BPDFamily.com

Hi - my first post. I have a 34 yo daughter recently diagnosed with BPD after many years of counselling for various issues and culminating in several suicide threats as well as depression. Like many of the contributors here, we have dug her out of so many holes financially and emotionally and given so much time and support to her. I’m 73 now and frankly tired, depressed and dispirited by it all. I’ve reached the stage that I want to move well away in fact, especially since her latest desire is to have a baby with her boyfriend of 6 months (who lives a plane ride away and can’t move in with her). Frankly, I’m horrified by this and only see more anguish down the road with worry about any child she has. Anybody been in this situation?

Hi. I am sorry you are going through this.  Does your daughter live with you or is she on her own? Yes, many of us have been in similar spots.  If at all possible,  your focus has to be more on you and less on your daughter, Unfortunately.  It is good she is in therapy.  However, there is not a lot more you can do to control her impulses to want a child .  You came to the right place.  Reading up about bpd will help a lot and it explains the first principle of you have to help yourself first.  Take a look at the "library" here, it has a few good book suggestions.  Please write on more as you are able .  Have patience with yourself.

Hi Anon,

I have dealt with something similar.  My udd actually left my 2 gc's with me (unknown to me at the time)to go to another country to meet someone she met online posting enroute that she couldnt wait to be with "her first love"". Nevermind  to mention years before that that the first b/f father to the 2gc had been her "first love" and "Always and forever"
Thankfully it didnt work out but it didnt stop her from jumping online and trying again.

Currently we are estranged but It did begin to became harder to keep recovering from the endless drama the older I got, so this estrangement has been kind of a blessing in disguise.

From my experience your dd is probably in a state of desperation and whatever concerns you vocalise about this r/s wont be taken too well because she in "love" . Chances are this r/s wont last as is will be a Long Distance R/S and will probably fizzel out pretty soon so try not to get too upset by it. The best thing is to stay neutral by using a grey rock technique  where you express little emotion to the listener. She will soon move on once you are showing no interest. Another thing you can do practically if you are not in support of this r/s and are funding these plane trips, accommodation, food while away etc..... is to use that money for your own benefit. Spend it on yourself or something you enjoy and let your dd figure out her own to pay her own expenses.

I think you deserve a break and  having some  boundaries when it comes to your dd's emotionally dysregulation will help you in the long term so you can focus on your own mental health and wellbeing.

Hi Anon57 and welcome
I do remember quite vividly when my DD announced she was pregnant! Just a few questions – is DD living independently and if so how often do you see her/have contact with her? Also how often does bf come and stay with your DD?

I remember being very aware that I would not be around for ever. So I kept wondering if the best thing I could do for my DD was to support her and the child so that when I wasn’t around there was some sort of ‘family’. Then lots of other scenarios and possibilities went through my mind.

You mention your DD is recently diagnosed – I am wondering if she is taking any medication for depression? This is like a whole new chapter perhaps now that there is a diagnosis and hopefully something for the depression. When my DD did take antidepressants it made a huge difference in relation to raising the bar as to what would trigger her anger, but the signs of BPD were still clearly there.

I find that ways to avoid huge problems often come to my mind – when in fact I have little or no control over my DD’s decisions. The main thing that strikes me is you are so exhausted from the journey so far, so I think focusing on how you can get a ‘time out’ from it all is an absolute priority.

Is there any chance you can take a few days, a weekend or just overnight and go somewhere to sleep and recoup a little? If not, is there another way you can get a time out or two or three in your week?

In many ways this is a new chapter – whether or not DD does become pregnant. It is new because you need to look at this next period of time in a different way – as I do, just because we are getting older.

I hope there is some possibility of you creating some ‘space’ that is a DD-free zone – as the first step in this new chapter.