self diagnosed autism ( I believe this) and when he hears about BPD says that is him. He has periods of good times and bad times. Got frustrated trying to get diagnosed in system and that's it, so why try. Angry when frustrated. Example from this morning. We had some light snow last night, it is sunny today, so I cleaned up the driveway and sidewalk. We usually split this chore, but it was so little I did it so the sun would get to the blacktop. He is angry because he was looking forward to doing his part. I apologized. Now he is muttering to himself (just loud enough for me to hear) "I guess I just got up a half hour too late." "She didn't even ask me, why should I expect anything else." etc. Then I heard him say he woke up feeling stupid. This is his code for depressed. These are never directed at me, so not part of a conversation. Later he will accuse me of ignoring him and not talking to him.  I hang around doing stuff in case he might actually talk to me about it, but it is more likely to be a rant. How to handle this pattern?

Hi PathFinder1,

Did you say that his rants of anger are never directed at you? If he is not hostile/aggressive, then this should be kind of easier to handle. You would just have to validate his feelings and slowly make him feel comfortable expressing himself in a constructive way. But to improve his self-image and self-worth, he would need professional treatment, I guess.

When you ask "how to handle this pattern," are you trying to help him or to help yourself? I mean, it's unclear if you are getting affected by this or not.

Hi Super Daddy - Sometimes at me, then I realize that I'm the focal point for a bunch of other crap. He has had professional help but not in a long time. At this point, I'm only trying to help me, and how to respond/not respond in a way that doesn't fan the flames. Back to AlAnon? Somewhere on this board i read and saved this "their intense and annihilating anger comes from believing that others don't care about them, are not listening to them, or are not meeting their core needs."   I know this sounds odd.    But this is a mental disorder where we can't assume that what's ~normal~ (whatever normal is) and ordinary for us works for them.   We process life and life events vastly differently."

Well it’s good that your husband recognises the problems he faces and is doing something about it. There is a lot going on there and can imagine a lot to work through and it isn’t all going to happen at once. With all that going on I don’t doubt for a minute he will have moments when he becomes dysregulated.
Is he seeing a therapist about any of his issues?

As for help for you, there are a couple of things from your post that stick out. You said that he enjoys clearing the snow from the pavement and looks forward to doing so, so I would ask what made you decide to do it without his help? I think that would be more the autism side of things that upset him about not getting the opportunity to do something he was looking forward to.
You also mention hanging around doing stuff in case he might actually talk to you about it, but then accuses you of ignoring him. Have you tried calmly asking him if he wants to talk about it or does this just trigger him? As from your post it sounds like you are aware he is sitting there ruminating about it so might be easier to make the first move so he feels ‘seen’

Based on the theory of opioids, the main aspects seen in BPD are created by their brains to fulfill the goal of making them feel in an emergency situation so that endogenous opioids are released:

Borderline personality disorder: A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system?
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

The study talks about the more extreme behaviors, but I think that's because it's easier to quantify the extremes. I think the reality distortion, irrational thinking, and conflict-seeking behavior could also be a form of stimulating their EOS. Would it make sense to think your partner is doing that?

Thanks, SuperDaddy. I'll read this.

Hi PathFinder1;

You mention your H is in recovery from alcoholism -- how is that going? Is he getting any kind of support or therapy for that right now (AA, recovery group, sponsor, counselor)?

How long does his cycle/pattern of
 frustration --> muttering/monologue --> accusations of you ignoring him
last? A few hours, a day, a few days...? Does it seem to go differently if you do vs don't engage with the content of his expressions?