BPDFamily.com

Hi out there,
I'm writing in this forum more than I ever have before (which isn't much), but it's been helpful for me to get reflection and just to vent. Thank you all :)

I've been taking space from my wife for a month (it's been about two weeks so far). I feel better being on my own, and it's clear to me that I can't return to the relationship how it was. I think now that I'm just freaked out by the amount of difficulty and change I'll need to face if I exit the relationship. How can I do this, when I feel isolated, emotionally exhausted, and depressed? How do I get the energy to find a new place to live, find a job, reach out to friends, etc?

I think I'm also second-guessing myself, which seems normal in this circumstance. I feel sure about leaving when I evaluate the relationship for how it feels to me right now - distant, emotionally unsafe, and very broken. But of course when I think of how much pain she's in as well, and all the ways she has been a loving partner, I feel incredibly sad and distraught. I worry that I'm chucking a longterm relationship because of short-term difficulty, even though as I type that, I don't really think that's true.

I've been through difficult things in life, but this is taking the cake. How can I muster the strength to make the needed choice?

Hi DesertDreamer,

I understand how hard and overwhelming it is to take a life-altering decision while being emotionally depleted and isolated. But you don't need all of the strength and certainty at once. Instead, you only need enough to take the next step (small, but concrete).

As you get more clarity, that will help you take action, and as you start moving, you'll feel stronger. And up to now it seems like you are already headed in the right direction.

If you hoped that the relationship could be better and you didn't let go of this, then it is natural to grieve about it. That may be reinforced by the compassion you have for her pain. However, the hope runs against your new feelings of being honest with yourself about what that was costing you. As part of a competition between those thoughts, your mind will try to convince you that your long-term pattern of feeling distant, emotionally unsafe, or broken was just a “short-term difficulty,” despite that you’ve been enduring it for so long. But as you observe what your mind is doing with you, you take control of it. Remember that grief for what it was and relief about leaving can exist at the same time, and neither cancels the other out.

A few questions come to my mind. Did this relationship make your depression worse, or was this depression already haunting you before you met her?

In regard to moving into her country, did things run out as you thought they would? Or did things go in a different direction? Was it she who encouraged you to move into her place, or was it you who had this initiative? Do you feel like this is an opportunity or that you fell into a trap?

Also, do you have the citizenship already? I believe this would make things much easier (or harder if you don't).