BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone. I’m looking for perspective.
My partner and I had a conflict this morning during intimacy. He felt I wasn’t engaged and ended it abruptly. When I tried to talk about it, he escalated — called me names (including “b!tch” and “p!ss ant”), told me to “shut up,” and said if I wanted to end the relationship I should “grow some balls and say it.”
When I later asked if he really believes those things about me, he said he uses those words to “get my attention” and “shut me up so he can talk.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve been called names over the years, and there’s rarely repair afterward. Today he’s mostly emotionally shut down.
I’m not trying to diagnose him, but I’m struggling to understand what this pattern is and whether it aligns with BPD traits or something else. I’m feeling confused and would appreciate perspective. For those of you who’ve dealt with BPD traits in a partner, does this kind of escalation and shutdown resonate? How do you stay grounded and not absorb it?

Hello and welcome to the family.  What you describe has to be really tough in the moment and many of us here have had similar experiences with BPD friends, family, or partners.  That doesn't mean this is BPD you're dealing with, but you can receive support here regardless.

For someone with BPD, they can be highly emotional and read into a situation a lot deeper than we would if they fear rejection or abandonment in the moment. 

Maybe that's all that happened in the moment, maybe not.  But the bigger pattern of becoming offensive afterwards and suggesting a breakup makes this feel very familiar to me and what myself and others have experienced on this site. 

This is not your fault because you had the best of intentions when things went sideways.  And if you are looking to remain in the relationship, there are ample tools here to help you communicate in a different style to limit these types of experiences.  I don't want to get ahead of ourselves though so I'll pause there.

How long have you been together with your partner?  Were the dynamics always like this, or has there been a change more recently?  Talk it out a little more for us.

We’ve been together 10 years. There have always been moments of name-calling during conflict, but I feel like it’s become more specific and more cutting recently. He blamed for sabotaging his weekends, creating calamity for drama, not listening. He says I never listen.

He can be very loving and present at times, but when he feels criticized or rejected, he escalates and then shuts down. There’s rarely repair afterward, which is what feels hardest for me. I wouldn't say he "love bombs"...maybe when we first met. He was at a really low point in his life and I "saved" him...but now it feels nothing I do is right.

All of what you have said up to now seems compatible with BPD.

Asking them why they behaved in this or that way is a bit futile. They may point to triggers, but they don't actually understand why they behave abnormally. All they know is to blame you for their behavior, often trying to reignite the conflict.

According to the OES theory, this is well explained because of the unconscious and uncontrollable attempts to stimulate endorphins out of the self-defeating conflict.

Staying grounded and not absorbing will be impossible while you are around them and very difficult even when you are far from them. But if you can keep yourself apart, it may be feasible, but only if you are emotionally self-sufficient and mentally healthy. If anything makes you weak and you need proximity, while seeking their emotional support, you might just get trouble instead.

But 10 years is a lot to survive. Do you have kids? Do you or he do any kind of psychological treatment?

Thank you for sharing your perspective. There are no kids together. We are not married. I’m in individual therapy, but he is not currently in treatment and refuses any. (There is nothing wrong with him).

What’s hardest for me isn’t just the escalation — it’s the lack of repair and the shutdown afterward. It is exhausting. I love him and I am tired. He recently went to visit his mom and while there he barely called me for two weeks. He's been back...not even a week...and here we sit hours later and is still avoiding me from this morning's event.

Hi 13Bfmv13 ,

Since you are presenting lots of complaints against him here in the board, it's likely that you display those frustrations for him as well. Maybe not with your words, but certainly with your facial expressions. Maybe with your eyebrows? Anyway, he will capture your feelings, and the interaction will be invalidating, regardless. So this is probably why he retreated so much. I'm not blaming you. It's just how the disorder works.

This is the same reason why he refuses to accept treatment and defensively states that there is nothing wrong with him. In his eyes, you are making him feel worse because, in his perception, you are constantly judging and criticizing him. If you aren't lovable and radically accepting of him for a split second, then he will assume you were judging him instead. And if you want to regain his "trust," then it may take a lot of repair effort on your part.

The way you think about his emotional disorder and how you approach the topic is critical for how he reacts to it. If he feels accused, he will deny it and say the opposite. However, if he feels like you are worried about him and are compassionately trying to help, then he will feel accepted.

For instance, with my current wife, it was obvious that she had BPD, but I didn't want that to be true, so I denied it for myself. When I finally accepted it and communicated it to her, I was really sad about it and told her I didn't want that to be true, but that we should accept it. Soon I started sharing some material with her about it, and she became curious, so she asked her therapist to be diagnosed, and it was confirmed.

With my ex-wife, however, I didn't like her so much, and I was inexperienced, so I made her feel judged. Therefore, she never accepted the label, even though she has about all 9 symptoms and DBT was the only therapy that she liked.