BPDFamily.com

My wife (stay at home mom) and I have been together for 23 years, and married for 15 year.  We have 2 kids (13 and 11 years old).
My wife has exhibited BPD traits for most of our relationship.  She has had pharma drug abuse/addiction issues in the first half of our togetherness (vicodin and suboxone).  She is no longer taking pharms (rehab), but now drinks regularly in the garage by herself.  She doesn't really have any friends (her last BFF died from a drug overdose ) and not a good relationship with her family - they have trouble being with her because of her BPD issues).
I was unfaithful to my wife with a co-worker in mid 2015 into 2017 (about 1.5 years).  My wife suspected the affair, but I lied and never admitted it.  That continued until fall 2023, when she started to have serious BPD/paranoia blowups every few days.  Yelling, screaming, spitting in my face, sometimes physically pushing or hitting me, sometimes destroying items around the house.  This caused me to leave the house in Nov. 2023, we lived separately for 6 months, and she filed for divorce.  During the separation, I admitted my affair to her, and fortunately (for me) we reconciled in April 2024. 
During our separation, I went to a lot of counseling, and my therapist informed me that my wife likely has BPD based on the symptoms I described.   The symptoms are:  at least since late 2023, she thinks I am stalking her, tracking her phone, controlling her car, the television, listening in on her phone calls, changing settings on her phone.  Alot of off-the-wall paranoid thoughts.  She splits, then verbally and physically lashes out at me, accusing me of doing those things, so that I know where she is at all of the time, so I can continue my affair(s).  The blowups are unprovoked by me (she gets triggered by all sorts of odd things). 
My wife is undiagnosed.  She refuses to seek therapy or treatment of any kind.  She says I made her this way, and that I'm the one who needs treatment.
I would appreciate any help or guidance on how to finally get my wife into treatment (for her, for us, for our kids).  Especially since she doesn't trust me because of my past infidelity, and no relationship/reliance on her family or friends.

Hi PullMyHairOut?, and welcome to the family!

That's an interesting story. Thanks for sharing. I laughed at the part in which she says you made her this way and that you're the one who needs treatment. But I completely understand you. My wife also pointed back to me when I talked about her treatment, but now she does not do that anymore. What changed is that she hit a wall.

We are living apart, and she wants to come back, but I told her it won't happen unless she learns to control herself, and DBT is perfect for that. So now she is fully invested in getting better. Your wife does not need a diagnosis, even because DBT is helpful for anyone with problems controlling their emotions.

In 2024, when you both were reconciling, I think you had the perfect opportunity to bring up this suggestion. And after you had already reconciled but were not living together, you could have told her something on those lines: "I love you, and I don't want us to break up ever again. Therefore, I don't want to move back into our home until it is safe. I will wait for you to start some treatment targeting your aggressiveness and emotional control issues, and I'll wait to see significant improvement from that. But don't worry because I want to help you out in every step. I want us to do this together." Then, as she positively responds to that, you would show her a list of therapists that do DBT in your area. And if she requests you to do therapy as well, accept it.

By the way, according to the EOS theory, the reason why she talks so much about your affair is because this is a topic that puts her in an "emergency situation," and by acting out on it, she releases endogenous opioids. Once she is not trying to follow this maladaptive behavior anymore (to stimulate her EOS) and uses a different approach, the past will be "left behind."

Welcome. I'm glad you reached out. 

There's a lot on your plate-years of history, addiction, cheating, trying to piece things back together, and now fear and blowups at home. That's a lot for anyone to carry. 

Here's a hard thing to sit with: you can't force someone into treatment. When trust is already shaky, pushing harder can make her pull away, maybe even more. 

What you do have is the ability to set the terms for your own home. Safety-for you and for your kids-has to be a firm line. 

I'm wondering about the kids. When those physical moments happen, what do they see or hear? How do they react afterward? That part really matters.