BPDFamily.com

When I first got here, detaching sounded very clean and absolute, almost binary. In my experience, it often feels more complicated than that, especially when emotions, history, and real-life constraints are involved.

I’m curious how others are experiencing detaching right now.
   •   How does it show up for you at this point?
   •   Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?
   •   What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far?

Hardest part for me is realizing I love her, but hate her behaviour. We are getting seperated right now, but still I feel sorry for her. Was she my extra child I took care of?

For me, I met my BPD ex in college and was married to her up until age 49.  So I don't know what "detaching" is supposed to look like with someone you've spent +50% of your life with.

Do I hate what she did?  Yes. 

Do I hate her?  No. 

Am I over the relationship?  100%. 

Do I know what to do with decades of mainly good memories raising the kids, family vacations, Christmas, etc?  Nope...I am clueless how to "let that go" or if I even should.

Over 50% of my identity was driven by living life and maturing with my ex.  I can't just erase that or pretend like it didn't happen.  And I realize it's so much easier to just hate someone, to see the absolute worst and say good riddance, but that's not who I am as a person.

How does it show up- usually late at night when I'm still and trying to clear my mind to sleep.  I'll reminisce a bit and then catch myself, and have to push those thoughts away.  Mainly, it's wondering how she could do what she did and how she can live with it now.

Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?- Its random and it's not every day or even every week.  It just sort of shows up from time to time and I'll struggle for an hour or two.

What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far? - I still grieve the loss of my family of four being torn apart, all the lies that came afterwards, all the manipulation of in-laws and others to cover up the fact my ex was having an affair.  These are religious people and my ex was more afraid of what they'd think of her than what it said for her personal faith.  I mean, you can't lie to God, so what's there to gain by deceiving everyone you know?  That sort of eats at me.

To be honest exactly the same as Pook.

My ex was my best friends sisters best friend, so I’ve known her most of my life. I was with her from the age of 21 until I was 48. My kids are similar in age to Pooks as well, 22 and 26 but both boys. Everything Pook says I can relate in exactly the same way apart from the religious part as I, my ex and family are not religious.

It was a little difficult earlier. My eldest came round to look in the loft for useful things for the birth of his child in a few months.
He brought down several boxes of photographs and we sat looking through them. My ex was 19 and I was 23 when we had him and there were many photos of us together as a family when he was a baby, which made me both happy and sad looking through them.

I'm only a week into my decision to end my relationship, but maybe a week is a good time to reflect on, even just for myself!
How does it show up for you at this point? I agonized over the decision to leave for months and cried for most of that time too, which is maybe why I'm mostly left with relief now. In the last week I've felt lonely and sometimes panicked, but I've also felt really free and resolute.
Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else? Stops and starts, but then it's only been a week! Letting my emotions rise and fall and trusting they will pass has been helpful.
What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far? The doubt that got to me while taking months to make my choice is the thing that's getting to me now - was it foolish to throw away a relationship with someone who really loved me? I'm worried that I'll miss the connection we had even more as the relief of walking away dries up - how could it ever be okay that I needed to let her go? Of course, I still think of her as incredible person, someone who I shared very significant parts of my life with. And yeah, I feel very guilty because I bet this break up feels like a catastrophe for her (it does for me too, but not in the same way).

For me, detaching means focusing on the actions rather than the words, and allowing my emotions to gradually reconfigure until they reflect this. It also means shifting the focus away from ex-partner and their behaviour, and onto things that are in my control.

   •   How does it show up for you at this point?
A better, calmer nervous system.

   •   Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?
It feels one step forward one step back, but with a definite forward trajectory. 

 •   What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far?
The realisation that because X is so detached from reality, they may not actually be aware or may only be intermittently aware of how they have behaved. There are these vile, hurtful actions where in a way, no-one is a witness to them and no-one is responsible, because X may genuinely not know what they are doing. So healing and maintaining a link to the real is entirely my job.