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After 22 years of roller coaster emotions,  I just discovered “stop walking on eggshells” by P Mason and R. Krueger.   So many things hit home and a relief to learn that I was not imagining these things.  Recently, Have been practicing the techniques applied and thought all was good,  but once again feel back to square one and feel like a failure once again.  Maybe if I knew about BDP a long time ago I would have better energy/alertness to handle. However, now I just feel so drained and exhausted.  After 3 weeks of strained communication/ coexistence she opened up tonight.
Was a stressful evening of her talking about the love is gone and she sees the future better with us apart and would have done so if it were not for the kids.  I’m a beginner on the techniques talked about, and kept calm but even that got tossed back at me that I don’t care, fake, emotionally numb, and always showing my “angel wings” ( term she has used when I explain how i feel).   I’m lost……

Hi Zoogman ,

I have read a lot of books on BPD, and I can tell you none of them has a solution. All they can help with is to not feed into the drama. Another way of looking at the problem is by understanding the EOS theory: https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

What this study tells you is that by doing extreme actions such as self-harm, the pwBPD can stimulate their own EOS without interacting with anyone else. However, by interacting with someone else, it's much easier to cause this stimulation of the EOS, especially if that's an intimate partner. And they are always unaware of why they are doing that.

When things get bad enough, the only solution for the intimate partner is to live apart. That's exactly what has solved the problem for me. My wife still does lots of drama through text messages but those don't bother me as much as the screams, throwing of objects, etc.

The only thing that can possibly be a solution is treatment with a specialist, preferably through DBT. But they will usually not want to do treatment to change their behaviors or thoughts, because for them, it is already working for them. They don't understand that their intimate partner feels drained and exhausted, because for them it goes the other way around, exiting the EOS (and other circuits as well).

However, in the event that the pwBPD "hits a wall," then they may finally try to heal. I mean something very tough, such as the threat of losing child custody along with a divorce. My wife hasn't started DBT yet, so I'm afraid that living apart hasn't been enough of a hit for her, but I'll be patient and giver her more time.

Thanks SuperDaddy,

I don’t know enough to speak to the neurobiology, but what you shared fits my experience of how engagement escalates things rather than resolves them.Things have calmed down, but still fragile. It just seems like now, i have to live without showing feelings (but knowing accusations of being cold, numb, insensitive will come up again and again)..... 

I have accepted the fact that i will never be able fix things.  I just try not to stir the pot or not have things repeat over and over.  When things from the past arise or are said, they hurt, but still learning on how to navigate around and not sit there and defend myself over and over.  She still brings things up from 20 years ago, and I am truthful when i tell her I'm not going to argue the past because i don't recall all the events/discussions at that time, I'm more concerned about our present state.  Usually this will fuel her up, but i am holding the lighter. 

The "joy" for her lately just seems to come from seeing everyone down or hurt.  The other day i came home in a good mood from work and because she saw me in a good mood, immediately the accusations come flying such as the reason i was in a good mood was because i found someone to mess around or having a fling with (she knows this hurts me and i have told her a number of times that these false accusations hurt).  Now I'm finding ways to be clever, such as "Thanks for asking, but my boss just told me about my annual salary increase and my bonus will be coming in first quarter."  You would think someone would apologize or show remorse, but i can probably count on my hand the number of times she has ever apologized to me.

Don't get me wrong, we have had good times and there are days that surprise me, but it has taught me to appreciate the good times that arise, and how to avoid the fuel with the lighter.  There just seems to be some small sparks that i have no control over.  I am committed but probably should be committed.       

Hi Zoogman ,

I see how difficult it's being for you. She unconsciously tries to initiate a conflict by stating some discussion that should elicit negative responses from you, and to nullify her attempt, you must respond positively instead. It's not just your words, it's your attitude and feelings expressed.

But it seems like you still love her, do you? Because focusing on this feeling is key. As I'm learning from Pook in other threads, showing that you love her in every interaction and that you are there for her will disarm her and avoid conflicts. And this makes sense to the neurobiology because feeling loved also stimulates the EOS, along with other pathways.

Maybe you are now feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, but it is possible to have multiple emotions at the same time for a person, and you can try to focus on the one that works for her. Then use that to guide your interactions. Recently I have done that, and I got excellent results, completely disarming my wife.

Zoogman,

After riding the same loop for 22 years, it's no wonder you feel worn down. Learning new techniques doesn't restore your energy on its own, especially when the tank is already near empty. 

There's something I want to say, softly. When you keep the peace by tucking away your feelings, it can start to seem like you're fading from the scene. That isn't the point of these tools. They're meant to help you stay steady and present, not to make you smaller or silent. 

You've said you're committed. Maybe the next step is asking what commitment looks like when you don't give up your own emotional health. What does it mean, in practice, to stay in while still staying with yourself? 

And it's okay that you can't spot every flare before it sparks. No one does. The work is to sort what's yours to hold from what isn't. That sorting can be slow, and sometimes messy. 

You haven't failed because there was another blow-up. Long-term change tends to lurch and loop. It almost never moves in a straight line.