BPDFamily.com

Hello dear community,
This is my first message.

I have a romantic relationship with my now Ex-Girlfriend, for over 3 years.

I got advised by my therapist to read Stop Walking on Eggshells, found this community, went through a lot of threads before writing this message.

My ex, has no diagnosis, I of course knew something was not right, but still not sure if it's BPD or something else.

After reading the book, of course a lot of the information rang the bell, but there are some that haven't, that's why I'm concerned if it's BPD or not.

She is great communicating her needs.

At the beginnning she was in a relationship when we met, and it took some time to get to date her.
We met at a party in the summer of 2022, and slowly started talking, but she was living with her ex that time.

It took 4-5 months till we got together, and she left her ex.
I think it was 4 months later that we moved together.

She didn't trash any of her exes, was quite believable what she said about them, but she cheated on her ex with me, and when she left him, never admitted that it was because of another man.

She left her previous ex by cheating on him too with this one before me.

Her relationships were not short lived. The previous was 5 years, and before that was about 1,5.
She has a steady job, for over 6 years now.

Jealousy came quick. She asked me to remove all the girls I follow on socials, I did of course, as I thought she will be ok after. Obviously always something new came. Slowly.

She expected me to provide, which i did mostly, but of course I couldn't totally take over all her bills. I did provide a beautiful flat, food, dates, 2-3 vacations a year.

My job comes with a lots of travelling, therefore the abandonment fears came quick too.
She coped for years tho. She wanted kids, and get married. I promised her it's going to happen.

Lovebombing, admiration towards me, I felt like in heaven.

She is raised well, coming from a conservative family, but suffered a lot of trauma.
As she was young, her family left her in another country when her little sister was born with her grandparents, so I thought the abandonment fears are because of this traumatic experience.

The jealousy, the untrust never stopped, she was blaming me for not making her feel "safe" enough, altough I did everything I could to make her happy.

I had a close female friend, who we long time ago had a romantic night with, altough never followed through and we became very close friends. She hated it, and tried to seperate me from her.

I sometimes love being alone to recharge, therefore I have my own office room in the flat, and every time I went away to my room, she became extremely hostile towards me, stating I don't love her, etc etc. Lots of fights because of this.

Always clingy, expected me to spend all my free time with her, If I tried to go out with a friend for chat, sometimes became arguments, and of course at the end I gave in, stay at home with her.

Always constantly "being sick", back pain, excuses why now she can't do something like cleaning, housework, etc. Needless to say, I love doing housework, and always was there to help, cooking as well, etc.

Despite she said she was traditional, expected me to provide, she also expected me to help everything at home.

She took accountability sometimes tho.

I know she never cheated on me, she was very transparent, also always texted in front of me, openly, never hid her phone, etc..(She always took her phone to the toilet and the bathroom tho.)

But she wanted to know my Unlock Code, so she could sneak into my phone when I went to have a shower/etc...
She also wanted to see my location.

She stated she doesn't trust my, altough I have never gave her reason not to.

Most of her friendships ended in weird way, just in the 3 years 4 very close friendships of her with other females have ending in ways, that they were the problem, the jealous, the fake...etc.

She always had some kind of bad words about them.

I also got to know that in her workplace, most people didn't like her, and her explanation was "they are jealous, etc etc.." Yes, she is a really beautiful woman.

After year 1,5 it started to turn worse.
I was blamed for everything, i did 100 things right, the 101st was not in a way as she expected and I was the problem.

Late night fights especially a day before I needed to fly away for work, were constant.
"Where is my ring? Where is my princess treatment? Buy me this, buy me that", despite the fact I already spent a huge amount of money on her. Illogical spendings on herself, and expectations from me.

Yes she liked to drink wine in the evenings. Only wine, no drugs, but was vaping hard all the time.

Sex was crazy. Never ever experienced anything like that.

Broke up last year, but she didn't move out, found her reaching out to her ex, looked into her phone while we were broken up but still sleeping in the bed with me, to see her dating profile.

We got back together in weeks, so she stayed, but the constant blaming, that I am not doing enough continued.

2 times she phisically assaulted me also. Just slaps, but still.

She has never ever threatened with suicide, tho, not even self-harm.

So why I think it could be BPD:
- Extreme fear of abandonment
- Irrational jealousy
- Irrational spending of her and my money
- Alcohol abuse
- Vaping abuse
- Constant back pain
- Blaming
- Picking fights
- No accountability
- Black and white views
- Delusional memories of previous fights and events

Why I think it might not be BPD:
- No trashing previous relationships
- No self harm / threatening with suicide

She broke up with me a few months ago, then I helped her move out (first time in her life she lived alone and paid for her own apartment. She blocked me everywhere.

She reached out to her ex, got some nice presents from him, meeting a lot.
A few months after we started talking again, I reached out.
She got back together with me, told me that they didnt become romantic, she needed someone familiar to rely on. She even shown me messages with him.

So we got back together again before Christmas, but she stayed in her own apartment, said she wanted to see if I changed. Yes, I believed everything she said was true, that I was the monster, so I promised her the stars, and to change.

I did 200% for the month, I already had a holiday for myself booked, and told her I wanted her to come. First she said ok, but we were due to couples therapy. She said to me that the only reason I now push the therapy so I can prove that she was the bad one, and she doesn't trust me wanting to be together, that I just want to revenge for her leaving me.

At the first session (1 week before the trip), she admitted she is afraid to travel with me because we will have a lots of fights, etc..

So she expected the therapist to make a decision, and she also said if I go alone she will break up with me. The therapist said to her that she has the right to decide to say she doesn't come, but manipulating should not be used in the relationship.

She was mad, as the therapist "was against her."

After long fights, she called me and said, OK, I will come to the trip, but 1 week less than you, because she couldnt get a 3 week holiday from work.

Then I bought her the tickets, and an hour later she called me in panic, crying that it might be a mistake.
She came over, shaking, in total panic, I never saw her like that before.
She said she is afraid to fly back home alone (long haul flight), despite she many time traveled alone longer flights before.

She said I should cancel her ticket, and I did, she said I can go on my trip, everything is gonna be okey and she will wait for me.

A day later she took it all back, stated that if I go, she will break up with me.

It was an important trip for me, mental and phisycal retreat, so I said, listen, I was preparing for this for the last whole 3 months, I really need to to this. (It's a muay thai camp in Thailand, tho).

A day before I went she came over, I gave her lunch which she didn't finish, was very hostile, 30 minutes later I asked if this is why she came or what, she started fighting, blaming, and then just left.

Next day I called her from the airport, and she broke up through phone finally.


I couldnt handle it, I was devastated.
She admitted she didn't do anything in this last month for me, because she observed if I changed anything.

I quit my job in that last month for her, to stay home with her, and find a job in my city.
I took her car to the service, did everyhing I could really, I was a superman for her, yet every day I was listening how I don't make her feel safe.
Despite all this, she easily thrown me away.

I went out, i started the training, etc, of course I shared stories with my friends on Instagram.
There was a day when i wrote her about her current state, and the reply was "How was the night, did you get laid?"

She tho told me she started therapy on her own.

One day suddenly she blocked me from most socials, but left some (Whatsapp/Telegram) open.

Today is day 38 of no contact.

It was not sudden breakup tho, she told me before she is not sure of being together, but mentioned always, that I am the love of her life, and she never every loved anyone like this before.

Just to add, she added that there was a time, when we were broken up she thought about suicide. But that was it, never before, never after she mentioned about this. Anxiety was NON-stop through the relationship. She didn't have much hobbies, but the last year started to read psychology books, and right a week after the breakup she told me she started going to dance classes.

Sometimes the smallest critisising became personal to her.

I know there were times when she said bad things about her sister, by her ex-friend, but to me she was always empathetic towards her. Sometimes tho mentioned how she is much more beautiful then her sister.

She never really got triggered from my facial expressions, or the most little things, but mostly of my reactions to her pokes. She never really humuliated me in front of others, and was very curious and loving towards my family members.

Her father is an alcoholic, beating her mom, and her mom used her as a mental trashcan, even saying how she never loved her father.

Manipulation, gaslighting, double-standards were her special most used weapons.

She stated many times, she is a high-value woman, and what are her epectations, but when I asked what is it that she gives, she just downplayed it and couldn't really give a proper answer.

She always stated I am an avoidant, yet when I opened up how she hurt me, she laughed, said I piss her off. That particular event, I think she regretted tho, becuase the next day she called me about it and apologised.

I bought her a ring a year ago, she knew it, now after the we again got together again, she said she doesn't like that ring's color and we had a lots of fights about it, so I should get another one. In 2 weeks I sold it, and was ready to buy another, but she said let's not rush this. She knew I wanted to ask her to marry me in that upcoming trip.

While having sex, every time she asked me to finish in her, yet as soon as it happened she blamed me for taking her seriously. After the last one, she even went to take the SOS Pill next day. Might it be she just faked the future family of ours? She always mentioned I should do this and that for the future of our children...


Do you think it's BPD?

Your story is so similar to many others recounted here.  The chaos, the increasingly frequent ups, downs and reversals.  Also, the strong initial connection and idealization at the start of the relationship as well as the increasing discord, "untrust" and overall is also a telltale indicator of her mental health issues being a major indicator.  BPD is often identified by extreme Projection, Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  That your counselor recommended you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - a book describing BPD - speaks loudly about what was evident to the trained professional.

Don't worry about a diagnosis, most of us here never learned of a diagnosis from a therapist.  (Likely the reason your counselor never named or diagnosed a specific personality disorder is because a diagnosis can't be made from secondhand sources.  Your ex refused to attend sessions and therefore no diagnosis.)  Rather than waiting for an official diagnosis which you're unlikely to get, look at the effects and impact on your life, the evidence, so to speak.

As the sayings go, history may not exactly repeat but it certainly rhymes.  You see how the behavior pattern has rhymed in your life just as it has for so many here.

We all have issues, a variety of imperfections and quirks.  Generally that's manageable.  Her issues are clearly impacting her life to the extent that her relationships are so dysfunctional that she, whether consciously or unconsciously, sabotages them.

So, what to do going forward?  The relationship has ended.  Probably best to "lick your wounds", recover and move on.  You know that if you restart the relationship, the dysfunctional roller coaster life would just restart.  You can't fix her... she has to decide for herself to seek help - and stick with therapy for years - so she can work on her issues.  And that may never happen.  Sadly.

Hi ShadowWarren, and welcome to the BPD family!

I carefully analyzed your story. Yes, it does seem like high-functioning BPD, as well as CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). Therefore, I highly recommend you not get her pregnant. I have 6 kids, 2 with each disordered mother, so I know what I'm talking about. First you must get her into treatment and then wait for a long time until she recovers.

Now let me make some constructive criticism on your journey. People with BPD have distorted views, and it seems like you have believed them and supported her views by agreeing that you were "a monster" and just doing so much of what she demanded. That also puts you as a "Mr. Nice Guy," which reinforces her devaluation of you. I do a lot for my current wife, and I tell her that I move mountains for her, but I never try to fulfill her unrealistic expectations, and I never do something she is demanding in a hostile way. Usually, I just do what I think is important for her, and I do it on my time and on my terms. I don't get too much out of my way unless I see it is a real emergency. For instance, I would never be the financial provider and the housekeeper at the same time if she isn't putting up nearly as much effort, unless she is really in a very bad mental state of incapability, such as having panic attacks all day long in the bathroom. Also, I would never leave a job because of her insecurities, because this leaves a precedent of more and more inappropriate demands. Unless I had another better job opportunity already.

The good part is that you made your trip, so you took care of yourself and your values. Keep putting your own sanity in first place.