BPDFamily.com

Had a blowout.  I “started” it by reacting with frustration.   Partner exploded back at me and we went back and forth with me trying to talk about the reason I was upset, SO trying to show me I was wrong.

Words were exchanged, with my SO getting in some highly personalized zingers they knew would hurt and some very specific things I doubt they realized would hurt as much as they did. 

It ended with me being told not to talk to them until I apologize. 

I know how this goes, because it’s the same pattern.  I apologize and no matter what the sincerity, that’s the cue for my SO to lay into me some more and rehash the argument we just had, omitting some details that make them look bad, making sure I cannot respond with anything to explain or defend, and not really ending it, but escalating it.   

And I made one shot at trying to explain how I felt. It was immediately shut down, so I stopped.   They ranted.  I only said I was sorry in response.  Didn’t react.  Didn’t raise my voice.  Didn’t show emotion. 

It was clear that a lack of reaction was something they couldn’t handle.   

The chaos seems to make them feel safer. 

I know I should not have reacted as I did in the moment, nor used that moment ti try and express my frustrations.   I knew it would go nowhere, but the safety switch that so often keeps me from reacting didn’t hold.   

It’s exhausting to try to love someone who does not want to understand you and registers almost anything as a full throated attack on their being. 

I don’t think I’ve ever had an instance where the first apology came from them.  The law of averages and everything I’ve read about marriage would seem to make it clear occasionally the other side will have SOME responsibility.   It’s exhausting when you’re in a marriage where you are the only one seen to be at fault, and the only one who cannot air their frustrations without getting a list of reasons why you’re wrong, or a list of the many ways you are worse.