BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I am married to a kind and gentle man who has characteristics of BPD. He actually recognized the traits in himself after reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but now is kind of walking that self-awareness back.  We are in couples therapy with a therapist who recognizes his BPD features and it is not going well.  I am exhausted.  The cycle is never-ending and just when I think we have turned a corner, he regresses.  The accusation and blaming behaviors are so hurtful and I find myself dancing a jig to avoid a melt-down, which is also quite exhausting.

He is in individual counseling but his green (intern) therapist assures him that he is not BPD, though she has not seen the side of him that comes out in couples counseling.  It is Valentine's Day and we had a huge fight this morning--he is adamant that he is not returning to couples' counseling--got too close last night.  I feel a level of exhaustion that I realize is far more than not enough sleep.  It is simply exhausting to live with the uncertainty of what may or may not set him off.  And the blame-shifting is incredibly hurtful.

Just wanted to vent a bit.

Your self-care is so incredibly important at this point. Would you consider seeking individual therapy for yourself? A therapist may be able to offer you some tools to manage your exhaustion and reactions to his behaviors that have brought you to where you are. I was fortunate(?) that my partner had a diagnosis prior to us meeting.

I emphasize with your exhaustion riding the BPD rollercoaster. Even with a partner that is self-aware, emotional dysregulation is still commonplace and if you aren't careful, you'll go right along for the ride. Self-awareness from a partner with BPD doesn't mean that things are going to necessarily change.

There are a number of articles on the site here to read, and if you're looking for a good read, check out "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder". It has loads of information on the disorder itself and I found it a great help in learning to control my own emotional reactions to my partner's intense emotions (which to some degree keeps his emotions controlled) and to teach myself to validate his emotions without sounding patronizing.

It is very possible that you are caught with fixing him and resolving the "issue of the day". Hence you over engage.

What was your huge fight about? Perhaps we can give some suggestions on not allowing yourself to get caught up in the reaction>counter reaction escalations these usually devolve into.